Spring Things and Loud Chirping Asshat Birds

Posted: May 18, 2009 in I'm an asshole, rants, wtf


“YAY, Daddy! Look! The lawn grubs are back!”

* num num num

Fucking ay.

Third week in fucking May and my lawn looks like dog shit already.

Awesome.

Thus begins Spring in New England.


How do we recognize the coming of spring in New England?

1) It’s the time when the birds return from their winter jaunt to the land of the heat and elderly.

I know they’re back because there’s 400 of the little fuckers sitting in the pine tree next to my bedroom window fucking chirping their little shitty fucking bird heads off at 4 in the morning.

Nature is stupid.


2) It’s the time when the five feet of fucking snow melts and I can actually take my fucking Christmas lights down unlike my goddamn neighbor, Jeff, who keeps them up all fucking year SERIOUSLY JEFF TAKE THE FUCKING LIGHTS DOWN YOU’RE DRIVING DOWN MY HOME’S RESALE VALUE YOU GODDAMN LAZY PRICK.

Ahem.


3) It’s the time when women drive really really badly.

Oh. Sorry.

That last one is pretty much a year round thing everywhere.

You know it’s true. Don’t give me that shit.


Spring in New England…

4) It’s the time when you can hear the crackle of the motorcycle exhausts as soon as the temperature peaks above 40 degrees.

Me: “G..g..ggett…yourrr…rrr…mmmmmm…mmootooorr…rrunnn…runninn….FUCKING DAFFY DUCKSHIT I’M COLD!”

It takes me 45 minutes after my morning motorcycle commute to find my balls.

That’s 1 minute more than usual.

Stupid miniature scrotum.


5) The dog shit in my back yard is no longer frozen in snow and is now the consistency of some type of hairy stink shit-pudding

Mmmm.

Smooshy thawed 5 month old defrosted dog shit.

And…why is it hairy? Who has hairy poo?

That’s a fucking blast to try to pick up off the lawn, by the way.

I’d have an easier time trying to not throw up at a Sarah Jessica Parker meet-n-greet.


6) Girls show up outside in shorts and skirts!

Unfortunately, for some reason girls are now completely happy being giant fat pieces of shit with bellybuttons that show through their shirts.

Now, instead of me lying about shit like:

“No, honey…I didn’t see her giant boobs hanging out of her tube top.”

I have to say shit like:

“ORCA!!”

For all you goddamn feminists and anti-Barbie broads who are all, like:

“Just be happy with who you are”

..and..

“You don’t have to be perfect to be pretty”

..screw you.

You’re ruining my fucking spring.


7) It’s time for the kids to play sports

Sports.

Thus marks the end of any and all free time for the wife and I.

Monday: karate class for Cam

Tuesday: Cam’s Tee-ball practice at 6 pm.

Wednesday: Payton’s soccer practice at 6 pm.

Thursday: Payton’s dance class at 6 pm.

Friday: kid’s karate sparring class at 6:30 pm.

Saturday: Cam’s Tee-ball game at 8:30 a.m.

8 fucking 30 A-fucking-M.

Jesus H. Christ.

Sunday: Payton’s soccer game at noon.

* rinse and repeat

Based on this schedule, I should be able to shower and/or shit sometime around June 1st.

That’s gonna be one big poop.


On the bright side, I get to open my pool in the spring.

It’s just going to be a bitch dodging the defrosted dog’s hairy stink shit-pudding to get to it.

Spring in New England.

Sucks my frozen miniature balls.

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