Lying.

It’s one of the greatest joys of parenthood.

Being able to fill your kids’ heads full of shit and watch them blatantly believe it is one of the main reasons I had children in the first place.

The other reason was to have someone mow my fucking lawn.

I hate doing that shit.

I’ve digressed.


(click these links to see why my kids think that raisins are people and why the wind took away our third child)

The other night at the dinner table my 8 year old daughter, Payton, started about how she wants to change her name.

Again.

Payton: “I hate my name.”

Me: “Because you can’t find a coffee mug or keychain with your name on it?”

Payton: “Yep.”

She 8 fucking years old.

Why she needs a fucking mug and keys at this stage in her life, I have no idea.

But I guess that explains the extra mileage on my car and the fucking Dunkin Donuts cups all over the goddamn floor when I got in it this morning.

Sneaky little shit.


Me: “Listen..when you’re 18, you can change your name to whatever you want.”

*pause

Payton: “Then start calling me Isabella.”

Isabella.

Now there’s a phenomenal choice.

Because I can’t go anywhere without seeing aisles and aisles of coffee mugs and keychains with ISABELLA engraved on them.

Brilliant.

Shit like this is why sometimes when I see stories about people who lock their kids in clothes dryers and closets and attics and shit, I go:

“Eh…I can see that.”


Back to the topic at hand:

Lying to your children as an enjoyable pastime.

Because my 6 year old son, Cam, is now joining the conversation.

Cam: “Can we really change our name?”

Me: “Yep. But you don’t have to worry. We’ve already put in the paperwork to change yours to Ezekiel.”

Cam: “Really?”

Me: “Yep. In first grade, you’ll be Ezekiel. Everyone will call you ‘Zeke.’”

His eyes light up.

I glance over at my wife, who is just staring at me.

Well..less staring and more glaring while shaking her head as she tries to figure out why she said ‘I do.’

I get that a lot.


Payton: “Cam..when you…”

I interrupt her, by whispering in her ear:

“No….no….Call him Zeke.”

Payton: “Zeke?”

Without missing a beat or even looking up from his plate…he says:

“Wazzup?”

Hook and line?

Meet sinker.

Awesome.


Me: “I’m just kidding buddy…your name is still Cam.”

* blink

He starts…

Crying.

He’s….devastated.

Wife: “Great. See what you do?! Do you see what you do?!?”

Um…yeah.

I do.

I really do.

And just like Jimmy who cracks corn, I don’t care.

Excuse me now, I have to go mow my fucking lawn.

Seriously..I thought the kids would be doing this shit for me by now.

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