Yet another reason I’ll be going to Hell.

Like I needed one more.


The other day, my five year old son asked me:

“Dad, what’s Jesus’ name?”

Gee, son.

I figured the “Jesus” part of his name was pretty much a fucking dead giveaway.

I don’t know son, why don’t you ask me what color red is?

Kids are stupid.

So…what’s Jesus’ name?

Me:
“Um…that would be ‘Jesus.'”

(Summer school is starting to look like an option, here)

But then he threw me for a loop:

Son: “What’s his last name?”

*cricket*

Um.

I don’t know.


I have no idea what Jesus’ last name is.

Is it Christ?

Is his last name ‘Christ?’

I have no fucking idea.

I think it’s ‘Christ.’

When Mary and Joseph got married, did the priest or whatever Jews had (kabuki warriors?), turn them around to the guests and say:

“Ladies and gentlemen..I give you Joseph and Mary Christ!”

Joseph (looking at the front row): “I thought I told you not to invite your ex-boyfriend! What’s Moogtholamew DOING HERE?”

That’s right.

My great great great great ancestor, Moogtholamew the Great may or may not be the baby’s father.

I suppose that this explains the stupid halo thing over my head.

I hate it.

It accentuates my bald spot.


Or, when they showed up at the reception hall, did the DJ announce:

“Let’s hear it for our new bride and groom…THE CHRISTS!!

Then they did the chicken dance.

But back then, the chicken dance consisted of actually killing and eating the chicken.

Not so much fun if you’re wearing a chiffon gown on the dance floor.

(Calgon and “Ancient Chinese secrets” had not yet been invented)

Panicking, I gave my son this answer:

Me: “I’m not sure, Cam. All I know is that his middle initial is ‘H’.”

Jesus H. Christ.

That HAS to be right. I use it all the time.


On a related note, my wife said I’m no longer allowed to answer the kids’ questions.

She’s such a stickler for “facts.”

Regardless, folks…

See you in Hell.

I’ll tell Satan Jones you say, ‘hi.’

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Comments
  1. Poetry Sue says:

    HMMM… Well I think I have a very special place for you in my particular part of hell.. You see Mr. S. Jones was so worried that I would take over the whole place when I got there that he gave my very own little piece of property to do with as I see fit… I’m thinking of the pineapple up the bum thing… you wanna be the first?

  2. Christina_the_wench says:

    Being a minister’s wife, I, of course, had to look it up. They didn’t use last names, just where you were from. Like, Moooooog of Redneckville. Like that. Get it?

  3. Poetry Sue says:

    HMMM… Well I think I have a very special place for you in my particular part of hell.. You see Mr. S. Jones was so worried that I would take over the whole place when I got there that he gave my very own little piece of property to do with as I see fit… I’m thinking of the pineapple up the bum thing… you wanna be the first?

  4. Christina_the_wench says:

    Being a minister’s wife, I, of course, had to look it up. They didn’t use last names, just where you were from. Like, Moooooog of Redneckville. Like that. Get it?

  5. Da Old Man says:

    Christina already answered. His name was Jesus the Nazarene, son of Joe and Mary Nazarene. Nice couple.

  6. Da Old Man says:

    Christina already answered. His name was Jesus the Nazarene, son of Joe and Mary Nazarene. Nice couple.

  7. Mike says:

    I always thought the H stood for “hallucination”.

    I’ll see you in hell.

    We’ll do the chicken dance.

  8. Mike says:

    I always thought the H stood for “hallucination”.

    I’ll see you in hell.

    We’ll do the chicken dance.

  9. Blonde Goddess says:

    Yeah Moog…hell isn’t going to be such a bad place. Mike and I will be both be there to help entertain you.

  10. Blonde Goddess says:

    Yeah Moog…hell isn’t going to be such a bad place. Mike and I will be both be there to help entertain you.

  11. Becky..AMHW says:

    Jesus Jones…duh.

    Christ, that dated me.

  12. Becky..AMHW says:

    Jesus Jones…duh.

    Christ, that dated me.

  13. moooooog35 says:

    Poetry: Pineapple up the bum thing?

    If I had a nickle for every time I…

    ..um…

    I mean, “ow! sounds painful!”

    Christina: You’re a minister’s wife and you had to look it up?!?

    Helpful tip: More praying, less blogging.

    Jesus, woman.

    Da Old Man: Nice way to be the wet blanket, Da. We were having a nice party up until that comment.

    Mike: I hear it’s perpetual played down there.

    Awesome.

