This is a way late Easter post.

My blog. My rules.

Don’t like it?

Well – there’s the door.

(since I have no idea where your fucking door actually is, please turn and look at a door to get the full effect)

For the rest of you:

All ladies must remove their clothing.

My rules, remember?

Will you PLEASE stop friggin’ arguing with me?!

Hey.

Are those real?

I’ve digressed.


So, I mentioned that my wife and I took the kids to the beach the weekend before Easter.

After God decided it would be fun to toy with my kid’s fragile emotions by forcefully destroying both of their fucking kites, we hit the arcade.

God: Destroying Magical Childhood Innocence via 30 mph Wind Gusts since 2009

In the arcade, my son found the game, “Rampage.”

In this game, you play the role of a woman with her period who is out of chocolate.

Sorry.

Wrong rampage.


In this game, you play the role of a monster who completely destroys cities, wreaks havoc and kills people.

Actually…now that I’m rereading this…

…the other type of rampage isn’t all that much different.

Seriously…throw in some missing chocolate and you’ve friggin’ nailed it.

Regardless, my son loved the game so much, the Easter Bunny decided to give him the Wii version of it.

The Easter Bunny buys the used version of games so he can save some Easter money.

Ham is expensive.


In the game, you have to destroy civilization.

To gain health, you must eat people fleeing for their lives.

When you die, you turn into a tiny naked man.

On a related note:

Jesus wept.

But my son?

He. Was. Pumped.

So, most of Easter was spent with my son playing ‘Rampage.

Cam: “DID ANYONE SEE MY FUCKING CHOCOLATE?! I HAD CHOCOLATE RIGHT HERE! I am seriously considering killing someone.”

Wrong ‘rampage’ again.

Never give your son estrogen.


The break he took was when he had to call my mother to wish her Happy Easter.

Cam: “Hi memere! I got Rampage. I go around and I destroy buildings and throw cars and eat all the people and when I get killed I turn into a naked man.”

* cricket

Cam: “Oh. Happy Easter!”

Oh.

Happy Easter.

Because nothing says ‘Celebrate the Glorious Resurrection of your Lord’ like eating people and throwing cars and destroying shit and then turning into a naked man.


Of course, I agree.

I can do this, of course.

My blog. My rules.

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Comments
  1. Mike says:

    Rampage is an old game.

    Really old.

    Like, I wasn’t much older than your son when I played it for the first time.

    I hope they’ve updated the graphics in 20 years.

    Although, I still have just as much fun playing it today. Except now we play it drunk and spend more time beating on each other than the buildings.

    Fuck the rules.

  2. Malicious Intent says:

    OBVIOUSLY you are either
    a. not taking the meds
    b. not taking the meds as perscribed
    c. selling the meds for crack.

  3. Mike says:

    Rampage is an old game.

    Really old.

    Like, I wasn’t much older than your son when I played it for the first time.

    I hope they’ve updated the graphics in 20 years.

    Although, I still have just as much fun playing it today. Except now we play it drunk and spend more time beating on each other than the buildings.

    Fuck the rules.

  4. Malicious Intent says:

    OBVIOUSLY you are either
    a. not taking the meds
    b. not taking the meds as perscribed
    c. selling the meds for crack.

  5. Christina_the_wench says:

    Crack? *perk* Huh?

  6. Christina_the_wench says:

    Crack? *perk* Huh?

  7. Chris Wood says:

    Sounds like you had a truly pious Easter. Well done!

  8. Chris Wood says:

    Sounds like you had a truly pious Easter. Well done!

  9. Mary@Holy Mackerel says:

    Rules schmules.

    And just so you know, I’ve been PMSing for the past 4.58 years…and I guess that’s why my husband brought me home some chocolate last night, and then ran away.

  10. Mary@Holy Mackerel says:

    Rules schmules.

    And just so you know, I’ve been PMSing for the past 4.58 years…and I guess that’s why my husband brought me home some chocolate last night, and then ran away.

  11. the iNDefatigable mjenks says:

    Jesus would weep if you didn’t eat a mime.

  12. the iNDefatigable mjenks says:

    Jesus would weep if you didn’t eat a mime.

  13. moooooog35 says:

    Mike: No shit. I was surprised to see it (a) in the arcade in working condition and (b) made for the friggin’ Wii.

    Of course, I was about 20 when it came out first.

    You suck.

    MI: What…no ‘all of the above?’ You disappoint me yet again.

    Christina: Just humor her. She’s older than me.

