I Get Screwed

Posted: March 19, 2009 in karate, pain and suffering

I got screwed the other day.


I’m a lucky man.

Normally, I wouldn’t share this type of news with just anyone.

Yeah. Right.

This is why I keep the receipts from hookers.

That, plus there’s a tax loophole where you can deduct your cost as a home business expense if it’s done in your basement and you order a certain “package” that may or may not include use of your water heater and a small rubber hose.

However, last time I checked I wasn’t your personal fucking financial advisor so that’s as far as I’m going with that.

So I live by the rule:

If she ain’t got a place to swipe my credit card, she ain’t gettin’ ma biznezz fo shizzle.

On a possibly related note:

My American Express card smells.

So, yeah.

I got screwed the other day.

And dontcha know that I’ve got some pictures for ya!

I love me my sick peeps.

In a sick twist of irony:

Peeps make me sick.


So – I had surgery on my broken pinky the other day.

Here’s what my x-ray looked like:

In the words of not a single girl I’ve ever had sex with:



You can’t even FAKE that it’s pleasing?

Stupid dog.

My friend John saw the above photo and IM’d me:

John: What’s that in the pic? Your wedding ring?

Me: No John, I’m really a Hobbitt and it’s my quest to destroy it.

John: You’re precious.

I am.

I AM precious.

Thanks for noticing.

Regardless, I actually had to have surgery to fix my pinky.

Me: “Hey. Can you make my penis larger while you’re in there?”

Dr.: “Dude. I’m an orthopedist.”


Not OrthoPENIS.



So, he knocked me out for the surgery…

(That’s odd…why do I make no noise now when I fart?)

..and fixed my finger.

It now looks like this:


Friggin’ guys in my karate class ain’t gonna know what hit them.

You know…in 6 weeks when this heals.

Stupid bionic arm.


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