Burnin’ Down the House

Posted: August 20, 2009 in kids, parenting

Before I start – some shameless pleading (this time it’s NOT for sex..but I’m still taking offers).

Head over to Living Wicked and vote for the best story ending for her tale about a guy falling into some other guys’ feces.

Been there, done that too many times to count.

But even on purpose it’s still a little uncomfortable.



* stupid backspace never works right

My story ending is #12.

I get some weird book or something.

I have no idea if the book has pictures or not…which pretty much sums up my reading ability.

Whatever…I just like winning.

Thanks for the vote.





We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

– some bug-eyed dickfuck who wasn’t me who managed to get married to Christie Brinkley and bang the bejeesus out of that chick

I’m not bitter.


Speaking of the Christie Brinkley…

If you’d like to read about our tumultuous relationship…

Click Here.

Go ahead.

I’ll wait.

Ah! You’re back!!

Let’s move on.

While we were vacationing in New York…

(New York City motto: “Yeah…I think we could squeeze another Asian tourist in here somewhere”)

..we visited the FDNY Fire Zone.

If you ask my kids what they liked best about New York…

The Statue of Liberty cruise…

Going to the Central Park Zoo…

Visiting the docked aircraft carrier museum…

They would pick the FDNY Fire Zone as their favorite thing we did.

Thanks, kids.

You owe me $1,100 for all the fucking money I wasted going to all the other goddamn shit.

Little bastards.

While at the FDNY Fire Zone, an actual firefighter goes through a pretty cool presentation about fire safety…using actual stories, visuals, special effects, etc.

He then asks the kids questions.

So, after one of these stories, this is what happened:

FireFighter: “So…what knucklehead thing did Jimmy do?”

Son: “He was smoking!”

FireFighter: “Correct. And that’s not healthy…and what’s worse is that he fell asleep…and that started the fire.”

Me: WE SHOULD KILL ALL SMOKERS!!! Their carelessness will destroy us all!!”

* cricket


Fine. I didn’t say that.

I WOULD have…

…but he wasn’t taking answers from the “adults.”

Stupid rules.

After the presentation, though…

THIS happened:

We were getting ready to leave, saying ‘thank you’ to the firefighters there…when…

Daughter (out of the blue): “I did a knucklehead thing once.”

Firefighter: “Oh yeah? What did you do?”

Daughter: “I put my brother’s monster truck in the microwave and it started a fire.”


* blink

She did….what?

I look at my wife.

My wife looks at me.

This is the first time either of us are hearing of our daughter torching the house.


Wife: “What?! When did this happen?”

Daughter: “When grammy was over. I put Cam’s truck in the microwave. It made sparks and then caught on fire and there was lots and lots of smoke and everything.”

We look at each other…completely shocked…

…then look at the firefighters…

…who are laughing.


They’re fucking laughing.

Daughter: “..and the fire alarms went off and grammy had to throw water on it and…”

Oh. My. God.

Are you fucking kidding me?


Still laughing.


That night, my wife calls her mother.

Wife: “..oh…and, we learned something interesting today. Payton told us that she almost burned the house down by putting a monster truck in the microwave.”

* cricket

MIL: “Oh. Um…she told you that?”

Yeah, ma.

She told us that.

She told EVERYONE that.


Wife: “At least the firefighters got a good laugh out of it.”

I’m glad my wife sees a silver lining out of this.

The silver lining.

I’m waiting for my daughter to find it and put it in the fucking microwave now.


And I thought Jimmy was a knucklehead.


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