    Chris: You can’t just throw words like ‘pious’ around and expect me to respond.

    …without explaining what it means.

    I’m too tired for Wikipedia right now.

    Mary: You sound happy.

    Mjenks: You, fine sir, are genius.

    When I say, ‘genius’, I mean ‘a freak.’

    Welcome to the club.

  14. moooooog35 says:

    Mike: No shit. I was surprised to see it (a) in the arcade in working condition and (b) made for the friggin’ Wii.

    Of course, I was about 20 when it came out first.

    You suck.

    MI: What…no ‘all of the above?’ You disappoint me yet again.

    Christina: Just humor her. She’s older than me.

    Chris: You can’t just throw words like ‘pious’ around and expect me to respond.

    …without explaining what it means.

    I’m too tired for Wikipedia right now.

    Mary: You sound happy.

    Mjenks: You, fine sir, are genius.

    When I say, ‘genius’, I mean ‘a freak.’

    Welcome to the club.

  15. Cindee says:

    “anal beads”?!?!?!?!?! anal beads?!?!?! MUST you defile the Easter Bunny like that?

  16. Cindee says:

    “anal beads”?!?!?!?!?! anal beads?!?!?! MUST you defile the Easter Bunny like that?

  17. freetheunicorns says:

    That’s how rock out on Easter. And Jesus ain’t crying, he’s dancing a jig.

  18. freetheunicorns says:

    That’s how rock out on Easter. And Jesus ain’t crying, he’s dancing a jig.

  19. kathcom says:

    You just blew my mind. You had me at the chewed bunny head. How you worked in cleavage, Jesus and men’s room sex is beyond me. Genius, man, genius.

  20. kathcom says:

    You just blew my mind. You had me at the chewed bunny head. How you worked in cleavage, Jesus and men’s room sex is beyond me. Genius, man, genius.

  21. LiLu says:

    I moved Easter to Saturday because it was more convenient and got wasted with the gays.

    At least it was red wine.

  22. LiLu says:

    I moved Easter to Saturday because it was more convenient and got wasted with the gays.

    At least it was red wine.

  23. Don says:

    Fuck, whatcha trippin’ on bro’? Damn pass me some shit too! Let’s play Rampage together…

  24. Don says:

    Fuck, whatcha trippin’ on bro’? Damn pass me some shit too! Let’s play Rampage together…

  25. Becky..AMHW says:

    I got naked and now I can’t find my last Cadbury Creme Egg.

    My kids have NO CLUE that I buy them used games and DVDs. I am not paying full price for those because they’ll destroy them soon enough or they are bored with them in a matter of moments.

  26. Becky..AMHW says:

    I got naked and now I can’t find my last Cadbury Creme Egg.

    My kids have NO CLUE that I buy them used games and DVDs. I am not paying full price for those because they’ll destroy them soon enough or they are bored with them in a matter of moments.

  27. repliderium.com says:

    I’m happy that the easter bunny has secured a secondary income source. Are his front teeth false though? I’m just wondering about possible blowjob liability.

  28. repliderium.com says:

    I’m happy that the easter bunny has secured a secondary income source. Are his front teeth false though? I’m just wondering about possible blowjob liability.

  29. fiona says:

    *All ladies must remove their clothing.*

    So,I’m sitting here naked beginning to feel a wee bit fuckin STUPID!

  30. fiona says:

    *All ladies must remove their clothing.*

    So,I’m sitting here naked beginning to feel a wee bit fuckin STUPID!

  31. Me-Me King says:

    I removed my clothing as instructed. My dog laughed and then left the room. Great, so much for unconditional love.

  32. Me-Me King says:

    I removed my clothing as instructed. My dog laughed and then left the room. Great, so much for unconditional love.

  33. Dr Zibbs says:

    Oversized anal beads.

    Good one.

  34. Dr Zibbs says:

    Oversized anal beads.

    Good one.

  35. Blonde Goddess says:

    I took my clothes off too.
    I have to go out and pick my kids up from school soon.

    Can I get dressed now?

  36. Blonde Goddess says:

    I took my clothes off too.
    I have to go out and pick my kids up from school soon.

    Can I get dressed now?

  37. moooooog35 says:

    Cindee: It’s like you people don’t even know me at all.

    Free: Amen, brother.

    Probably the wrong term to use, there.

    kathcom: wiser words have never been spoken. And that includes shit Elvis sang.

    LiLu: Gays don’t work on Saturdays?

