The Cookie Pimp

Posted: March 23, 2009 in I'm an asshole, kids, parenting

It’s over.

It’s FINALLY over.

No, not these weird bumps on my genitals…

…that shit’s been going on for decades.

On a related note:

Just because it looks like green Jell-O doesn’t mean you should put your penis in it.

20 times.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

No, I’m talking about Girl Scout Cookie season.

Ah, yes…

Girl Scout Cookie Season.

That time of the year where little girls everywhere con their parents, grandparents…

(and for some reason, at my house, the UPS guy she calls ‘Uncle Walt’)

…into hawking cookies for them so they don’t have to do shit and just sit on their asses watching iCarly on Nickelodeon and High School Fucking Musical 3 for the 17th time while JESUS H. CHRIST ALL I WANT TO WATCH IS THE NEWS AND IT’S MY TV ANYWAY SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM!


Selling cookies.

As her father, I take this responsibility seriously.

Because no one wants to have the stupid kid who sells, like, 5 boxes of cookies.

THAT girl is a loser.


It’s fucking embarrassing. Walk 5 steps behind me at all times. I can’t even look at you.

Sometimes, my childhood haunts me.

So, here’s the email I sent out at my work (actual email):

From: Rodney
Subject: Shameless Cookie Solicitation

Yes – it’s that time of year again.

Where the hopes and dreams of a young girl can be miraculously achieved…or hopelessly dashed…

…based on how many Girl Scout Cookies she sells.

That’s right:



I get excited over small things.

My daughter is now selling Girl Scout Cookies for her troop.

And I, as her father, am one of her designated “cookie pimps.”

If you want to order cookies, feel free to swing by or let me know – I have the order form at my desk.

Cookies are $3.50 per box – and you can hold off on paying until the cookies are in (or pre-pay and save up to zero dollars!).

Also, if you buy by the case, I may also show you some secret dance moves of mine as an added bonus.

I see this as a win-win.

$3.50 is literally only pennies a day.

So, you can either help one of those little Ethiopian kids…or get a box of Thin Mints.

Seriously…Thin Mints. This one’s a no-brainer.

I’m also considering opening a toll-free number and buying a billboard on 93 so she can get her stupid patch if she sells 50 boxes.

Thanks in advance for your order!


That fucking genius piece of literature nabbed me 40 boxes of cookies.

That’s right.

I sold 40 boxes of cookies myself.

I did all this without a single visit from Human Resources about me breaking their ‘Code of Conduct’ or ‘Sexual Harrassment’ laws or ‘Employee Too Sexy for the Workplace Candidacy.’

I swear that last one is biased towards the chicks on the first floor.


Skinny + big boobs wins.

I get it.

I may not be too sexy for the workplace now

…but wait til you see me with my new Cookie Patch Award sewed onto my shirt.

Killer, baby. Killer.

Cookie Pimp in da house.

Let no Ethiopian stand in my way.


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