Back in the Saddle…but Now I Have a Heating Pad

Posted: September 28, 2009 in motorcycle, pain and suffering


My back is still fucking killing me.

You know…

I thought karate was supposed to make you tougher.

Instead, I feel like someone drew a picture of Paris Hilton’s vagina on my lumbar while I was passed out in the back room of a night club.

Best. Tattoo. Ever.

What?

In my five days with this unrelenting soreness…

I’ve come up with a short list of things you don’t want to do when you have a sore back:

1) Go lifting

“Wow…my back is fucking killing me and I can barely bend over to spit out my toothpaste without having to prop myself up on my bruised and battered elbows.”

* pause

“LET’S PUMP SOME FUCKING IRON!”

On a related note:

I’ve never been accused of being smart.

******* Sidebar *******

Do you think ‘battered elbows’ was one of Jeffrey Dahmer’s favorite dishes?

Discuss.

******* End Sidebar *******

Great.

Now I want flesh.

Other shit you shouldn’t do with a bad back…

2) Ride your motorcycle

Not exactly sure what I was thinking here.

But when your lower back feels like John Goodman has camped out there and is diligently practicing his Scottish dancing…

“I’m Lord of the Dance! I’m Lord of the Dan…!”

* Thud

(apparent heart attack)

…sitting upright on a motorcycle driving 15 miles to work probably isn’t the best thing to fucking do.


* bump

“Ow.”

* bumpity bump

“Oooof….shit….that fucking hurt…ARGH! POTHOLE!!”

* CLUMP!!

“OHMYGOD OHMYGOD FUCK SHIT FUCKITY FUCKSHIT”

..and that’s just pulling out of my fucking driveway.

(reminder to call paving company)


At one point I fully expected my spine to simply detach at my pelvis and start flopping over to the side of my bike.

I hate when that happens.

3) Going Poo Poo

Stay with me on this one.

You see…

I can’t really bend.

Pooping requires bending.

(Try doing it once standing and you won’t make that same mistake again. My apologies to my neighbor here and a promise to buy them a new sandbox.)

Somehow..pooping also uses your back muscles.

At least mine do.

I eat big.

So..instead of the normal:

“..unnnghhh..”

I end up like this:

So dropping Ye Ole Deuce has become more of a chore lately, instead of the hour of family fun that it usually is.

Our board games suck.

So, yeah…

….my back is still fucking killing me and I’m running out of Oxycontin.

Maybe I’ll pick some up on my way home.

After I go to the gym on my motorcycle.

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