Watching "Paranormal Activity" with Randy Jackson

Posted: October 29, 2009 in movies, rants, wtf

Just some random thoughts as I sat through ‘Paranormal Activity’ last Friday night:

1) I liked this movie better the first time I saw it when it was called “The Blair Witch Project”

2) This chick in the movie kind of looks like my sister in law but heavier.

This doesn’t mean much to you readers but if you knew my sister-in-law you’d all be like, ‘whoa.’

True story.

3) The huge black guy in front of me just told the guy in front of him to stop jerking around in his seat.

He’s used the word ‘dawg’ in this two second conversation at least four fucking times.

I had no idea anyone actually used that word in actual sentences outside of ‘American Idol.’

4) I can’t believe that Randy Jackson is apparently sitting right in front of me!

I’m gonna sing something…maybe some Whitney Houston.

Contestants always seem to do well when they sing that shit.

5) I SWEAR TO GOD if I ever, EVER wake up and my wife is standing over me like this broad is, I will dropkick her right in the throat.

Honey, love ya, but remember:

Creepily standing over me = goddamn crushed esophogus

6) Never sit near the back row of a theater.

Ever.

There is a group of four teens sitting behind me who haven’t shut the fuck up for two minutes.

They’re trying to whisper…but all I can her is their ‘s’ sounds.

From what I can tell..they’ve been talking for an hour and a half about ‘silly salty seashells sitting by the seashore so someone said Susan should suck short silicone saucers.’

7) If this movie theater weren’t so packed, I’d be responsible right now for the murder of four people who all apparently have lisps.

8) You know..the movie is almost over and it kind of sucks.

I really thought it would be a lot scarier than OH MY FUCKING SHIT JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK I THINK I JUST SHIT MYSELF.

9) It’s times like these I wish movie theater restrooms had wet wipes.

If only to clean the blood off my hands from those four fuckshits in the back row.

Moog out.

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