Engaging Magic

Posted: October 27, 2009 in marriage, wife

I’m no David Copperfield.

What gives this fact away is that I’m short, I don’t have a flowing mane of hair, and haven’t banged Claudia Schiffer.

YET.

You’re on my bucket list, woman.

On my bucket list.


Why this comparison to David Copperfield?

Because October 28th is my 14th (I think) wedding anniversary.

Duh.

Now, some of you have already learned how the wife and I met in fantastic high-definition video complete with Barbie and Bratz doll action!.

That’s right.  It’s a movie with Barbie dolls in it.

Go ahead..click it.  I’ll wait.

WELCOME BACK!!  Are you really disturbed now?

Good.

Because today you get the story on how we got engaged.

Thrilled?

No?

Tough shit.


The night that I proposed to my wife, I had the whole thing planned out.

We were to have dinner at one of our favorite local restaurants.

And then…when the time was right…

I would show her a magic trick.

* cricket

Shut up.

It sounded like a good idea at the time.


Why a magic trick to propose?

Let me explain:

The magic trick entailed me, sitting across from the table, showing my wife a folded cloth napkin.

Inside the napkin sat, in all it’s glory…

The diamond ring.

HOW THIS PLAYED OUT IN MY HEAD:

Me: “Want to see a magic trick?”

Wife: “OH, DO I?!?!?”

Me: “You sound overly excited. Yay me.”

As I show her the empty napkin, I say:

Me: “Do you see this empty napkin?”

Wife: “I DO! I’m so giddy with excitement!”

I then fold the napkin…

…deftly placing the diamond ring inside.

Me: “When you open the napkin, you will now see that I have changed it into a vegetable!

Wife opens the napkin.

She’s speechless.

Me: “TA-DA! It’s a carat!”

Get it?

Carat?

Vegetable?

Like a carrot but instead it’s CARAT?

BRILLIANT!!


So, yeah…

That’s how I ENVISIONED it.

HOW THIS PLAN ACTUALLY PLAYED OUT:

Me: “Want to see a magic trick?”

Wife: “No.”

Me: “Come on…it’s a good one.”

Wife: “No, I don’t want to see a magic trick.”

* sigh

Un. Fucking. Believable.

Does the light bulb go off in my head at this point telling me this is some sort of sign?

No.

Light bulb stays off.

Stupid light bulb.


I persist:

Me: “I’m showing you anyway. I will now turn this empty napkin into a vegetable!”

* cricket

Seriously?

It’s a fucking magic trick.

WHO DOESN’T LIKE MAGIC?!?

Sonofabitch.

So I take the ring…slide it inside the napkin very quickly and secretively…

…then I put the napkin on the table in front of her.

Me: “Ahem. Here…open the napkin and you will see that I’ve turned it into a vegetable!”

My wife looks at the napkin.

Wife: “No.”

Me: “Open it.”

Wife: “I’m not opening it.”

You’re kidding me.

Me: “No…just open the napkin. It’s a good trick.”

Wife: “No.”

Me: “COME ON..OPEN THE NAPKIN.”

I almost said ‘bitch’ at this point because, seriously, JUST OPEN THE FUCKING NAPKIN!!

Wife: “Ugh. Fine.”

Now…instead of daintily opening said napkin with 1 carat ring inside…

…my wife grabs a CORNER of the napkin…

…and FLICKS IT OPEN.

She flicked it.

Like someone flicks someone in the ass with a towel.


As she flicks the goddamn napkin open, the ring – in all it’s sparkly glory – goes shooting up into the air…

…and flies 20 feet across the restaurant.

Awesome.

Somewhere, far away in the restaurant, I hear it hit the wooden floor and hop around with a bunch of little ‘tink tinkity tink’ sounds.

Just. How I’d. Planned it.

Not even a little.


I shoot up from the table…scramble across the restaurant…and find the ring.

Making my way back to the table, I look at my wife who is wondering what the fuck just happened and say:

Me: “Unbelievable. See? It’s a carat. I turned it into a carat. Ta da. I can’t believe you just fucking did that.”

Wife: “Oh..oh my..”

Yeah…’oh my’ as in ‘oh my you almost just threw away 3 thousand dollars.’

Me: “Nice job, kid. Will you marry me?”

She said ‘yeah.’

Happy 14th anniversary, honey.

I love you, woman. Thanks for putting up with all this bullshit.

Oh yeah…

I got you a carrot.

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