    I’m lost.

    Don: Nice. I play Armadillo guy!

    Becky: If the egg vibrates, I have a pretty good idea where you left it.

    Repli…: Good point. I wonder if he supplies his own antibiotics.

    Fiona: me too. And I’m working.

    me-me: your dog laughs?!?!

    You’ll make millions!!

    Zibbs: Call ’em like I see ’em.

    Welcome to my head.

    BG: Like today is different than any other day with you?

  38. moooooog35 says:

    Cindee: It’s like you people don’t even know me at all.

    Free: Amen, brother.

    Probably the wrong term to use, there.

    kathcom: wiser words have never been spoken. And that includes shit Elvis sang.

    LiLu: Gays don’t work on Saturdays?

    I’m lost.

    Don: Nice. I play Armadillo guy!

    Becky: If the egg vibrates, I have a pretty good idea where you left it.

    Repli…: Good point. I wonder if he supplies his own antibiotics.

    Fiona: me too. And I’m working.

    me-me: your dog laughs?!?!

    You’ll make millions!!

    Zibbs: Call ’em like I see ’em.

    Welcome to my head.

    BG: Like today is different than any other day with you?

  39. C.B. Jones says:

    When given the choice, I always choose classic games like Rampage and Galaga over holidays that don’t make sense like Easter.

    How many kids grow up thinking rabbits lay eggs?

  40. C.B. Jones says:

    When given the choice, I always choose classic games like Rampage and Galaga over holidays that don’t make sense like Easter.

    How many kids grow up thinking rabbits lay eggs?

  41. Bon Don says:

    Ok my question is… can I get dressed now?

  42. Bon Don says:

    Ok my question is… can I get dressed now?

  43. Loni's World says:

    LMAO
    PMS = Rampage = Perfect!
    You nailed it, those guys that created it probably heard the wrath of their PMSing mom way too many times. Hey at least someone is making money off of it.

    I think you have a great “Adult” Game, the pmsing mom OMG so many people would buy that! Just give her chocolate to calm her down if not she goes ape shit LOL.

  44. Loni's World says:

    LMAO
    PMS = Rampage = Perfect!
    You nailed it, those guys that created it probably heard the wrath of their PMSing mom way too many times. Hey at least someone is making money off of it.

    I think you have a great “Adult” Game, the pmsing mom OMG so many people would buy that! Just give her chocolate to calm her down if not she goes ape shit LOL.

  45. Olly says:

    Ok, I got naked. Those Jehovah’s were sure surprised a few minutes ago when I opened the door!

    Childhood Easter memories for me are of sitting in church trying with all my might not to puke up the entire Easter bunny I scarfed for breakfast!

  46. Olly says:

    Ok, I got naked. Those Jehovah’s were sure surprised a few minutes ago when I opened the door!

    Childhood Easter memories for me are of sitting in church trying with all my might not to puke up the entire Easter bunny I scarfed for breakfast!

  47. Kellie says:

    I didn’t know they still had Rampage. Awesome. Is it still fun? I’m going to look for it this weekend.

  48. Kellie says:

    I didn’t know they still had Rampage. Awesome. Is it still fun? I’m going to look for it this weekend.

  49. Hindleyite says:

    D’ya think rabbits play Wii? I’d have thought they’d be more into Xbox or something. I’m gonna have to see if there are any related scientific studies.

  50. Hindleyite says:

    D’ya think rabbits play Wii? I’d have thought they’d be more into Xbox or something. I’m gonna have to see if there are any related scientific studies.

  51. LBluca77 says:

    Oh please, like any woman would read your blog with their clothes on. That’s just crazy talk.

  52. LBluca77 says:

    Oh please, like any woman would read your blog with their clothes on. That’s just crazy talk.

  53. coffeypot says:

    Boy is God laying in wait for you, bud. Making fun of his son and video games. I hope you have some asbestos underwear.

  54. coffeypot says:

    Boy is God laying in wait for you, bud. Making fun of his son and video games. I hope you have some asbestos underwear.

  55. BDC says:

    The question is. Can i take my clothes off and play some fucken RAMPAGE? next thing you know your gonna tell your son it’s ok to drink and drive as long as his sun visors are down…..and he don’t drink at intersections.

  56. BDC says:

    The question is. Can i take my clothes off and play some fucken RAMPAGE? next thing you know your gonna tell your son it’s ok to drink and drive as long as his sun visors are down…..and he don’t drink at intersections.

