Cloudy with a Chance of an OJ Simpson Verdict

Posted: June 22, 2009 in rants, vacation, wtf

Before I start:

Don’t forget the BIIIIIIIG contest that I started last week.

You can win an authentic “Mental Poo” Mug!

Which, you know…

…you can also buy at my store.

Fine.

Contest ain’t that big.

No more entries will be accepted after TODAY.

Sorry…I have to do it…remember…I’m a dumbass.

At least that’s what Bloo thinks.

Now…ONWARD!!

**********************

I’m going on vacation in a couple of weeks.

And, no, you can’t come.

Wow.

Had a vasectomy flashback there for a second.

I’ve gone off topic.

We’re taking the family on a road trip.

First stop:

New York City.


Since I’m pretty anal about my trip planning…

(that’s what the whore travel agent said)

…I thought I’d see if I could find a super long range weather forecast for New York City in July.

Like Farmer’s Almanac.

Because, you know…

Who on Earth would know what the weather was going to be like an entire month from now in one of the busiest cities in the world better than a guy who fucks sheep?

Mmmm…sheep.

I’m totally going to Iowa.

Wait.

Weather.

We’re back on course!


(yep…that’s one of mine…)

So, I plugged the following search into Google:


“New York City weather July 2009”

Fine. Simple enough.

Until I browsed down on the results, and saw…

THIS:

(click to enlarge…that’s what the whore travel agent said)


What. The fuck.

Obviously, I have to click on this site.

Here, according to this guy, is the forecast for New York City:

*********************
THREAT LEVEL RED 07/01/09 to 07/11/09

AN EARTH-SHATTERING CALAMITY IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. IT IS GOING TO BE SO FRIGHTENING, WE ARE ALL GOING TO TREMBLE – EVEN THE GODLIEST AMONG US.

For ten years I have been warning about a thousand fires coming to New York City.

It will engulf the whole megaplex, including areas of New Jersey and Connecticut.

Major cities all across America will experience riots and blazing fires—such as we saw in Watts, Los Angeles, years ago.

There will be riots and fires in cities worldwide.

There will be looting— including Times Square, New York City.

What we are experiencing now is not a recession, not even a depression. We are under God’s wrath.

*********************
Jesus H. Christ.

Meteors?! Looting?!

Fuck.

I’ve already booked the fucking hotels and everything.


So, I turn to my wife:

Me: “Hey, hon…looks like there will be meteor showers and shit the week we’re in New York.”

Wife: “Awesome.”

Me: “Says there will be looting in Times Square.”

Wife: “Looting? That’s excellent news.”

Me: “Yep…looting. But on the bright side…hey…FREE TV!”

She stops a second, then asks:

Wife: “When’s this going to happen?”

Luckily for me, this guy has actually put the date down.

Me: “June 1st through the 11th. We get to New York on the 11th. “

* pause

Wife: “What’s it going to do on the 12th? If there are no meteors, maybe we should push it off a day.”

The woman…is GENIUS.

I just hope there are still some TV’s left to loot on the 12th.

I mean, a devastated city will be cool and all…

…but a FREE PLASMA would make the trip so worth it.

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