Well..it’s back to school time.

That can mean only one thing here on “Mental Poo”….

I’m no longer allowed within 1000 feet of a school.

Woops.

Wait…wrong thing.

It can only mean:

MORE HORROR STORIES FROM MY WIFE’S KINDERGARTEN CLASS!!

There.

That’s less creepy.

My wife works at an inner-city school teaching Kindergarten.

Here, “inner city” means “if you don’t speak Spanish and have one pant leg rolled up you’re a dead man.”

In her Kindergarten class, kids don’t eat paste…they freebase it.

They don’t build houses with popsicle sticks…they make shanks.

I can’t blame my wife for working here, really…

The wonder you see in a child’s eyes when he shivs his first bitch is truly magical.

* sniff

Sorry..sorry…I get emotional.


But my wife started school, and her first order of business was to evaluate the kids’ level of education.

Or…really…the lack thereof.

You see…none of the kids speak English.

None.

Awesome.

The following two examples are TRUE stories of what my wife went through in these evaluations.

Enjoy.

Story #1: There are 26 animals in the alphabet

My wife has to show flash cards of the letters of the alphabet to the children and ask them these two questions:

1) What letter is this?

2) What sound does it make?

Simple, right?

I mean..these kids are 5 and 6 years old for Chrissakes.

Yeah..okay.

My wife holds up the letter ‘B.’

Wife: “What letter is this?”

* pause

Kid: “A COW!”

My wife looks down at the card.

Nope…nope…

It’s still a B.

Wife: “No..this is the letter B. Now…what sound does the letter ‘B’ make?”

Kid: “Moooooooo.”

Nice.


This went on for several letters…where the letter ‘C’ was also called a ‘bumblebee’ and makes the sound ‘buzz.’

Brilliant.

2) Letter: CHECK!….Sound it makes: notsomuch

Another kid is going through the alphabet and not faring any better than Farmer Gonzales over there.

FINALLY…my wife gets to the letter ‘W.’

Wife: “What letter is this?”

The kid starts freaking out.

HE KNOWS IT!!

HE KNOWS THE LETTER!!

Kid: “W! That’s a W!”

My wife is pumped as finally this little shit gets a fucking letter right.

Wife: THAT’S RIGHT!! And what sound does the ‘W’ make?”

Kid (still excited): “Boinkity boinkity boink!”

* blink

Boinkity.

Boinkity.

Boink.

The letter ‘W’ says ‘boinkity boinkity boink.’

Good to know.

I mean.

Good to kno-boinkityboinkityboink.

I shit you not.


Folks…

As a society in general…

We’re fucking doomed.

Hey…Obama…

That speech you gave to the schools the other day…

Think you can have that shit dubbed in Spanish?

Gracias.

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