  57. Malach the Merciless says:

    I spent moola quarters on that game in the late 80’s

  58. Malach the Merciless says:

    I spent moola quarters on that game in the late 80’s

  59. meleah rebeccah says:

    I think you need to get a Paten STAT on your idea of a video game involving a PMS-ing woman, chocolate and weapons. For real, I would SO play that game.

  60. meleah rebeccah says:

    I think you need to get a Paten STAT on your idea of a video game involving a PMS-ing woman, chocolate and weapons. For real, I would SO play that game.

  61. ClaireMontgomeryMD says:

    and the people said . . . amen!

  62. ClaireMontgomeryMD says:

    and the people said . . . amen!

  63. moooooog35 says:

    CB: Rabbits don’t lay eggs?!?!?

    Bon Don: i did not say ‘simon says,’ so…no.

    Cold yet?

    Loni: I’m selling this to the makers of “Leisure Suit Larry.” We’ll call it, “Rampaging Rita.”

    Olly: your Easter sounds magical.

    Kellie: it IS fun. Especially if you’re 5. Or have that maturity level.

    * raising hand

    Hindley: Um…of course they use Wii. An XBox is too big to fit in the warren.

    Duh.

    Lbluca: I know. I even write it naked.

    Great. Here comes HR.

    Coffee: If he doesn’t know I’m joking by now, then I’ve made my bed years ago.

    BDC: Please. Leave. Clothes. On.

    Thanks in advance.

    Malach: If you go to Salisbury, then, you can relive your childhood.

    Except for the creepy uncle touching part.

    Meleah: I’m totally doing this once I figure out what a paten is.

    Claire: Gadzhunteit.

  64. moooooog35 says:

    CB: Rabbits don’t lay eggs?!?!?

    Bon Don: i did not say ‘simon says,’ so…no.

    Cold yet?

    Loni: I’m selling this to the makers of “Leisure Suit Larry.” We’ll call it, “Rampaging Rita.”

    Olly: your Easter sounds magical.

    Kellie: it IS fun. Especially if you’re 5. Or have that maturity level.

    * raising hand

    Hindley: Um…of course they use Wii. An XBox is too big to fit in the warren.

    Duh.

    Lbluca: I know. I even write it naked.

    Great. Here comes HR.

    Coffee: If he doesn’t know I’m joking by now, then I’ve made my bed years ago.

    BDC: Please. Leave. Clothes. On.

    Thanks in advance.

    Malach: If you go to Salisbury, then, you can relive your childhood.

    Except for the creepy uncle touching part.

    Meleah: I’m totally doing this once I figure out what a paten is.

    Claire: Gadzhunteit.

  65. Fawkes says:

    Have you ever played a game called “Black and White”? it’s a PC game…seems like it’s something you’d enjoy. You play God. yes, you actually get to play a god. You get your very own little minions and a creature. and you can choose to be either good or evil….evil is much more fun. anyhow…you can still get it in most stores..Best Buy should have it. was released in 2001 and its got a sequel. have a go, I think you’ll enjoy it!

  66. Fawkes says:

    Have you ever played a game called “Black and White”? it’s a PC game…seems like it’s something you’d enjoy. You play God. yes, you actually get to play a god. You get your very own little minions and a creature. and you can choose to be either good or evil….evil is much more fun. anyhow…you can still get it in most stores..Best Buy should have it. was released in 2001 and its got a sequel. have a go, I think you’ll enjoy it!

  67. saratogajean says:

    Have you ever played “Rabid Rabbits?” Holy shit that game is awesome.

    Kind of rampage-y.

  68. saratogajean says:

    Have you ever played “Rabid Rabbits?” Holy shit that game is awesome.

    Kind of rampage-y.

  69. Kristi says:

    Rampage? PMS?

    Walter says it best…”She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over!”

  70. Kristi says:

    Rampage? PMS?

    Walter says it best…”She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over!”

  71. Malicious Intent says:

    I just got hard nipples knowing I disappointed you…again. Ahhhhhh.

  72. Malicious Intent says:

    I just got hard nipples knowing I disappointed you…again. Ahhhhhh.

  73. Kristi says:

    Malicious…..

    Ahhh…a gal after my own heart!

    Blog invite, please!

  74. Kristi says:

    Malicious…..

    Ahhh…a gal after my own heart!

    Blog invite, please!

  75. SSQuo says:

    This is hilarious! πŸ™‚

  76. SSQuo says:

    This is hilarious! πŸ™‚

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