Aim High

Posted: April 6, 2009 in kids, parenting, wtf

My boy gives “Golden Showers” a whole, new meaning.

I’m so proud.


The other day I popped into one of our bathrooms to go pee.

Sometimes I do this.

Colostomy bags don’t last forever.

The more you know.

I’ve digressed.

As I’m just about to let the wrath of my human lemonade reign Hell upon the vestibule (suck it, Shakespeare!), I glance at the top of the toilet.

Not the seat lid, mind you.

The TOP of the toilet tank itself.

There…in a small glowing kidney shape…

…is a pool of yellow.

* blink

I reach up and grab a tissue and dab at it.

Yep.

It’s piss, all right.


Me: “CAMERON!!!”

My five year old son comes in, looking guilty.

Me: “Buddy – did you pee on TOP of the toilet?”

Cam: “Uh-huh.”

* blink

* blink blink

Me: HOW?!

All I can think of is that he somehow got a little woody (as I am often prone to do) and ended up peeing with it.


Nope.

Here’s how it went down.

Er..

Up.

Cam: “I was putting the seat up and it caught my wiggly and aimed it up and I couldn’t hold it anymore and I peed all up in the air.”

Holy fucking shit.

Impressive.

Let’s GO TO THE TAPE!

Here in this artist’s rendition…

…we can see my son, pre-pee as he’s lifting the toilet seat.

Note the position of his wiggly, here represented by M. Night Shymalan:


It’s here that my son raises the toilet seat, catching his wiggly on the lift and aiming it towards the heavens:


He then lets loose because he can’t hold it in any more:


Awesome.

Actually, just thinking that M. Night Shyamalan has produced more shit lately…so maybe he’s not completely appropriate here.

Regardless…

The odds of all these things falling into place are greater than the chances of me getting my wiggly to work without medication when I need him to.

Rodney: Equating catastrophic pissing accidents to erectile dysfunction since 2009.

It’s at this point that I look up and notice THIS on the wall:


Oh. Looky there.

Me: “Well – at least we’ll always know where you hit first.”

I say “always” because that stain has NOT come off the wall no matter how much I scrub it.

He’s like “Alien” but with urine.


My wife, in an effort to comfort him because he felt bad then says:

Wife: “Don’t worry, Cam. Sometime I miss, too.”

Um.

Ew?

Jesus, hon.

Just when I thought I was getting a handle on the “I don’t need pills thing” you pull this shit out of your hat.

Story of my life.

Oh well…could be worse.

I could be pissing out of control on walls and shit.

I miss college.

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