Lab #1: Insert Apple into Colon

Posted: June 10, 2009 in I'm an asshole, sad teaching stories, work

Stupid fucking teacher.

I’d put an apple on his desk, but he’s probably too fucking stupid to eat it.

Me: “I brought you an apple, teach!”

Teacher: “Thanks!..Unnngghh…UUNNGGHH!”



A perfectly good Golden Delicious is now brown and not so good.


Now I want an apple.

On a side note, I look fantabulous in my Catholic School Girl outfit and matching ball-gag.

But I’ve digressed.

A few weeks ago, I spent 5 days – 40 hours – in a training class for my job.

You may be thinking:

Sex Gods need TRAINING?!?

Don’t lie.

You know you were thinking that.


Everything you need to know about Sex God Training can be summed up in this one elaborate equation:

((P + V) * ((Lube + stray pinky finger))/x minutes (where x=3)= rockin’ good time.

I know.

I totally blew your mind right there.

Just like “Good Will Hunting” but not even remotely similar.

Actually, I was in a technical training course.

This course had the word, “ADVANCED” just before the rest of the title.

And although I’m sure my wife wishes the course was “Advanced Sexual Techniques for the Tiny-Penised Male”

…alas it was not.

Look out, honey!

Here comes two more minutes of fun!

For me.

No – the class was an advanced technical class.

As such, I would expect a couple of things:

1) To learn something new
2) That the instructor wasn’t a stupid fuckshit

Neither was true.

Instead, I spent roughly 25 of these forty hours saying shit like:

“This still isn’t working.”

“Nope. Not working.”

“So…how do you do this exactly? By the way, this fucking thing still isn’t working.”

“Do you actually test this fucking shit…or is it like your visit to the gay bar…just stick your dick out and hope an ass lands on it?”

“If I have to sit through two more days of this shit, I’m going to take this fucking box and throw it out the goddamn window.”

His replies?

“Yeah. Um. I really don’t know how to do that.”

…and…my favorite…

“Um. That’s beyond my level of expertise.”


Wait..wait..let me check the course descrip..yep..yep…says “ADVANCED” right here in the title.

Apparently, the criteria for teaching an ‘Advanced’ course is:

1) Be semi-conscious

Be able to say “Um. Err…” repetitively

3) Be able to know where to send people for lunch in the general vicinity

4) Be completely incapable of answering a single fucking question unless it’s about where the fuck to eat lunch in the general vicinity

Asshole teacher.

Total fucking waste of time.

But, I’m back now.

In an advanced state of pissed-offedness.

On the bright side, they brought cookies in the afternoon.

And, no…

I didn’t stop the teacher from sticking it in his ass.

He totally deserved that shit.


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