Blinding white…like the snow.

Let me explain.

My 8 year old daughter has been preparing for a school performance.

It was called:

African Dance

Preparing your child to take part in ‘African Dance’ entails the following:

1) Buying some really really OMG I’M BLIND!! bright fucking cloth

2) Cutting and somehow stitching said retina burning cloth into something resembling an African outfit that actually fits your kid

3) Listening to your child continually practice such timeless classics as:

a) “Ooonga da Boonga”
b) “Nik Nuk Be Eating My Flies”

c) “Mona luckahiki means hockey”

See #3?

The singing thing?

I heard those goddamn songs 24 x 7, my friends.

24. 7.


It was fucking magical.

Magical as in ‘God please strike me deaf‘…

…and not the ‘how the Hell did David Copperfield manage to bang Claudia Schiffer?!?!’ magical.


So, my wife went out and spent $20 on cloth that would hurt Ray Charles’ eyes.

I have no idea how many gay men’s wardrobes died to create colors this bright, but I’m sure it was a fucking slaughter.


Since neither my wife or I can sew…

(the closest thing I have to ‘working with needles’ is my constant masturbation)

…my daughter’s outfit was a conglomeration of spit, Velcro, duct tape and staples.

(just thinking now that I should probably add the doctor’s co-pay for removing the staples from her hips into the cost of the outfit)


Practiced and outfitted, we headed off to the school assembly.

Four third and fourth grade classes all sang and played the same songs.

This went on for two glorious head-pounding OH MY GOD IF I EVER GO TO GHANA I MAY SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FUCKING HEAD IF I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY LISTEN TO THIS SHIT hours.

Like I said:

Magical.

About halfway through, my mother in law looked over and said:

“Hey. There’s not one black person here.”

I look up.

No shit.

At the African Dance Assembly…

…the number of kids who may actually be of some type of African descent equaled zero.

Zilch.

Nada.

See. Of. White.

Welcome to New Hampshire.


In fact, even the two broads who taught all the kids this shit were two white lesbian chicks from Maine.

Teacher:We should get some authentic African dance instructors to teach the children.”

Principal: “I know two white dykes in Maine that should fit the bill nicely!”

What. The fuck.

And not the good type of lesbians.

The wrinkly, hippie, Maine-looking type of lesbians.

“Maine Lesbians: Hand carving our own dildos out of pine since 1962.”


Ugh.

Two ugly old white wrinkly lesbians with unshaven pits using hand carved pine Mr. Wigglies and doing tribal screams.

I’d rather listen to that goddamn singing again than picture that.

Actually.

Maybe not.

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Comments
  1. Christina_the_wench says:

    We have a multicultural fair every year at the college I slave for. And we are subject to the same hideous music. Try tribal music THEN Indian music THEN add some line dancing to the mix.

    That reminds me. I need more JD for my frig.

  2. Christina_the_wench says:

    We have a multicultural fair every year at the college I slave for. And we are subject to the same hideous music. Try tribal music THEN Indian music THEN add some line dancing to the mix.

    That reminds me. I need more JD for my frig.

  3. the iNDefatigable mjenks says:

    “Two ugly old white wrinkly lesbians with unshaven pits using hand carved pine Mr. Wigglies and doing tribal screams.”This makes up an abnormally large population in the Durham/Chapel Hill area. Throw in horse-faced, and you’ve covered pretty much a drive down Duke Street here in merry olde Durham.

  4. the iNDefatigable mjenks says:

    “Two ugly old white wrinkly lesbians with unshaven pits using hand carved pine Mr. Wigglies and doing tribal screams.”This makes up an abnormally large population in the Durham/Chapel Hill area. Throw in horse-faced, and you’ve covered pretty much a drive down Duke Street here in merry olde Durham.

  5. freetheunicorns says:

    I hold a mutli-cultural fair in home every night. I listen to Bob, smoke some reefer, then climb into bed with my wife (who is black).

  6. freetheunicorns says:

    I hold a mutli-cultural fair in home every night. I listen to Bob, smoke some reefer, then climb into bed with my wife (who is black).

  7. moooooog35 says:

    Christina: You realize that you said, um, ‘slave.’

    What kind of Indian music?

    Benny Lava Indian music?

    That would be fucking awesome.

    Mjenks: And you haven’t moved…why?

    Free: You listen to my sponge? Me too!

    Next year, maybe we can get your wife to teach this thing. She’s GOT to be better looking than these two shitwads.

