Dear Moog: I Want To Fondle Your McNuggets

Posted: April 13, 2009 in Dear Moog, most men have a quarter pounder but I only have a dollar menu burger, this mayo tastes funny


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where I’m seriously getting tired of you whiny little bitches.

I mean..um..

Where you can count on sound advice!

Phew.

Dodged a bullet there.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

First, let me say that the following letter is somewhat pornographic in nature.

HOORAY FOR ME!

Sorry. I like boobies.

But, it was a little TOO dirty…even for me.

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

Because of this, I’ve done the following:

1) Replaced all the dirty words and phrases with McDonald’s terms

2) Masturbated after I read it

Not in that particular order.

Actually…

Exactly in that order.

I REALLY like McDonald’s.


The words/phrases I’ve replaced in the letter are in red bold italics. Just so you know.

I had to say that because some of you are fucking stupid.

You know who you are.

************************

Today’s letter comes from Desperate Nympho.”

Here’s the retouched letter that Desperate Nympho wrote:

Dear Moog,

Love your Mental Poo blog, keeps me laughing. And cringing. But anyway.

My problem is… I think I like having Quarter Pounders jammed constantly in my Filet-O-Fish and my boyfriend can’t handle it.

I’m addicted to having Super-Sized fries stuffed into my Egg McMuffin and I love to suck on triple thick vanilla milkshakes.

Yummy.

Oh and I want a Happy Meal with a woman as well.

How do I handle this and how will I be satisfied?

Regards,

Desperate Nympho

*****************

* cricket

* cricket

Woops. Sorry.

Masturbating.

OK!

Back to the reply.

I first emailed ‘Desperate Nympho’ back immediately.

Not JUST to say, “how you doin’?”

…but because of this:


Yeah.

It was from someone named “Thomas.”

What. The. Fuck.

I just beat off.

Am I gay? Am I gay again?

I mean…um…‘now.’ Am I gay now?

I don’t look good in pastels!!!


(that picture never gets old)

After receiving confirmation that this was, indeed, a woman NOT named ‘Thomas’

(You may get me to stop trying on feather boas immediately…but am TOTALLY keeping these pumps)

..I felt okay to continue masturbating.

I mean..‘answering the letter.’

*************

Dear Nympho,

It sounds to me that if your boyfriend can’t keep up with your fast food binging, then you should probably look at eating at some other restaurant.

Did I mention that I used to cook?

Sorry. Sorry.

(I used to cook. Call me.)

Listen, any man wants two things:

1) A woman who constantly wants to suck on his milkshake

2) The possibility that she’ll share your milkshake with her hot friend, or – really – any other broad.

That’s right. Two straws at a time.


Don’t worry, Thomas…there a plenty of guys out there who can and will deal with the constant fondling of their Big Mac.

You just have to find him.

Hint: LOOK. FUCKING. ANYWHERE.

So, apparently aside from your friggin’ boyfriend, I think that pretty much covers the rest of us.

If your boyfriend can’t handle that, then I’m sorry to tell you that there’s a distinct possibility that he plays for the other team.

That’s right.

Vegetarians.

He would rather toss another guy’s McSalad than partake in your Hot Apple Pie.

They disgrace us all.

Special sauce, anyone?

I’ve reread this letter and am working up a batch right now.

Ronald McDonald…you’re a dirty little whore.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.

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Comments
  1. Coolred38 says:

    Well personally I prefer the Quarter Pounder to a Hot Apple Pie…but then again…pies good every now and then!!! but I must confess…its been quite awhile since Ive had a thick milkshake…poor me.

    lol on the going down on the clown pic.

  2. Coolred38 says:

    Well personally I prefer the Quarter Pounder to a Hot Apple Pie…but then again…pies good every now and then!!! but I must confess…its been quite awhile since Ive had a thick milkshake…poor me.

    lol on the going down on the clown pic.

  3. Christina_the_wench says:

    Everyone loves a little fast food now and then, but a sit down restaurant is always best. You know it’s true.

