I’m not sure what the little guy did to deserve this.

I have two stories about Elmo.

Yes. Elmo.

The puppet.

The last time I had my hand in something red and fuzzy that talked funny was back in college.

On a related note:
It takes a while for your friends to forgive you for banging their girlfriend while they’ve gone back home for two weeks because they have mono.

You’ve been warned, guys.

You’re welcome.


Today…you get story #1.

Here goes:

I drive my kids to school most mornings.

I used to drive other kids to school but the restraining order put a stop to that.

Apparently, just because I make a sign called “School” and hang it in my basement doesn’t necessarily make it true.

Stupid laws.

I’ve digressed.


Driving my kids to school on this particular morning, for whatever reason, the topic of Elmo came up.

Now…I have to confess:

I do a mean Elmo impersonation.

I’m assuming this has to do with the fact that I’m about his height…

…and have had a vasectomy.

You’re a short guy?

Normal voice.

You’re a short guy who’s taken a scalpel to his sack?

Welcome to “Muppet Town”.

Population: you.

You poor falsetto-note-singing bastard.


So, a game started to be played where the kids would ask, “Where’s Elmo?”

…and I would reply in my Elmo voice with something weird like:

Son: “Where’s Elmo?”

Me (in Elmo imitation): “Elmo in the swamp!…Is this quicksand?….AAARRGGHH!”

..or..

Daughter: “Where’s Elmo?”

Me: “Elmo in the woods. Oh, look…a bear! Hi bear!…Nice bear…NICE BEAR!! Elmo running away now! AAARRGHHH!!”

* cricket

And I wonder why my kids are messed up.


So..this game goes on every morning.

Then my kids start playing it with each other…leaving me out of it.

Thank Christ.

It’s bad enough I have to feed and clothe them and shit…

…but the ‘attention’ aspect of parenting really takes time away from me thinking about porn.

Mmmm.

Porn.

Um…wait.

What the fuck were we talking about?

Oh.

Elmo.


So…one day…

…my son said something that damn near killed me while they were playing this in the back seat.

He’s 5 years old, mind you.

Here’s how it went:

Daughter: “Where’s Elmo?”

* pause

Son: “Elmo’s jumping out of a plane with his parachute!”

* pause

Son: “Elmo’s falling through the sky!”

* pause

Son: “Oh no! Elmo’s parachute won’t open! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”

Then he makes this noise:

Son: “Thump.”

* pause

And now…the kicker….

Son: “Elmo…suffering…in pain…”

* blink

Yep.

Elmo. Suffering. In pain.

Dude…twisted.

I totally fucking lost it laughing.

Awesome.

Yep.

He’s my kid, alright.

He’s SO screwed.

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Comments
  1. Stacie's Madness says:

    haha, that is hilarious.
    I love when my kids do something fucking awesome and I can claim it as one of my traits. 🙂

  2. Malicious Intent says:

    But what happened to elmo after he fell and was in pain? It is not fair to tell us a story and not finish it. Now I won't get any sleep tonight.

    Did someone:

    A. Call an ambulance for elmo?
    B. Take a 9mm and put the poor bastard out of his misery?
    C. Did wild animals run up and eat his still breathing carcass?

    Come on…don't leave us hanging like that. Wrong, just wrong.

  3. Chris@Maugeritaville says:

    You have screwed that kid up beyond all hope.

    Good work, my friend, good work.

  4. LiLu says:

    To be fair, I'm pretty sure approximately 99% of the parental population would LOVE to see Elmo suffering in pain.

    (Sidenote: Elmo's totally bangable.)

    What?? I'd paperbag it…

  5. Mike says:

    I'm looking forward to reading your son's blog in about 10 years.

  6. kathcom says:

    Your son is a riot. I also love the photo of Elmo with a pig sticker.

    The kid's arm with the razor blade instruction is so frigging dark. I really respect that.

  7. Blonde Goddess says:

    I too can do an Elmo voice that is eerily convincing.
    I often make remarks about Elmo hating red because red is like the devil OR I say that Elmo is horny and he's so horny he rubbed all the fur off it…you know.
    Normal stuff like that.

