Headline: "Apple Falls From Tree, Stays Close By"

Posted: September 2, 2009 in kids, parenting

Before I start today…

LiLu and I finally tag-teamed and are doing a guest post over on Maxie’s blog for ‘Would You Rather…?’ Wednesday.

No genitalia was harmed in the making of that post.



Yep, he’s mine alright.

My six year old son, Cam.

Although I’ve had my suspicions that he may be the spawn of the UPS guy…

(seriously…when your six year old puts your own schlong to shame, you gotta be a little suspicious)

…I now know he’s mine for sure.

The Scene: Chuck E. Cheese

Motivation: Waiting to play the ‘Deal or No Deal’ game

On a related note:

My weekends fucking suck.

My daughter had sleepovers and playdates and all kinds of shit going on over the weekend, so my son was feeling a bit left out.

Me: “Hey. The UPS guy is here. I didn’t know they delivered on Sunday.”

Wife: “Um….HEY! Why don’t you take Cam to Chuck E. Cheese?”


I took my son to Chuck E. Cheese.

Not sure why she made me take the phone off the hook, though. But whatever.

Before I left though, my wife looked at my son and said:

Wife: “Play a game of ‘Deal or No Deal’ for me!”

Deal or No Deal.

There’s a game in Chuck E. Cheese where you do the whole ‘pick a briefcase’ thing in an attempt to win tickets so you can buy shit at the counter that you’ll throw out in a week anyway.

I suck at investing.

However, during our entire time there, the Deal or No Deal game was being played by other people.

This upset my son who now had something to do specifically for his mom.

So instead we went on a simulator ride right next to the Deal or No Deal game and waited for the people to get the fuck off it.


If you’re ever looking for a cheap orgasm, go to Chuck E. Cheese and ride the friggin’ Mad Wave Motion Theater.

It only costs a quarter.

The last time I got an orgasm this cheap, I also got a really bad case of genital warts and a black eye from the monkey.

I’ve digressed.

On the quick orgasm front, I recommend the “Arctic Run” simulation for this goal.

Jesus H. Christ.

I thought my fucking teeth were going to fall out.

That thing vibrated so violently that I believe it shook a little bit of poo out of me.

Me: (to next rider): “You might want to spray some Lysol on that first.”

So, as I’m violently shaking for twenty minutes like Portia De Rossi and Ellen Degeneres at a vibrator festival…

…we keep checking to see who’s on the Deal or No Deal game.


Fat fucking bald guy.

My son is getting frustrated.

Son: “Oh, man.”

Me: “B-b-b-b-e p-p-p-p-patient…it will c-c-c-c-clear up.”

Son: “Okay, okay. Let’s ride this again!”

Me: “Oh No! Here c-c-c-comes K-K-K-Kennny…to… k-k-k-kill me!”

Kevin Kline is genius.

After three more rides…

(Oh! Look! My molar fell out!)

…my son looks over again at the Deal or No Deal game.

An old woman is now playing it.


Here’s where I know he’s my kid.

Because he looks up and also sees the old lady.

Now he’s really aggravated.

Pissed off, he looks at me and says:

“Oh, GREAT. Now grandma’s playing it.”

Fucking. Awesome.

Seeing as she’s only two feet away, she looks over all pissed.

I’m laughing.


My kid.

I tried to call my wife to tell her but the phone was still off the damn hook.



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