Lexi and Me

Posted: May 20, 2009 in about me, pets

Today, folks…a rare opportunity for you:

You will peer into my heart and soul.

My alternate title to this post:

My Stupid Dog

On a related note:

My heart is black like the night.


I’ve written a bit about my dog on this blog.

About the time that we were new in the neighborhood and I had a swearfest with the stupid bitch down the street because her fucking dog tried to eat my dog at 6 in the morning.

Stupid bitch.

Where was I?

Oh yeah…dog stuff…

There was the time my dog shit red.

And now…

…there’s this time.

You see…we’ve had my mutt for about 13 years now.

She’s old.

I’ve kind of been waiting for her to die.

Seriously…my fucking lawn is ruined from all her shit and piss.

There is no “Scott’s Turfbuilder with Dogshit Repair Patch” to fix that.

Trust me – I’ve asked the folks at Home Depot.

I’m no longer welcome at Home Depot.

So, I’m pretty much waiting for her to kick it so I can have grass again.


This almost happened the other night.

At about midnight…my dog started coughing.

My dog started coughing so hard that she made herself throw up.

My wife and I sat with her for hours…

…consoling her…patting her…

…making her comfortable.

We were pretty sure she was dying.

I took time off the next day and took her to the vet.

She was still coughing and throwing up…and I feared that the kids had said their last ‘goodbye’s’ to Lexi earlier that morning.

As they took Lexi away to have x-rays done, I started thinking about her and everything we’ve been through in 13+ years.

It was like Marley and Me except no Jennifer Aniston and my nose isn’t quite as fucked up as Owen Wilson’s.

But I got to thinking about her anyway.

How she was our first ‘kid,’ she got all the attention before we had real children.

She appears in every single video I have…always mugging for the camera.

She was my girl.

And now…

…now I’d probably have to part with her.

I stifled back tears…

…the emotion welling in me to the point where I thought I’d break not even fully knowing the outcome.

It was harder than I thought it would be.

(I was going to write ‘that’s what she said’ right here…but it occurred to me that no woman has ever said that to me)

The doctor came back in with Lexi, and showed me the x-rays.

Doctor: “Looks like she has bronchitis. I’ll give you a prescription…she should start to get better in a few days.”

A miracle.

She was going to be okay.

Me: “Phew. Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much.”

Then I went to check out.

Receptionist: “You’re Lexi’s owner?”

Me: “Yes.”

Receptionist: “Okay. That will be $217 dollars.”

* blink

* blink blink

Me: “What? 217 dollars?!”

Receptionist: “Yes, sir.”

* pause

Me: “How much to put her to sleep?”

Fucking dog.


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