  8. the iNDefatigable mjenks says:

    My room mate in college bore an uncanny resemblance to Elmo if you shaved the muppet. Even his voice was a mixture of Muppet and South Side of Chicago.

  9. AD says:

    AHAAAA.

    I want to hear this mean Elmo impersonation.

    And, yeah, your son is pretty much f*cked. :]

    But in a rad way. Lol.

  10. DouglasDyer says:

    The kid is a prodigy. Mine says "poo" a lot and laughs so I'm pretty sure that's a good sign.

  11. Kellie says:

    Your kid has got to be the coolest kid in school. Am I right? He's super badass. Pretty soon he's going to be able to kick the shit out of his muppet dad. You'd better watch out!

  12. Bird Shit and Baby Caca says:

    OMG! You're son is awesome and sick in the head…lol! Kind of reminds me of my niece and when she sings songs about people "dying in her heart"…so sick….lol!

  13. Malach the Merciless says:

    Michael Jackson must be proud of his best student

  14. moooooog35 says:

    Stacie: Same here…except usually it's my daughter farting.

    MI: There you go…an idea for a post…YOU finish the story!

    How will end?

    Will anyone care?

    Chris: I'm his dad…screwing him up is my job.

    LiLu: * insert look of 'why am I not surprised' here *

    Mike: In 10 years he'll be running the Penthouse Empire.

    I'm teaching him to reach for the stars.

    kathcom: Yeah. It's amazing what you find on Sesame Street's website.

    BG: I also do a kick ass kermit and Ernie. Not literally, although I DO have the puppets.

    Not sure why you need to know that.

    Mjenks: I don't even want to know how you know what a shaved Elmo puppet looks like.

    AD: Did you just say 'in a rad way?'

    Did I just wake up in California in 1983?

    Doug: Yeah..about your kid…your wife and I have been meaning to tell you….

    Kellie: Pretty soon he'll be able to kick my ass? He's been doing that for years now.

    I'm tough.

    Bird Shit: Sounds like you have a future goth there. Good luck with that.

    Malach: Must HAVE been proud. If I'm not mistaken, I think he just shit the pop music bed.

  15. Christina_the_wench says:

    Elmo, Farrah and Michael all in one day. I must rest.

  16. FawkesFire says:

    Wow. Just, wow. Your kid is going to be a bad ass. Seriously. Now you just have to get your daughter to make the sound effects and whatnot.

    as a side note, when therapy becomes a topic of conversation for you and your children remember not to do the Elmo voice. Just thought I'd throw that idea in there.

  17. Kellie says:

    Just for you I added a picture of a girl in lacy panties. You are welcome.

  18. ettarose says:

    We should get all our funny shit from the kids. It is only dirty in our minds. When my youngest grand daughter was about 7 she heard us talking about Calamari. Later at the dinner table she told her Grand father she was going to make him eat squid testicles. I still laugh about that.

  19. mylittlebecky says:

    poooor elmo! this made me giggle

  20. justjp says:

    I want to hang your make it count poster in my office! That is awesome.

  21. beaverboosh says:

    chip off the old block dude

  22. Malicious Intent says:

    I came across a button today and with all of the storms we have been having it made me feel concerned for you. It read…
    "Short people are the least to get rained on, but the first to drown."

    I found that very deep. Heavy i mean..Wow..you poor unfinished story telling little bastard.

    I understand why you are so bitter now.

    I do hope it is a sunny weekend for you..because this also means the sun takes longer to get to you and you do not burn as fast as the rest of us.

    Enjoy!

  23. Alaina says:

    That was so hilarious that I had to comment.

    That is all.

    Carry on.

  24. Chris Wood says:

    You are a modern day saint. No question about it.

  25. Organic Meatbag says:

    If it is possible for a puppet/muppet to die, I think that Elmo will take a page from the book of Carradine and die from an adventurous session of Auto-erotic asphyxiation…

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