    BG: As long as I don’t have to cross swords with him, I’m all good with it.

    Becky: Christ dated you?!?

  14. moooooog35 says:

    Poetry: Pineapple up the bum thing?

    If I had a nickle for every time I…

    ..um…

    I mean, “ow! sounds painful!”

    Christina: You’re a minister’s wife and you had to look it up?!?

    Helpful tip: More praying, less blogging.

    Jesus, woman.

    Da Old Man: Nice way to be the wet blanket, Da. We were having a nice party up until that comment.

    Mike: I hear it’s perpetual played down there.

    Awesome.

    BG: As long as I don’t have to cross swords with him, I’m all good with it.

    Becky: Christ dated you?!?

  15. LiLu says:

    I’m actually looking forward to Hell.

    That’s where all my friends will be drinking…

  16. LiLu says:

    I’m actually looking forward to Hell.

    That’s where all my friends will be drinking…

  17. Smileygirl says:

    Question: Are you on or off medication when you write these posts??

    My cheeks are sore. Aw hell, now I know you’re going to have a field day with that one.

  18. Smileygirl says:

    Question: Are you on or off medication when you write these posts??

    My cheeks are sore. Aw hell, now I know you’re going to have a field day with that one.

  19. C.B. Jones says:

    Sounds like you’ve got yourself a future president. Congrats to yee.

  20. C.B. Jones says:

    Sounds like you’ve got yourself a future president. Congrats to yee.

  21. Kellie says:

    That first picture reminds me of the Family Guy episode where they find Mel Gibson’s 2nd Coming of Christ movie or whatever the hell it’s called. If you haven’t seen it, it’s pretty good. But I’m a big fan of Family Guy.

    Oh and I’ll be joining you in hell. Along w/ the majority of my friends. Well, the cool ones at least.

  22. Kellie says:

    That first picture reminds me of the Family Guy episode where they find Mel Gibson’s 2nd Coming of Christ movie or whatever the hell it’s called. If you haven’t seen it, it’s pretty good. But I’m a big fan of Family Guy.

    Oh and I’ll be joining you in hell. Along w/ the majority of my friends. Well, the cool ones at least.

  23. LBluca77 says:

    I was reading this on the elevator and there were about 8 other people in it with me, it was dead silent till I started busting up laughing over Jesus H Christ.I had about 16 eyeballs on me.

  24. LBluca77 says:

    I was reading this on the elevator and there were about 8 other people in it with me, it was dead silent till I started busting up laughing over Jesus H Christ.I had about 16 eyeballs on me.

  25. GoingLikeSixty.com says:

    Har. Satan is an old married couple, Bea and Al Zabub. Who better to know how to make your life miserable than a spouse?

  26. GoingLikeSixty.com says:

    Har. Satan is an old married couple, Bea and Al Zabub. Who better to know how to make your life miserable than a spouse?

  27. Ronald10021 says:

    I’ll be there too, because that was fucking hilarious.

  28. Ronald10021 says:

    I’ll be there too, because that was fucking hilarious.

  29. binks says:

    I thought I was already in HELL. Shit, there’s more?

  30. binks says:

    I thought I was already in HELL. Shit, there’s more?

  31. Renee says:

    You know how Jesus in Spanish is pronounced “Hey-zues” and not Jesus…now that’s confusing in itself…perhaps it was pronounced like it is in Spanish rather than the way we say it…and somebody f’d up and got it wrong in translation…now the whole cussin’ thing..saying “Heyzues” Christ…it just doesn’t sound right….groan

  32. Renee says:

    You know how Jesus in Spanish is pronounced “Hey-zues” and not Jesus…now that’s confusing in itself…perhaps it was pronounced like it is in Spanish rather than the way we say it…and somebody f’d up and got it wrong in translation…now the whole cussin’ thing..saying “Heyzues” Christ…it just doesn’t sound right….groan

  33. fiona says:

    See you in Hell.

    I’ll tell Satan Jones you say, ‘hi.’

    Your going to Hell, like, right now?
    Can you post from there?
    WTF are we supposed to do here if your living the feckin life AND doing the feckin chicken dance down there?
    HUH!

  34. fiona says:

    See you in Hell.

    I’ll tell Satan Jones you say, ‘hi.’

    Your going to Hell, like, right now?
    Can you post from there?
    WTF are we supposed to do here if your living the feckin life AND doing the feckin chicken dance down there?
    HUH!

  35. wc#3 says:

    I know Jesus! His last name is Caballero Gonzalez Jimenez de Marbella.

