Remembering Lexi

Posted: July 22, 2009 in about me, pets

Before I start today, my heartfelt apologies to those coming over from FunnyRunner’s blog, LLOL.

She gave me an award stating that I’m a hilarious must-read.

Man…those folks are going to be sorely disappointed today.

May I suggest going back to last week…or previous posts this week…or wait til tomorrow.

Nice timing, FunnyRunner. Nice timing.

Here goes.

****************************

Lexi: Unknown birth date – July 21, 2009.

I’m sorry, folks.

But if you came here today looking for a laugh, or to get angry, or to get some weird pictures or such…

…you’re in the wrong place.

At least for today.

And I’m not joking.

Feel free to move along to the next blog if this ain’t your style…

Because I’m not feeling funny today.

At all.

You see:

I had to put my dog down this morning (by the time you read this, it will be yesterday morning)

…so what you get today, if you continue to read, is my one, cathartic moment.

If you don’t feel like reading it, I don’t blame you. I had a hard time writing it.

But I need to write right now.

So, I’m writing.

After almost 500 posts, I’m giving myself this one.

I will return to my regularly scheduled hilarity as soon as I man up and get over this.

My apologies.

And now…my farewell letter to my dog, Lexi.

*********************

Dear Lexi,

This morning was hard.

It was much harder than I imagined it to be.

Because for the last 12 years you have driven me insane, cost me untold amounts of money in vet bills and boarding and food and pooper scoopers and dog cookies.

You’ve ruined my lawn and many spots on my carpet and hardwood floors.

But I wouldn’t change a moment of it.

From the moment that mommy and I saw you in the shelter, we knew you were the one.

Even though they said you were ‘mean’ and would bite…

(which you did…and for some reason continued to do right up until the other night…seriously…it’s a cookie…we’re not going to take it away from you…you should know that shit by now)

…you came to us anyway and wagged your stupid little tail and pulled back your giant ears and was happy.

You were ours from then on.

I didn’t think I would cry as much as I did when you sat last night and coughed and coughed and hacked and wheezed and your failing heart raced so fast that you tipped over and became helpless…to the point where you couldn’t walk.

And there’s nothing that would have stopped us last night from picking you up and bringing you to our room so you wouldn’t feel alone…or sitting with you and patting you when you couldn’t stand.

I miss you already.

I wanted to stretch out the time with you for one more day.

But I couldn’t.

And I’m sorry.

I’ve often said that I was waiting for you to die. That you weren’t worth the trouble. That you were a pain in the ass.

I’m glad I was able to tell you that I was sorry for that.

I didn’t mean it. None of it.

People can be stupid. But you know that…you’ve been around me for 12 years. Imagine how mommy feels…she’s been with me for 21.

But I didn’t mean what I said.

I’m sorry, Lexi.

I’m sorry.

Picking you up and watching you in the car without the strength to stand and put your head out the window…heading to the vet knowing that you weren’t coming home…was hard to push through.

And handing you over to the tech and kissing you for the last time and saying ‘goodbye’ was damn near impossible.

And I will forever regret not having the guts to go in and pat you and hold your paw while they put you to sleep.

I’m regretting it now and it’s only been 5 hours since you left.

I’m so sorry.

I should have been with you.

I just couldn’t watch you die.

Big man, eh?

Yeah. Big man.

So, I know you can’t read and they probably don’t have Internet access in dog heaven, but I needed to let you know all of this.

Daddy loves you.

Daddy misses you.

Daddy will never forget you.

Bye, Lexi.

And, thank you for being part of my life.

Love,

Your Daddy.

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