Feelin’ Loopy

Posted: September 24, 2009 in I'm an asshole, kids

Upside down
Boy, you turn me
Inside out
And round and round
Upside down
Boy, you turn me
Inside out
And round and round

– Diana Ross

*********** Sidebar ***********

Did Diana Ross come up with these lyrics as she was being manhandled during rough sex?

I’m guessing some 69 action (“upside down you turn me”)

…some reverse cowgirl (“round and round”)

..and maybe some bumsex (“inside out”…since sometimes there’s some poop on your penis)


OMG OMG OMG How will I get this image of Diana Ross getting railed out of my goddamn head now?


*********** End Sidebar ***********


Where was I?

Oh, yeah.



Here, in my little New Hampshire town, we have an amusement park.

Cows get in ½ price on Tuesdays!


Actually..it’s a pretty good amusement park namedCanobie Lake Park’ and – as far as parks can go in New Hampshire – is pretty decent.

(Canobie Lake Park Marketing slogan: “Come see our ride!“)

I kid.

They have two rides.

If you can count the popcorn vendor as a ride.

I’ve digressed.

My 8 year old daughter, Payton, is the only one in my family who will go on roller coasters with me.

She’s been on a number of coasters, but never a steel coaster.

Canobie has a steel corkscrew coaster.

(It’s next to the petting zoo and ‘fuck your own sheep’ exhibit)

Me: “Payton…are you going to go on your first loop coaster?”

Payton: “Yep.”


She was pumped. I was pumped.

She was finally going to go on a loop coaster.

That is..you see…

..until we got in line.

Payton: “..maybe I’m not ready.”


There goes my fucking loop coaster ride.

Can I beat children here?

It IS New Hampshire…I’m pretty sure it’s allowed as long as the branding iron isn’t over 300 degrees.

Me: “Honey..look…there are other kids doing it…you’ll be fine.”

She wasn’t fine.

We inch closer to the front of the line.

Payton: “Maybe I’ll wait a bit..”



Me: “You’ll be fine…see? It goes up, it goes around..it comes back. It will be over before you know it.”

I’m loaded with compassion.


We’re next.

The car pulls up, the other people get out…and we slide into our seats.

That’s when it gets ugly.

Payton starts standing up to get out.

Payton: “I don’t want to do this…I want to get out..”

Me (pulling her back in): “We’re already here. It will be over before you know it.”

(I say this to my wife every so often…it helps get me sex if she knows it’s gonna be quick and she won’t miss Big Brother or those funny Verizon FIOS commercials)

The bars come down.

We start moving.

Payton starts…


Fuckity fuckfuck.

As we go up the hill…she’s crying harder.

The people in front are looking back at the crying girl and the guy who made her do this.


How you doin.

Fuck me. Shit.

As we reach the top…turn the corner…and reach the crest of the first drop…

Payton yells…


Crying, hysterical, and at the top of her lungs:



Anyone see my ‘Father of the Year Award?’

You can probably stop looking.

Luckily, the ride only lasted 23 seconds…

(Hey! I could be a corkscrew roller coaster!)

…and my daughter survived.

She was psyched.

She made it.

We high fived.

And she hasn’t stopped bragging about it since.

Seriously…it’s been, like, fucking nonstop.

She won’t shut up about it.

It’s driving me nuts.

So if she thinks I’m taking her to the Popcorn Vendor ride, she’s crazy.

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