  8. moooooog35 says:

    Christina: You realize that you said, um, ‘slave.’

    What kind of Indian music?

    Benny Lava Indian music?

    That would be fucking awesome.

    Mjenks: And you haven’t moved…why?

    Free: You listen to my sponge? Me too!

    Next year, maybe we can get your wife to teach this thing. She’s GOT to be better looking than these two shitwads.

  9. Christina_the_wench says:

    freetheunicorns is my idol now.

  10. Christina_the_wench says:

    freetheunicorns is my idol now.

  11. Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts says:

    OMG!!! This is hee-larry-us!! LOL I love this post.

  12. Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts says:

    OMG!!! This is hee-larry-us!! LOL I love this post.

  13. Kellie says:

    Ow ow ow!!! Va-jay-jay splinters!!! Va-jay-jay splinters!!! No freaking way!

  14. Kellie says:

    Ow ow ow!!! Va-jay-jay splinters!!! Va-jay-jay splinters!!! No freaking way!

  15. Mike says:

    You need to have the white kids do white kid stuff.

    Like, I dunno.

    Wear khaki’s and complain about stuff that other kids don’t have, like food and video games.

    Just saying.

  16. Mike says:

    You need to have the white kids do white kid stuff.

    Like, I dunno.

    Wear khaki’s and complain about stuff that other kids don’t have, like food and video games.

    Just saying.

  17. Lady Sarcasm says:

    I’d rather enjoy watching a bunch of whities pretending to be african. Sounds like great entertainment!

  18. Lady Sarcasm says:

    I’d rather enjoy watching a bunch of whities pretending to be african. Sounds like great entertainment!

  19. Deb says:

    OMG, the Maine lesbian thing is perfect! I live in coastal Maine. The handyman that was putting a new roof on my garage is a Maine-ah through and through. He told me he had to price a job “for a couple a faaaaaireees”. I hadn’t heard the term “fairy” since elementary school in the early ’70s! He went on and on about all the faaaaireeees he’s worked for over the years then told me “I got a couple giiirl friend fairies livin’ nex do-ah to me.” That’s the closest I came to peeing my pants in a long time, but he never cracked a smile.

  20. Deb says:

    OMG, the Maine lesbian thing is perfect! I live in coastal Maine. The handyman that was putting a new roof on my garage is a Maine-ah through and through. He told me he had to price a job “for a couple a faaaaaireees”. I hadn’t heard the term “fairy” since elementary school in the early ’70s! He went on and on about all the faaaaireeees he’s worked for over the years then told me “I got a couple giiirl friend fairies livin’ nex do-ah to me.” That’s the closest I came to peeing my pants in a long time, but he never cracked a smile.

  21. LiLu says:

    “Maine Lesbians: Hand carving our own dildos out of pine since 1962.”

    Don’t poacher my dreams! *Goes back to carving*

  22. LiLu says:

    “Maine Lesbians: Hand carving our own dildos out of pine since 1962.”

    Don’t poacher my dreams! *Goes back to carving*

  23. Chris says:

    Okay, first of all, Mona Wakaliki Means Hockey is Hawaiian, not African.

    Lesbian, Lebanon, close enough. Wait, is Lebanon in Africa? No, it’s the Middle East.

    Like I said, close enough.

  24. Chris says:

    Okay, first of all, Mona Wakaliki Means Hockey is Hawaiian, not African.

    Lesbian, Lebanon, close enough. Wait, is Lebanon in Africa? No, it’s the Middle East.

    Like I said, close enough.

  25. fiona says:

    I feel your pain darlin…
    I’m putting my kids on ebay, just a suggestion…

  26. fiona says:

    I feel your pain darlin…
    I’m putting my kids on ebay, just a suggestion…

  27. FawkesFire says:

    my Lord. I think I peed my pants just a tiny bit from laughing so hard. this has to be one of your best blogs ever.

  28. FawkesFire says:

    my Lord. I think I peed my pants just a tiny bit from laughing so hard. this has to be one of your best blogs ever.

  29. moooooog35 says:

    Christina: Why? For $25 you could crawl into bed with his wife, too.

    He may not have known this yet.

    Sorry, dude.

    Tee: Your low standards for humor continue to impress me.

    Kellie: They SAND them first…geez…it’s not like they’re amateurs at this.

    Mike: I have to buy my kids khakis?!?!

