Happy Belated Easter – I’m Dead AND Naked!

Posted: April 22, 2009 in easter, holidays, kids


This is a way late Easter post.

My blog. My rules.

Don’t like it?

Well – there’s the door.

(since I have no idea where your fucking door actually is, please turn and look at a door to get the full effect)

For the rest of you:

All ladies must remove their clothing.

My rules, remember?

Will you PLEASE stop friggin’ arguing with me?!

Hey.

Are those real?

I’ve digressed.


So, I mentioned that my wife and I took the kids to the beach the weekend before Easter.

After God decided it would be fun to toy with my kid’s fragile emotions by forcefully destroying both of their fucking kites, we hit the arcade.

God: Destroying Magical Childhood Innocence via 30 mph Wind Gusts since 2009

In the arcade, my son found the game, “Rampage.”

In this game, you play the role of a woman with her period who is out of chocolate.

Sorry.

Wrong rampage.


In this game, you play the role of a monster who completely destroys cities, wreaks havoc and kills people.

Actually…now that I’m rereading this…

…the other type of rampage isn’t all that much different.

Seriously…throw in some missing chocolate and you’ve friggin’ nailed it.

Regardless, my son loved the game so much, the Easter Bunny decided to give him the Wii version of it.

The Easter Bunny buys the used version of games so he can save some Easter money.

Ham is expensive.


In the game, you have to destroy civilization.

To gain health, you must eat people fleeing for their lives.

When you die, you turn into a tiny naked man.

On a related note:

Jesus wept.

But my son?

He. Was. Pumped.

So, most of Easter was spent with my son playing ‘Rampage.

Cam: “DID ANYONE SEE MY FUCKING CHOCOLATE?! I HAD CHOCOLATE RIGHT HERE! I am seriously considering killing someone.”

Wrong ‘rampage’ again.

Never give your son estrogen.


The break he took was when he had to call my mother to wish her Happy Easter.

Cam: “Hi memere! I got Rampage. I go around and I destroy buildings and throw cars and eat all the people and when I get killed I turn into a naked man.”

* cricket

Cam: “Oh. Happy Easter!”

Oh.

Happy Easter.

Because nothing says ‘Celebrate the Glorious Resurrection of your Lord’ like eating people and throwing cars and destroying shit and then turning into a naked man.


Of course, I agree.

I can do this, of course.

My blog. My rules.

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