The Blindski Leading the Blindski

Posted: October 19, 2009 in friends, I'm an asshole, work

FYI – Before I start, I need to confess that I made a minor publishing snafu this morning, resulting in a couple of people commenting on a post that is now scheduled sometime around the Apocalypse…

..or when ‘balloon boy’s’ dad gets a reality show.

Which I think are the same thing.

My bad.

ONWARD WITH THE CORRECT POST!!

*************************
Silently making fun of the blind,
It’s a good thing.”

– Martha Stewart

*********************

Actually…that is less a direct quote from Martha Stewart and more of a quote from my blow up doll named “Martha Stewart.”

“Latex blow jobs, it’s a good thing.”

“Mmmmffff..mmfffff…”

– my blow up Martha Stewart doll

There.

That’s more like it.

Wait…

Where was I?

Oh…yes…

Blind People.

There’s a guy in my office who sits two cubes down who is blind as a bat.

For the sake of brevity, he shall hereafter be referred to as “Blind-O.”

I’m a sensitive guy.

I swear to God this guy has three monitors on his desk, and the magnification is so high that the mouse cursor thing on it looks like a fucking street sign.

Holy fuckshit.

Sure you can see that, Mr. Magoo?

You know how they say when one of your senses is dulled, your others become more acute?

Well..that’s this guy.

Except instead of his other senses, it’s just his GODDAMN VOLUME THAT’S BEEN CRANKED UP.

Seriously.

They should use this guy on the front lines in Afghanistan and just have him walk Al Qaida through troubleshooting their network.

Blind-O: “WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS FIRST CHECK THAT THE…”

Jimmy Bin Laden: “INFIDEL TOO LOUD! TOO LOUD! WE SURRENDER! OSAMA’S IN THE BATHROOM PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS ON A GOAT!”

So, the other day, Blind-O and this other asshole who chews with his mouth open across from me (we’ll call him ‘Chewy’) decide to have a conversation…

…right beside my desk.

Now, I share a cube with my friend, Kristin.

We sit RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER…but I sit on the aisle.

Blind-O is right next to me.

Chewy: “So..you just got back from Russia?”

Blind-O: “YES! JUST GOT BACK FROM MOSCOW! WHAT AN AMAZING PLACE!…THEY..”

* eardrums pop

Apparently, Blind-O was sent to Russia for some tech support job.

And now he can’t stop discussing yelling about it at the top of his goddamn lungs.

Ugh.

I’m getting a migraine.

That prompts this Instant Message exchange between me and Kristin (remember, we’re IN THE SAME CUBE):

*******************

midgetmanofsteel: ok, dude, get away from my fucking desk now

Kristin: throw something at him…he can’t see who did it anyway

midgetmanofsteel: lol

Kristin: wait…we sent a blind guy on a trip to Russia?

Kristin: or did i hear that wrong

midgetmanofsteel: maybe that’s where he thinks he went

midgetmanofsteel: probably went to Vermont or some shit

midgetmanofsteel: looked at a big maple and thought it was the Kremlin

*****************

Now that I’m rereading this, the funniest part of this conversation is:

Kristin: we sent a blind guy on a trip to Russia?

Because what self-respecting company would send a blind guy anywhere to do anything other than play piano or some shit?

EXACTLY.

Like I said.

I’m sensitive.

Or, as Blind-O would say:

I’M SENSITIVE!

Moog out.

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