Dear Moog: Put Your Dongle in my Expansion Slot

Posted: June 15, 2009 in Dear Moog, sex


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where good questions breed good advice.

Unfortunately, you all send me crap.

So I’ve got a bunch of shitty questions in the corner over there screwing like teenagers with their socks on.

This is gonna get ugly.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid shit you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

Today’s question comes from Ali.

Ali writes:

Don’t worry, Ill make this easy on you and make it short.

Why are all IT guys PERVERTS!!! I swear it is like part of your job training. Please explain……………

Thank you,
Concerned Female in Corporate America

****************************
A female…

… in CORPORATE AMERICA?!?!?

Is there a ‘baking cookies’ division of your company, because I’ve never heard of such a thing!

Just crazy talk is all that is.

I’ve digressed.


Without further ado,

Let’s begin the response to Ali’s letter.

****************************
Dear Ali,

First off, I’m so happy to hear that your Parkinson’s is doing well enough to take time to write me.

But, I’m sad.

To be such a great boxer but now subjected to the taunts of 90-pound computer guys who get to see less box than Britney Spears’ paparazzi must truly suck.

Oh.

Not Muhammad Ali.

Nevermind.


So, I asked Ali for some examples of this ‘sexual harassment’ (make air quotes for best effect).

Here’s what she wrote back:

***********************
Lets see examples huh?

Oh God they are just gross!

Always saying they can see up my skirt, trying guess the underwear the associates and interns wear.

They have access to our employee photos and they are always photo shopping them on gross stuff and then posting it in their department when no managers are down in their department.

They make up nick names for us and use them when we call. Attempting phone sex when we call for service…..etc.

***********************

* blink

I wrote Ali back this:

***********************
Holy shit!!

Are they hiring?!?!?

That. Job. Sounds. AWESOME!!

***********************

Seriously.

What a great fucking job that is. I’m so jealous I can’t stand it.


Where was I?

Oh yeah.

IT people are perverts.

Listen…

I know sexual harassment.

I learned it from one of the best in the business.

Also…

I’ve been working in the computer industry for years.

Perversion is what we do.

That, and sometimes installing antivirus shit.

Whatever…just get used to it.


Trust me, if you play along…there are extra bonuses.

Example #1:

You: “Hey..my computer just froze up.”

IT Guy: “I know…it must be freezing. I can see your giant nipples and my balls are blue.”

WRONG RESPONSE:

You: “I’m going to HR this instant to report you!”

RIGHT RESPONSE:

You: “Have sex with me!”

…and/or blowjob.

Either one, really.

THE PAYOFF:

3 months free Internet surfing outside of the Corporate Internet Usage Policy.

fatchicksinpartyhats.com, here I come!!

Example #2:

You: “Hi..my computer locked up and now I have the Blue Screen of Death.”

IT Guy: “Uh oh. Not good. Hey…let me put my pinky in your butt.”

* makes shocker symbol for added effect

(the don’t teach subtlety in ‘Learning Excel Spreadsheets’ courses)

WRONG RESPONSE:

You relentlessly empty your pepper spray container on him.

RIGHT RESPONSE:

IT guy inserts his pinky in your bum hole.

THE PAYOFF:

Any and all computer problems you have put you immediately first in the ‘To be fixed’ queue.

Also…

Other guys in IT get to insert their pinky in your bum hole.

Helpful hint: IT guys can’t keep secrets.

By the way, you make ‘pervert’ sound like it’s a bad thing.

It’s when IT guys STOP being perverts that you need to worry…

…because that means that they don’t want to bang you and you’re probably ugly.

You’re welcome.

Moog out.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.

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