Today I unveil a new segment based on LiLu’s popular and always funny:
‘Shiz my Boyfriend Says’theme.
Since I don’t have a boyfriend…
(As such, my sphincter is nearly flawless! Yay for heterosexual me!)
…I’m doing this about my own quotes.
I love myself.
You can, too, for $85 an hour.
I accept PayPal.
Where was I?
Oh..yes…shit I say.
“Moogisms,” if you will.
Today’s Moogism Episode:
Sex with Pastry and Blind Education
My 6 year old son was getting ready for karate the other night.
As we were leaving, I noticed he had a new water ‘sport bottle.’
On it was a logo for ‘Spindel Eye Associates.’
Because, you know, nothing screams ‘I’M SPORTY!’ like the optometry profession.
Me: “Cam…where did you get that water bottle?”
Cam: “We had to take an eye test at school today.”
Me: “No kidding. How did you do?”
Cam: “I passed. I didn’t miss a single letter!”
Me: “Phew. That’s good. Because you know, if you fail an eye test, they won’t let you into college.”
Me: “No. Not Really.”
Sex with Pastry
My wife is an excellent baker.
She still remains the only woman I know who can burn water, but she can bake the shit out of cookies and cakes.
So the other day, I walked into work with a big plate of iced pumpkin cookies she made.
My friend, Kristin, who I share a cube with, tried one.
Kristin: “Oh my God..these are good.”
Me: “I know. Her baking season has started and she’s off to a good start.”
Kristin: “What else is she making?”
Me: “Next up is ‘pumpkin roll.’
I. Heart. Pumpkin roll.
Kristin: “Pumpkin roll? Is it good?”
Me: “IS IT GOOD? Holy shit, if I didn’t think it was illegal, I would totally fuck pumpkin roll.”
Yes..I told her I would fuck a large gourd-derived pastry.
It’s that good.
Unfortunately, I told my wife about this conversation the other night.
I don’t think she’s letting me anywhere near her pumpkin roll this year.
Probably a good idea.