    Lday: Yes…it’s basically like watching an all-white wedding try to dance to Eminem.

    Deb: You have fairies in Maine?

    No wonder mjenks hasn’t moved yet.

    Tinkerbell is smoking.

    Lilu: I had no idea you could carve Sequoia.

    Chris: Wayne Gretzky is Hawaiian?!

    Fiona: If you put a ‘buy it now’ price, the kids will sell much quicker.

    Don’t ask me how I know that.

    Fawkes: There’s a lesbian in Maine who wants your piddle panties now.

  30. moooooog35 says:

    Christina: Why? For $25 you could crawl into bed with his wife, too.

    He may not have known this yet.

    Sorry, dude.

    Tee: Your low standards for humor continue to impress me.

    Kellie: They SAND them first…geez…it’s not like they’re amateurs at this.

    Mike: I have to buy my kids khakis?!?!

    Lday: Yes…it’s basically like watching an all-white wedding try to dance to Eminem.

    Deb: You have fairies in Maine?

    No wonder mjenks hasn’t moved yet.

    Tinkerbell is smoking.

    Lilu: I had no idea you could carve Sequoia.

    Chris: Wayne Gretzky is Hawaiian?!

    Fiona: If you put a ‘buy it now’ price, the kids will sell much quicker.

    Don’t ask me how I know that.

    Fawkes: There’s a lesbian in Maine who wants your piddle panties now.

  31. Malach the Merciless says:

    Your fault, the Bruins.

    As for no Blacks in New Hamphire . . Maine is worse.

  32. Malach the Merciless says:

    Your fault, the Bruins.

    As for no Blacks in New Hamphire . . Maine is worse.

  33. moooooog35 says:

    Malach: lalalalalalala the B’s game didn’t happen lalalalala I’m avoiding talking about it lalalalalala

  34. moooooog35 says:

    Malach: lalalalalalala the B’s game didn’t happen lalalalala I’m avoiding talking about it lalalalalala

  35. DouglasDyer says:

    Pine dildos is GENIUS! It’s like having a taxi air freshener down there. Yum-ee!

  36. DouglasDyer says:

    Pine dildos is GENIUS! It’s like having a taxi air freshener down there. Yum-ee!

  37. Becky..AMHW says:

    God, I want to attend Burning Man!

  38. Becky..AMHW says:

    God, I want to attend Burning Man!

  39. GeologyJoe says:

    living in Maine and working in Portland I can take a pretty good guess and say that the teachers were probably wearing Petruili oil to boot.

  40. GeologyJoe says:

    living in Maine and working in Portland I can take a pretty good guess and say that the teachers were probably wearing Petruili oil to boot.

  41. kathcom says:

    Your post had me pondering race relations, school curricula, lesbian aging, lots of big issues.

    But it all came to a screeching halt as I thought, “Wait, is that homeless person wearing a Snuggie???”

    Now, I’m back to drooling and soiling myself. Way to go.

  42. kathcom says:

    Your post had me pondering race relations, school curricula, lesbian aging, lots of big issues.

    But it all came to a screeching halt as I thought, “Wait, is that homeless person wearing a Snuggie???”

    Now, I’m back to drooling and soiling myself. Way to go.

  43. Sass says:

    I’m thinking pine is too soft.

    It’d need to be solid oak.

    From the petrified forest.

    Just sayin’.

  44. Sass says:

    I’m thinking pine is too soft.

    It’d need to be solid oak.

    From the petrified forest.

    Just sayin’.

  45. Sass says:

    That comment right there? The one above this one?

    It’s from me.

    That’s my alter ego.

    I wasn’t smart enough to name my alter ego something different.

    I’m a mental giant.

  46. Sass says:

    That comment right there? The one above this one?

    It’s from me.

    That’s my alter ego.

    I wasn’t smart enough to name my alter ego something different.

    I’m a mental giant.

  47. Bon Don says:

    I’m sorry I couldn’t finish reading, my eyes are still on shock from those colors!! šŸ™‚

  48. Bon Don says:

    I’m sorry I couldn’t finish reading, my eyes are still on shock from those colors!! šŸ™‚

  49. Olly says:

    If the kids practising their singing isn’t bad enough, just wait until they are a little older and bring home band instruments. The neighbours will start taking shots at your house….

  50. Olly says:

    If the kids practising their singing isn’t bad enough, just wait until they are a little older and bring home band instruments. The neighbours will start taking shots at your house….