  36. wc#3 says:

    I know Jesus! His last name is Caballero Gonzalez Jimenez de Marbella.

  37. mnmtatgirl says:

    The H. stands for haploid.

    I’m going to hell, too. I’ll bring the Patron.

  38. mnmtatgirl says:

    The H. stands for haploid.

    I’m going to hell, too. I’ll bring the Patron.

  39. coffeypot says:

    Jesus last name, huh? Let us take a look at Judas Iscariot. There are two prevailing theories about his name. One is that he was from Kerioth, thus Iscariot means ’from Kerioth.’ So Jesus’ last name could have been Isnazareth. The other theory is that Judas was a member of the SICARII, a cadre of assassins among the Jewish rebels intent on driving the Romans out of Judea. Kind of like the latter-day Mafia. So his name could have been Jesus Thehookednosedjew or Thebighonker. Who knows? Maybe it was Jesus the Bastard.

    Now you know why I don’t teach Sunday School.

    Is it getting hot around here? Do you smell sulfur and burning brimstone?

  40. coffeypot says:

    Jesus last name, huh? Let us take a look at Judas Iscariot. There are two prevailing theories about his name. One is that he was from Kerioth, thus Iscariot means ’from Kerioth.’ So Jesus’ last name could have been Isnazareth. The other theory is that Judas was a member of the SICARII, a cadre of assassins among the Jewish rebels intent on driving the Romans out of Judea. Kind of like the latter-day Mafia. So his name could have been Jesus Thehookednosedjew or Thebighonker. Who knows? Maybe it was Jesus the Bastard.

    Now you know why I don’t teach Sunday School.

    Is it getting hot around here? Do you smell sulfur and burning brimstone?

  41. Malach the Merciless says:

    His last name is Ftaghn. Now you all know.

  42. Malach the Merciless says:

    His last name is Ftaghn. Now you all know.

  43. Katie says:

    I always thought it was Ba Jesus. Oh well, see you in hell. I’ll bring marshmellows.

  44. Katie says:

    I always thought it was Ba Jesus. Oh well, see you in hell. I’ll bring marshmellows.

  45. Malicious Intent says:

    I don’t believe in a place called hell. I believe in hell on earth…so my thinking is it has to get better from here.

    And yeah, they didn’t use last names. It was your town and son of so and so. I guess if we continued that today, it would be a zip code instead like Jesus of 90210, son of Todd and Kitty, not the Jesus of 19807, so of Earl and Martha.

  46. Malicious Intent says:

    I don’t believe in a place called hell. I believe in hell on earth…so my thinking is it has to get better from here.

    And yeah, they didn’t use last names. It was your town and son of so and so. I guess if we continued that today, it would be a zip code instead like Jesus of 90210, son of Todd and Kitty, not the Jesus of 19807, so of Earl and Martha.

  47. moooooog35 says:

    LiLu: Make sure we swap cell numbers.

    Smiley: Not sure if roofies count as medication.

    FYI: that’s also why your cheeks are sore.

    CB: Sweet! I hope he lets me hit an intern.

    Kellie: My Hell-Facebook page is gonna be rockin!

    Lbluca: 16 eyeballs and 2 testicles.

    I’m crafty like a ninja.

    Going60: I trust your wife doesn’t know you write these?

    Ronald: Bring Cheetos. I fucking LOVE Cheetos.

    Binks: Yep…like a Ron Popeil commercial.

    Renee: Jesus is my school custodian.

    I’m making a shirt that says that.

    Fiona: Blogger IS Hell – so, yes to all things.

    wc#3: …and he’s the school custodian.

    Shirt. Totally making a shirt.

    mnmtatgirl: Don’t forget the salt and limes.

    Thanks in advance. You’re a sweety.

    coffee: That was a long walk, dude.

    Malach: What’s that? Like…a vanity plate or some shit we have to figure out now?

    Katie: We’re gonna have quite the picnic. Patron…marshmallows…and Rachael Ray to do all the cooking!

    MI: “..this is the word of the Rod.”

    Thanks be to Rod.

    Rod, of 03079..of course.

  48. moooooog35 says:

    LiLu: Make sure we swap cell numbers.

    Smiley: Not sure if roofies count as medication.

    FYI: that’s also why your cheeks are sore.

    CB: Sweet! I hope he lets me hit an intern.

    Kellie: My Hell-Facebook page is gonna be rockin!

    Lbluca: 16 eyeballs and 2 testicles.

    I’m crafty like a ninja.

