Getting Fixed…NOT

Posted: April 23, 2009 in karate, pain and suffering

Before I start, just a reminder of my poll on the left.

If you neglect it too long, it stops working.

I think I’m thinking of a different poll.

Right now, it’s a neck-in-neck tie with “i want pics of a lady who is doing her poo poo and isnt wearing any bra or panty” and “Angela Lansbury.”

I know. Creepy.

Back to the POST!!


It bends way to the right now.

Sometimes I can’t even blow it myself.

It got this way when I was roughhousing with some Canadian guy.

Well..he did all the roughhousing.

Luckily, the booze numbed the pain…

When the prick broke my nose.


LE Prick.

(that’s French for ‘fucking asshole‘)

The story of how my nose got this way in Canada can be found in one of my earliest posts, “Ow, Canada.”

Long story short, about 22 years ago the inside of my nose was involuntarily relocated 1/4 inch to the right.

Plastic surgeons charge you thousands and thousands of dollars for this type of surgery…

…when all you need is a shitload of Molson and a fucking big mouth.

On the bright side:

No Insurance Copays!


Beer+ rampant stupidity = involuntary rhinoplasty.

I haven’t been able to breathe right since.

This is evidenced by the bruises on my back and sides that remarkably resemble the soles of my wife’s feet.

I snore.

She beats me.

Since this is pretty much all the action I get, I let her do it.

Like my son’s teacher says:

You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.

On a related note:

I bury mental pain fairly well.

So, today – on April 23rd, 2009 I was supposed to go under the knife again.

Not for my shoulder.

Not for my balls.

There would be no need to shave my nuts unless they really really needed it.

Ball stubble is uncomfortable on my tender yet muscular thighs.


If I did it right, and if you listen closely, you can hear all the straight guys out there throwing up a little.

Good times. Good times.

So the doctor was supposed to be moving my mangled septum back to where it’s supposed to be…

…which, I assume, is somewhere in the middle.

I hear that this is really painful and will be for a while.


Now I just threw up a little.

Ugh. Pain.

That will pretty much suck ass.

However, I said ‘supposed’ to be today.

You see, a tiny little surgery I had a few weeks back – complete with fucking seizure – changed my mind on it.

That…plus…you know…all the pain and shit.

I’ve pushed it back until the summer sometime.

So, tonight, honey…I’m gonna be in full-bore-snore mode.

Until after the surgery.

Maybe after this I’ll be able to wake up in the morning without size 6 welts on my back.


I’m gonna miss the physical contact.

Moog out.

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