My $145…Going…Going…GONE!!

Posted: May 4, 2009 in kids, parenting

The thrill of no victory! The agony of no defeat!

If Jim McKay was alive to see this shit, he’d be freaking right the fuck out.

Going all “plaid leisure suit” on your ass.

And you don’t want any part of that shit, trust me.


I signed my 5 year old son, Cam, for tee-ball.

We told Cam last year that we’d sign him up as soon as he made the age limit.

Last year, alas, he was too young.

****** SIDEBAR *******

Is the word ‘alas’ too highbrow for this blog?

Can you think of any other alternatives?

Maybe, like, “…but, son of brick shithouse, he was too young.”


****** END SIDEBAR ******

So, one $145 registration fee later, Cam was signed up for tee-ball.


That’s, like, 6 weeks of offerings at my church.

On a related note:

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

Regardless, the team he landed on?

Red Sox.

Fucking ay, that’s right!

Since we’re from New England (suck it, Yankees!), landing on the Red Sox was like the cherry on the proverbial stripper popping out of the giant cake with big, electronic vibrating toys and OH MY GOD SHE BROUGHT HER LESBIAN FRIEND!

I think that was supposed to be an ice cream reference, but…

…you know…

Welcome to my brain.

Regardless, he’s on the Red Sox and super pumped.

Knowing jack shit about tee-ball, I decide to go to the town’s website to see what it’s all about.

Let’s see here….

Little League….Babe Ruth….AH! Tee-ball!

Here’s what it says:


All players will bat (off a tee) each inning, and will reach base regardless of whether they are put out.

There are no strikeouts or walks.

The last player to hit in each inning will circle the bases, along with the runners on base.

No score is kept, and no playoffs are held.

Every participating child will receive a trophy at the end of the season.


* blink

* blink blink

No strikeouts?

No walks?

No fucking score?

No winners or losers?

Everyone gets a goddamn trophy?

Jesus H. Christ.

What the fuck did I just pay $145 for?

I’ll tell you what I paid $145 for.

I paid $145 for:

1) a $10 shirt and a $5 cap

2) the privilege of taking him to a practice once a week where, apparently, they won’t practice anything because it doesn’t matter what the fuck happens anyway because – ooh…ooh – everyone gets a trophy including that stupid shit who never brings a fucking glove and always runs the bases fucking backwards every time

3) the ability to get my ass up and out of bed on every Saturday fucking morning and drive him to the ballfield at 8 fucking 30 so I can watch him give no effort in order to not win or lose

Mother of God.

I could have put down four fucking magazines in my front yard and have him run around them a few times and then pat him on the head and give him a fucking lollipop and get the same goddamn effect.


Of course, he DID get a Red Sox cap.

So I guess there’s always that.

Oh yeah:
Yankees suck.

Like that’s news.


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