When Facebook Needs a Paper Bag

Posted: August 10, 2009 in about me, friends, wtf

You know…some posts just write themselves.

By the way…

I’m on Facebook.

Now, now…I don’t want you all running to your accounts and adding me as your ‘friend’ because, frankly, I don’t pay attention to it.

Although, friends would be nice.

I’m getting sick of these sock puppets.

These dirty, naughty, sock puppets.

My penis has rug burn.


What was I talking about?



So, I DO have an account…but it’s pretty much hard to find and get to on purpose.

This is because I don’t pay attention to it…

…otherwise I’d have to go and do the stupid shit like:

‘Jimmy wants to slap you on the ass’ thing and THEN have to either:

a) Accept Jimmy’s slap on the ass (gay)

b) Slap Jimmy back on the ass (gay)

c) Ignore Jimmy’s request to slap me in the ass (straight)

d) Figure out who the fuck this Jimmy guy is who wants to touch my ass (bi)

Frankly, I don’t have the time or the clearance based on these restraining orders to do all that shit.

So…I don’t.

But I got this email the other day:

(click to enlarge…that’s what she said)

Lisa Loomis added me as a friend on Facebook.


The day I’ve been waiting for has finally arrived!

This begs the question:

Who the fuck is Lisa Loomis?

Curious…I clicked on the link…

Ladies and gentlemen…

Here..in all her wonderful glory…

Lisa Loomis:

Honestly…I have not a single clue who this person is..

..or if it’s real.

Because, if this is real…I feel bad continuing with this post.

On a related note:

I make myself laugh sometimes.

Regardless…here are Lisa’s details:

(click to enlarge..again)


My name is Lisa. I am self-employed and work from my home. When Im not working, I enjoy spending time with my dogs, hiking, cooking, waxing my car. Im making alot of progress in therapy.


“..waxing my car” and “Im making a lot of progress in therapy”

I’m not making this up.


When I first clicked on this, Lisa’s “info” included that she liked dogs, hiking, cooking, and self-mutilation.

I swear to God.

Sometimes, the Gods of humor just open up the skies to me.

Let’s keep going:


Running my busness, Training my dogs, cooking new recipes, collecting comics, Watching old Movies, reading about mythological beasts, working on my car, meeting People, wrestling



Reading about mythological beasts…

…and wrestling.

The two qualities I look for most in a woman.


Lisa…if you’re real, I’m sorry.

If not…holy fuckshit…you made me fucking laugh you crazy bitch.

Thanks for being my friend.



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