Boys, Girls, Peninsulas and Aliens

Posted: December 10, 2009 in kids, parenting

Alternate title for this post was just:

Boys and Girls.

That title also doubles as the table of contents in Jeffrey Dahmer’s recipe book.


Wasted no time there in losing 34 mommy bloggers.


Where was I?


Boys and Girls.

I have one of each.

In my basement.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

No, I have a 9 year old daughter (Payton), and a 6 year old son (Cam).

My wife gave them each a giant pad of paper the other day.

They made books.

And now…a window into the minds of Boys vs. Girls:


(click to enlarge any image)

First, my daughter’s book:


A book on different types of land formations.

It appears well thought out and educational.

Nicely done.

Let’s see what my son has come up with for HIS book:


Me: “Cam…what is this?”

Cam: “It’s my ‘Book of Destruction.’

Book. Of. Destruction.


(FBI, take notice)

Let’s look at some pages in the books.


My daughter’s table of contents:


Very professional.

Well thought out…categories outlined well…

Okay, Payton…

…let’s see what your brother did…


Cam decides to eschew the traditional ‘Table of Contents’ and goes IMMEDIATELY into three pages of death and destruction.

On a related note:

I really need to start limiting his time with XBox.

How’s my daughter’s book looking?

Let’s turn the page here…

Apparently, my daughter is looking at some sort of publishing deal.

Even I’d forget to add this shit.


Now I’m going to flip the page on Cam’s book and…

Me: “Um..Cam?”

Cam: “Yeah?”

Me: “The fuck?”

In my head, I can hear Bill Curtis all, like:

“He was a normal child…until he began to express himself with violent drawings…walking spider trees..exploding snowmen. It was at THIS point, that fate took a tragic turn with Cameron.”

I wonder if I’ll get to meet him when they film the episode for A&E.

I fucking LOVE Bill Curtis.

Back to Payton’s book…let’s flip another page:


A dedication. So sweet.

Let’s see if Cam has done a dedi..


Cam hasn’t done a dedication.

Maybe Payton has more pages to look…

Jesus H. Christ.

Me: “Payton? Payton have you done any more of your book?”

Payton: “Not Yet.”


Cam: “I HAVE! Look at my last chapter!”

Me: “I’m scared of you, Cam.”


That’s just fucking great.

Not even holidays are safe from Cam’s death grip.

The fuck?

What is wrong with this kid? It’s like..


My house is being ripped into the sky by a tornado on or around Christmas, as seen by the decorative light display in our bushes.

* sigh

This couldn’t have happened BEFORE I put the fucking lights up?!

I hate doing that shit.

Would have saved me some time.

Time I could spend researching shit like, ‘What the fuck is wrong with my son?’

I’m guessing the answer would be:

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with him.

He’s a boy.

It’s what we do.

Just, you know, maybe not so graphically.

Moog out.

UPDATE!! (7:50 a.m.)

I just dropped my kids off at the school’s ‘Before School’ program.

There, the teacher handed me some ‘Holiday Artwork’ that the kids did as a craft last week.

The timing of this could not be any better.

If you think this boy vs. girl thing was a one-time deal, guess again.

Let’s see what my daughter did:


And now…

My son’s artwork:



I say we just proactively submit this as ‘evidence’ and call it a day.

  1. Oh my God . . . please . . . make it stop . . . my stomach hurts . . . I've been laughing so hard! Thanks for this! 🙂

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