  4. Christina_the_wench says:

    Everyone loves a little fast food now and then, but a sit down restaurant is always best. You know it’s true.

  5. Don says:

    Oh man! Burger King = Whopper! Besides that creepy, homo, son-of-a-bitchin’ king would suck Ronald’s balls dry in a second…

  6. Don says:

    Oh man! Burger King = Whopper! Besides that creepy, homo, son-of-a-bitchin’ king would suck Ronald’s balls dry in a second…

  7. justjp says:

    I will never order from Crack-Donald’s the same way again. Had I known you can get 2 4 1 on the milkshake, I would have been on this years ago!

  8. justjp says:

    I will never order from Crack-Donald’s the same way again. Had I known you can get 2 4 1 on the milkshake, I would have been on this years ago!

  9. the iNDefatigable mjenks says:

    I got down to “Happy Meal” and had to go rub one out.

    Did I miss anything?

  10. the iNDefatigable mjenks says:

    I got down to “Happy Meal” and had to go rub one out.

    Did I miss anything?

  11. Mike says:

    Maybe she should try to eat at an all you can eat buffet type restaurant.

    More food for the same price.

    Just saying.

  12. Mike says:

    Maybe she should try to eat at an all you can eat buffet type restaurant.

    More food for the same price.

    Just saying.

  13. fiona says:

    I only do Big Kids Meals…the toys are better 😉

  14. fiona says:

    I only do Big Kids Meals…the toys are better 😉

  15. Lucky13 says:

    I prefer Burger King, where I can “have it my way”. The double croissan’wich with ham, bacon, egg and cheese. If you know what I’m sayin. Actually.. I don’t even know what I’m sayin.

  16. Lucky13 says:

    I prefer Burger King, where I can “have it my way”. The double croissan’wich with ham, bacon, egg and cheese. If you know what I’m sayin. Actually.. I don’t even know what I’m sayin.

  17. Becky..AMHW says:

    Grimace looks like a McButtplug.

  18. Becky..AMHW says:

    Grimace looks like a McButtplug.

  19. coffeypot says:

    Recon she would be interested in a Whopper – with extra mayonnaises?

  20. coffeypot says:

    Recon she would be interested in a Whopper – with extra mayonnaises?

  21. Blonde Goddess says:

    I thought for sure you’d make a reference to chicken nuggets but thankfully you didn’t.

  22. Blonde Goddess says:

    I thought for sure you’d make a reference to chicken nuggets but thankfully you didn’t.

  23. moooooog35 says:

    Coolred: Don’t worry, my milkshake is kind of thin and runny.

    Wait. What?

    Christina: My problem is that I’m done before the waitress even shows up to give our drinks.

    Don: Whopper with cheese. With cheese.

    I’ve lost myself in the analogy.

    justjp: just don’t order the granola thingy…hurts like hell going in.

    mjenks: I’ve read it twice myself and can’t get past that part, either.

    Weird.

    Mike: Like a Chinese buffet? She’ll be back in an hour looking for more.

    Fiona: I suppose that explains your vibrating Combo #5.

    Lucky13: No. No one knows what you’re saying.

    Welcome to my world!

    Becky: I guess that explains his Grimace.

    Coffee: * putting my hand down offering Whopper Jr.

    BG: No. But thank you for doing it for me.

  24. moooooog35 says:

    Coolred: Don’t worry, my milkshake is kind of thin and runny.

    Wait. What?

    Christina: My problem is that I’m done before the waitress even shows up to give our drinks.

    Don: Whopper with cheese. With cheese.

    I’ve lost myself in the analogy.

    justjp: just don’t order the granola thingy…hurts like hell going in.

    mjenks: I’ve read it twice myself and can’t get past that part, either.

    Weird.

    Mike: Like a Chinese buffet? She’ll be back in an hour looking for more.

    Fiona: I suppose that explains your vibrating Combo #5.

    Lucky13: No. No one knows what you’re saying.

    Welcome to my world!

    Becky: I guess that explains his Grimace.

    Coffee: * putting my hand down offering Whopper Jr.

