I Think I’m Growing Mushrooms

Posted: April 15, 2009 in karate, pain and suffering


“Can you straighten it?” asked the doctor?

* blink

Me: “Doc, I haven’t been able to straighten it without pills for, like, two years.”

Stupid penis.

Doc: “Um…I mean your finger. Can you straighten your finger.”

Oh.

I was wondering why an orthopedic surgeon was asking about Mr. Wiggly.

I was hoping maybe he could shim it straight up or some shit. Maybe tape a popsicle stick to it.

Shit, now that I think of it…

…I can do THAT without having to put out a copay.

The hunt for an answer continues!!

I believe I’ve digressed.


So I went back to the orthopedist after having surgery three weeks ago and having a cast on my arm up to my elbow.

Here’s what my arm has looked like for the past three weeks:


Yep.

So, for three weeks I’ve basically had no opposable thumbs (just like Rosie O’Donnell) and got out of doing things like:

1) Dishes
2) Yard work
3) Anything requiring lifting

Sshhhhh…if you listen closely…

…you can hear the sound of every guy reading this is smashing his hand with a hammer.


However…it wasn’t all XBox and Roses.

I also:

1) Couldn’t get the stupid cast wet in the shower

This required the use of some weird elephant-latex-condom-thingy that I had to pull over my cast so the stupid fucking thing wouldn’t get wet.

I can see why elephants get all the ladies.


2) Had to shave my balls with one hand

Good. God.

For all you guys manscaping out there:

Don’t try this at home.

Since guys have it a little rougher when it comes to the nether-region grooming department…

…I expect at least SOME sympathy from the chicks out there.

Seriously – what do YOU ladies have to dodge when your shaving down there?

And, sister, if you DO have to dodge something, let me say this:

Whore.

That shit ain’t supposed to be hanging out, woman.

It just ain’t.

It should more resemble the Bonneville Salt Flats but without all the cracks and racing cars.

And…um…salt.


But guys have to move shit around…

…lift things up…pull it to the left…yank it to the right.

It’s like doing cardio but with stubble.

So, not ONLY do I not have the luxury of being able to move my junk out of the way…

…but I also can’t do it in the shower because of my stupid elephant penis cast cover.

Yep.

Dry Ball Shaving.

(coming to the 2010 Summer Olympics)

Put the hammers down, guys.

Put the hammers down.


With all that said, I went to the doctor’s to have my cast and stitches removed.

As the nurse cut the cast off, you could actually see green gases coming out from it…

…as 3 weeks of un-showered dead-skin Moooooog arm lay underneath.

I could have shit my pants right then and there and no one would have noticed.

Except me. I probably would have.

Shit being in my pants, and all.

Here’s what greeted me:


Hot.

Not sure when my dead grandfather came and replaced his forearm and hand with mine, but I wish he would have at least left a note and maybe some money.

Hey…grandpa…

Those $2 bills you gave me for Christmas all those years really didn’t go up in value like you thought.

So, realistically, you gave me, like, maybe $14 for Christmas in total.

Un-fucking-believable.


So I’m sitting here now, with a semi-mobile pinky finger trying painfully to bend it.

Right now, I can make it bend maybe 1/2 way to my palm before it stops and I give up while whimpering like the producer of a Richard Simmons exercise video.

On the bright side, I’ll be shaving my balls tonight with two hands.

Oh.

And doing dishes and maybe some yard work.

Hey. Buddy.

Pass me that hammer.

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