Stuck on You – Part 1 (Jurassic Raphael)

Posted: April 8, 2009 in I'm an asshole, rants, wife

My frozen door handle – encased in ice – ignited the flashback.

Let me explain.

It was the early 90’s.

My wife and I had lived in an apartment for a few years while she was going to school.

Back then, I was in my 20’s, and actually had a hairline that didn’t resemble the state of Florida.

(FYI: Manatees make your scalp itchy)

My wife, on the other hand, had approximately 57 pounds of hair on her head.

It was the early 90’s. It’s what chicks did.

Sometimes, when I was tired, I would curl up and sleep in it…

…sheltered from the rain.

Me: “What the fuck is the UPS guy doing in here?”

The sheer amount of hair on her head required her to get up about a full day earlier than when she actually needed to leave the house.

This was so she could curl it, primp it and harden it.

(that’s what she said)

Yeah…I said “harden” it.

That much hair took approximately two cans of “Super Hold” hairspray per day to keep it from moving.

As such, I think my wife is single-handedly responsible for the demise of hundreds of polar bears…global warming…

…and the quickening retreat of the glaciers.

HA! Suck it, itchy manatee bitches!

I love summer.

But back then, the environment wasn’t the problem.

Our security deposit was.

When you live in an apartment for a few years, and spray hairspray in the bathroom for the same number of years with your back up against the open door, three things happen:

1) The bathroom door gets a thick, protective coating – like Turtle Wax, but harder and stickier.

2) You have a historical record of insects and things that were trapped in the hairspray at a certain point in time.

This is similar to the amber phenomenon described in “Jurassic Park” but without that fucking annoying jackass Jeff Goldblum.

I can’t believe he screwed BOTH Geena Davis AND Laura Dern. What the fuck is up with that shit?

I’ve gone off-topic.

I’m sure that if mosquitos, dust mites, or chihuahaus (knock on wood) go extinct in the next century, scientists will be able to clone new ones from the remains found in the hardened hairspray on our old apartment door.

But, most importantly…

3) You lose your security deposit.

On the day we were to move out of the apartment, we began cleaning the bathroom.

This was a sad day for me…

…as it occurred to me that under no circumstance would I be getting my fucking security deposit back.

This insight was based primarily on the fact that I was using a screwdriver, chisel and putty knife in an attempt to remove the hairspray blob on the door…

…which had hardened to the consistency of Tommy Lee in that Pam Anderson video.


It was THAT hard.

(reminder to myself here to hide that video)

As I whittled away the layers, hour upon hour, I was able to find things I thought were once lost…



…Lou Gehrig rookie card perfectly preserved…

…the pool boy, Raphael.

What the…?

My wife has some explaining to do.


“…maybe a hammer can crack this…”

When the hammer eventually broke, I decided to give up.

My arms…limp from the hacking…were now as useless as wet noodles.

…and there…defiant in it all…was the yellowish blob of Super Hold with barely a nick in it.

Screw the deposit.

That bitch is GONE.

Just like the last four hours of my life chipping away at this shit.

God speed, Raphael.

God speed.


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