    Going60: I trust your wife doesn’t know you write these?

    Ronald: Bring Cheetos. I fucking LOVE Cheetos.

    Binks: Yep…like a Ron Popeil commercial.

    Renee: Jesus is my school custodian.

    I’m making a shirt that says that.

    Fiona: Blogger IS Hell – so, yes to all things.

    wc#3: …and he’s the school custodian.

    Shirt. Totally making a shirt.

    mnmtatgirl: Don’t forget the salt and limes.

    Thanks in advance. You’re a sweety.

    coffee: That was a long walk, dude.

    Malach: What’s that? Like…a vanity plate or some shit we have to figure out now?

    Katie: We’re gonna have quite the picnic. Patron…marshmallows…and Rachael Ray to do all the cooking!

    MI: “..this is the word of the Rod.”

    Thanks be to Rod.

    Rod, of 03079..of course.

  49. Susan says:

    That is hysterical. And that is also why my new answer to any question I’m not sure how to best answer is “Honey, let’s google that tomorrow!”. Wha La!

  50. Susan says:

    That is hysterical. And that is also why my new answer to any question I’m not sure how to best answer is “Honey, let’s google that tomorrow!”. Wha La!

  51. Jenn Thorson says:

    Well, I guess I’ll be there in hell with you because I laughed. 🙂

  52. Jenn Thorson says:

    Well, I guess I’ll be there in hell with you because I laughed. 🙂

  53. Un[Censored] says:

    Well that explains it. I think Baba Doodlius would be proud.

    And another note…if George Bush is going to heaven. I’ll take Hell.

    Crys

    http://weekfullofmondays.blogspot.com

  54. Un[Censored] says:

    Well that explains it. I think Baba Doodlius would be proud.

    And another note…if George Bush is going to heaven. I’ll take Hell.

    Crys

    http://weekfullofmondays.blogspot.com

  55. leah says:

    Actually, I think people (men?) were known by where they came from (i.e., Jesus of Nazareth) and also who their father was (i.e., Jesus son of Joseph, or Jesus bar Joseph). Jesus calls Simon “Simon bar Jonah” (Simon son of Jonah), James and John the sons of Zebedee, etc. Duh.

    Sorry… I think I took this post way too seriously.

    You totally need to watch more Colbert. The first minute or so of this interview describes a similar clan naming thing in Muslim Africa… not that I’m saying Jesus was Muslim. Just so we’re clear.

  56. leah says:

    Actually, I think people (men?) were known by where they came from (i.e., Jesus of Nazareth) and also who their father was (i.e., Jesus son of Joseph, or Jesus bar Joseph). Jesus calls Simon “Simon bar Jonah” (Simon son of Jonah), James and John the sons of Zebedee, etc. Duh.

    Sorry… I think I took this post way too seriously.

    You totally need to watch more Colbert. The first minute or so of this interview describes a similar clan naming thing in Muslim Africa… not that I’m saying Jesus was Muslim. Just so we’re clear.

  57. Ryan Garns says:

    I believe Jesus’ full name is “Jesus H. R. Puffnstuff Christ”. Anyone got a Bible to confirm?

  58. Ryan Garns says:

    I believe Jesus’ full name is “Jesus H. R. Puffnstuff Christ”. Anyone got a Bible to confirm?

  59. Janna says:

    Now I have the Chicken Dance stuck in my head, with visions of apostles flapping their arms and elbows…
    in those long robes…

    Gaaahhh.

  60. Janna says:

    Now I have the Chicken Dance stuck in my head, with visions of apostles flapping their arms and elbows…
    in those long robes…

    Gaaahhh.

  61. moooooog35 says:

    Susa: What is this thing you call, “Google?”

    Jenn: I’ll save you a seat.

    * patting chair next to me

    Crys: Which Bush? W or H? Just curious.

    Leah: You lost me at “actually.”

    Ryan: That explains “The Bugaboos.”

    Janna: Like this is a new vision for you.

  62. moooooog35 says:

    Susa: What is this thing you call, “Google?”

    Jenn: I’ll save you a seat.

    * patting chair next to me

    Crys: Which Bush? W or H? Just curious.

    Leah: You lost me at “actually.”

    Ryan: That explains “The Bugaboos.”

    Janna: Like this is a new vision for you.

  63. meleah rebeccah says:

    You really ARE going to hell, but I will be right there with you. hahahahahahhahahahahahahaa

  64. meleah rebeccah says:

    You really ARE going to hell, but I will be right there with you. hahahahahahhahahahahahahaa

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