    BG: No. But thank you for doing it for me.

  25. Kellie says:

    You should sing “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yards”. Oh wait, that doesn’t work the right way. 🙂

    And agreed, he’s definitely a vegetarian. Hey batter batter!!! Oh wait, that guys cheering for the other team!

  26. Kellie says:

    You should sing “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yards”. Oh wait, that doesn’t work the right way. 🙂

    And agreed, he’s definitely a vegetarian. Hey batter batter!!! Oh wait, that guys cheering for the other team!

  27. Narm says:

    damnit, Moooooog. Quit emailing my girlfriend.

  28. Narm says:

    damnit, Moooooog. Quit emailing my girlfriend.

  29. LiLu says:

    That picture SO doesn’t get old, I kind of want to print it out and put it on my bulletin board at work. Yanno, so he’s always watching over me. Like God, but with better hair.

  30. LiLu says:

    That picture SO doesn’t get old, I kind of want to print it out and put it on my bulletin board at work. Yanno, so he’s always watching over me. Like God, but with better hair.

  31. rs27 says:

    Two girls, one straw.

    Start that site.

  32. rs27 says:

    Two girls, one straw.

    Start that site.

  33. C.B. Jones says:

    I burned the roof of my mouth tasting hot apple pie the other day. She lied about not being fresh out the oven.

  34. C.B. Jones says:

    I burned the roof of my mouth tasting hot apple pie the other day. She lied about not being fresh out the oven.

  35. Malach the Merciless says:

    Fake letter, I can tell

  36. Malach the Merciless says:

    Fake letter, I can tell

  37. Bon Don says:

    Right now I have two fingers in a warm apple pie because they were all out of milkshakes.

  38. Bon Don says:

    Right now I have two fingers in a warm apple pie because they were all out of milkshakes.

  39. moooooog35 says:

    Kellie: Is that like the Filet-O-Fish song? Because I don’t want a milkshake song stuck in my head all day.

    Narm: She mailed ME. Maybe you should have a talk with her.

    By ‘talk’ I mean ‘beating.’

    Not that I condone that.

    LiLu: The Eric Estrada pic may be one of the best of all time. I have to agree.

    rs27: It’s already registered. Looks like you’re the owner.

    CB: I’m so lost I can’t even begin to tell you.

    Malach: You’d be a genius if you weren’t so stupid.

    No offense.

    Real letter. I don’t do fakes.

    Unless they’re boobs.

    Bon: If you’re not talking about actual food, that’s a great comment.

    Otherwise, I’m totally confused.

  40. moooooog35 says:

    Kellie: Is that like the Filet-O-Fish song? Because I don’t want a milkshake song stuck in my head all day.

    Narm: She mailed ME. Maybe you should have a talk with her.

    By ‘talk’ I mean ‘beating.’

    Not that I condone that.

    LiLu: The Eric Estrada pic may be one of the best of all time. I have to agree.

    rs27: It’s already registered. Looks like you’re the owner.

    CB: I’m so lost I can’t even begin to tell you.

    Malach: You’d be a genius if you weren’t so stupid.

    No offense.

    Real letter. I don’t do fakes.

    Unless they’re boobs.

    Bon: If you’re not talking about actual food, that’s a great comment.

    Otherwise, I’m totally confused.

  41. Malicious Intent says:

    I seriously was considering grabbing a salad at McDonald’s today, as they are cheap and easy to get.

    I may have to go to Wendy’s now, not feeling the McExcitment over McD’s salad now. I may have lost my appetite completely to be honest.

  42. Malicious Intent says:

    I seriously was considering grabbing a salad at McDonald’s today, as they are cheap and easy to get.

    I may have to go to Wendy’s now, not feeling the McExcitment over McD’s salad now. I may have lost my appetite completely to be honest.

  43. meleah rebeccah says:

    I love me a Big Mac.

    And Id have to agree that picture of Ponch, never gets old

  44. meleah rebeccah says:

    I love me a Big Mac.

    And Id have to agree that picture of Ponch, never gets old

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