The Blinding Light of my Anus

Posted: October 22, 2009 in environment, rants, wtf

We should sell electric razors to polar bears.

That’s the conclusion I’ve come to after environmentally friendlinizing…



…friendlyerating …

…after buying some new squiggly lightbulbs for my house.

Friggin’ hippies don’t make the explanations easy.

Yeah – I’m looking at YOU, Oregon.

Put down the pot and goddamn protest signs and go buy a decent car with some legroom.

Regardless…after suffering through the movie “Arctic Tale” I realized the following:

1) No matter how cute the seal cub is, you still want to see something eat it

2) I’m most likely solely responsible for at least one glacier disappearing

Apparently, power vaginas use a lot more wattage than I originally thought.

Regardless, I’d be fine with #2 and the extinction of animals that I would have to go to a zoo and pay to see instead of doing something stupid like ‘camping’ or ‘hiking’ or ‘watching the Discovery Channel’

…if it weren’t for the fact that my kids were watching this movie as well.

Stupid life lessons.

Why must you inconvenience me so?!?



Dear National Geographic Films:

I hate your soul.

As such, my house has been thrust into a vortex of darkness as every single light and electrical appliance MUST BE SHUT off…

…or else something cute and fuzzy (or cold and edible by said cute and fuzzy thing) will get a sunburn and die.

Also, Global Warming will take hold!

This means that it will get warmer everywhere!  Glaciers will melt!!  Animals I never see – ever – will certainly die!!

Also, I will have to shovel less snow and have an extra month or two to swim in my pool and I’ll be able to drive my motorcycle longer and…

* Flicks all lights on in the house

I’ve lost my point.

Oh yeah.

Dead animals and shit.

As such, I ran out the following weekend and bought $200 worth of those squiggly light bulbs that look a lot like the thing I found in my mom’s dresser drawer that one time.

I still have nightmares.

Apparently, these squiggly light bulbs are supposed to save energy…and, therefore, save me money.

Hopefully, they save me enough money for that Hummer I want…

…you know, the one with the 62″ Plasma TV in the back.


But I digress…

I realized quickly, though, WHY these bulbs save so much energy.

It’s because when you turn them on, they emit as much light as your ass does.



Me: “What the…? Did I turn it on? Where’s the light? Who just grabbed my ass? Mom…why are you here?”

I don’t sleep well at night.

Then…from Mr. Squiggle Bulb comes…

…a flicker of light.


So, somewhere, the hippies and Al Gore neglect to tell you that although you’ll be saving a polar bear…

…you have to wait 6-1/2 hours for the fucking lights to actually turn on.

That’s just fan-foogoo-tastic.

So to compensate now I have to turn on every other light in the room and surrounding rooms to try to equal the light THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW from these stupid things.

I can’t poo in the darkness.

Bum goblins come up from the toilet if you do that.

That’s right.

Bum goblins.

While you’re waiting for this magical “light” phenomena to happen, you can cry over your Visa bill…

…which shows that you just spent $200 on FUCKING LIGHT BULBS.

What a goddamn moron.

Somewhere, in the distance, I hear a polar bear laugh.

I’m putting my old flood lights back in.

Then, I’m going out to eat a fucking seal.

Take THAT, National Geographic.


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