  51. The Offended Blogger says:

    You and your homophobia. Someday there will be a vaccine for that and I hope they use a big needle.

    PS. You seem fond of pretty lesbians, though. Hypocrite!!

  52. The Offended Blogger says:

    You and your homophobia. Someday there will be a vaccine for that and I hope they use a big needle.

    PS. You seem fond of pretty lesbians, though. Hypocrite!!

  53. Ann's Rants says:

    Great title. Funny post. My personal favorite is the “Jumbo Bwana” track off of Putamayo Kids African World Music.

    That could double as a toy for the ladies…

  54. Ann's Rants says:

    Great title. Funny post. My personal favorite is the “Jumbo Bwana” track off of Putamayo Kids African World Music.

    That could double as a toy for the ladies…

  55. Mary@Holy Mackerel says:

    Well, I haven’t managed to laugh yet today because I’m sick. But you, sir, have succeeded. Thank you.

  56. Mary@Holy Mackerel says:

    Well, I haven’t managed to laugh yet today because I’m sick. But you, sir, have succeeded. Thank you.

  57. coffeypot says:

    Makes one wonder if a totally black school would put on a production of GREESE.

  58. coffeypot says:

    Makes one wonder if a totally black school would put on a production of GREESE.

  59. C.Rag says:

    Magicians are hot. They know how to use their wands.

  60. C.Rag says:

    Magicians are hot. They know how to use their wands.

  61. moooooog35 says:

    Douglas: Why am I not surprised that you like the smell of wood?

    Becky: Yes. What?

    Geo: What does this have to do with fuel prices? You people lose me.

    Kathcom: It’s probably the snuggie we got. It’s like wearing a dead bear.

    Sass and Sass Jr.: It’s like Freaky Friday but without any of the characters, plot or similarities, really.

    BonDon: Shock and awe, baby…shock and awe.

    Olly: My mother in law has already bestowed upon them guitars.

    That’s a real fucking treat, let me tell you.

    OB: As long as it doesn’t have a moustache, I’m fine with it. Or penis.

    Yep. Hypocrite.

    Tough shit. It’s how I roll.

    Ann’s Rants: Jumbo Bwana? You’re right…sounds like the top-o-the-line toy.

    How’s it working for ya?

    Mary: You’re welcome.

    Wipe your nose. It’s disgusting.

    Coffee: I was thinking more along the lines of ‘Holocaust.’

    C.Rag: YOU LIVE?!?!?

  62. moooooog35 says:

    Douglas: Why am I not surprised that you like the smell of wood?

    Becky: Yes. What?

    Geo: What does this have to do with fuel prices? You people lose me.

    Kathcom: It’s probably the snuggie we got. It’s like wearing a dead bear.

    Sass and Sass Jr.: It’s like Freaky Friday but without any of the characters, plot or similarities, really.

    BonDon: Shock and awe, baby…shock and awe.

    Olly: My mother in law has already bestowed upon them guitars.

    That’s a real fucking treat, let me tell you.

    OB: As long as it doesn’t have a moustache, I’m fine with it. Or penis.

    Yep. Hypocrite.

    Tough shit. It’s how I roll.

    Ann’s Rants: Jumbo Bwana? You’re right…sounds like the top-o-the-line toy.

    How’s it working for ya?

    Mary: You’re welcome.

    Wipe your nose. It’s disgusting.

    Coffee: I was thinking more along the lines of ‘Holocaust.’

    C.Rag: YOU LIVE?!?!?

  63. meleah rebeccah says:

    I cant even stop laughing at this sentence:

    “It was fucking magical.

    Magical as in ‘God please strike me deaf’…

    …and not the ‘how the Hell did David Copperfield manage to bang Claudia Schiffer?!?!’ magical.”

    AhAHHAhHhAhahahha

    *heads back to read the rest of this post*

  64. meleah rebeccah says:

    I cant even stop laughing at this sentence:

    “It was fucking magical.

    Magical as in ‘God please strike me deaf’…

    …and not the ‘how the Hell did David Copperfield manage to bang Claudia Schiffer?!?!’ magical.”

    AhAHHAhHhAhahahha

    *heads back to read the rest of this post*

  65. Smileygirl says:

    Your photo captions and random taglines are going to make me pee my pants one day. I’m doing kegels for this.

  66. Smileygirl says:

    Your photo captions and random taglines are going to make me pee my pants one day. I’m doing kegels for this.

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