Well, at Least I Know his Middle Initial

Posted: March 26, 2009 in kids, kids are fun to lie to, parenting, religion

Yet another reason I’ll be going to Hell.

Like I needed one more.

The other day, my five year old son asked me:

“Dad, what’s Jesus’ name?”

Gee, son.

I figured the “Jesus” part of his name was pretty much a fucking dead giveaway.

I don’t know son, why don’t you ask me what color red is?

Kids are stupid.

So…what’s Jesus’ name?

“Um…that would be ‘Jesus.'”

(Summer school is starting to look like an option, here)

But then he threw me for a loop:

Son: “What’s his last name?”



I don’t know.

I have no idea what Jesus’ last name is.

Is it Christ?

Is his last name ‘Christ?’

I have no fucking idea.

I think it’s ‘Christ.’

When Mary and Joseph got married, did the priest or whatever Jews had (kabuki warriors?), turn them around to the guests and say:

“Ladies and gentlemen..I give you Joseph and Mary Christ!”

Joseph (looking at the front row): “I thought I told you not to invite your ex-boyfriend! What’s Moogtholamew DOING HERE?”

That’s right.

My great great great great ancestor, Moogtholamew the Great may or may not be the baby’s father.

I suppose that this explains the stupid halo thing over my head.

I hate it.

It accentuates my bald spot.

Or, when they showed up at the reception hall, did the DJ announce:

“Let’s hear it for our new bride and groom…THE CHRISTS!!

Then they did the chicken dance.

But back then, the chicken dance consisted of actually killing and eating the chicken.

Not so much fun if you’re wearing a chiffon gown on the dance floor.

(Calgon and “Ancient Chinese secrets” had not yet been invented)

Panicking, I gave my son this answer:

Me: “I’m not sure, Cam. All I know is that his middle initial is ‘H’.”

Jesus H. Christ.

That HAS to be right. I use it all the time.

On a related note, my wife said I’m no longer allowed to answer the kids’ questions.

She’s such a stickler for “facts.”

Regardless, folks…

See you in Hell.

I’ll tell Satan Jones you say, ‘hi.’


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