Would I Lie to You – Part Douche (that’s French for ‘two’)

Posted: March 5, 2009 in does this mole look cancerous to you, I've got the biggest balls of them all if I was the only one in the room, lies lies everywhere lies

The other day, I wrote a list of truths about myself

…all in song titles.

Today…you get the bullshit.

Actually, MORE bullshit than usual.

It’s like payday for you!

Here goes:

Some lies about myself in song titles.

1) Big balls

I’m fine with this because of my tiny frame.

If these things were any bigger, I’d trip all the time.

And no one likes tripping on their testes.

No one.

2) Fuck Like a Beast

I’m awesome.

However, this may become a truth if the “beast” in question has a tiny wiggly, needs Levitra, and can last only approximately 3 or 4 minutes.


I’m starting to depress myself.

Two side notes:

a) W.A.S.P was fucking AWESOME
b) apparently, I stole the “add a * into the word f*ck” from W.A.S.P….who knew?

3) I Believe I Can Fly

A broken fibula showed me the light on this one.

Damn you, model glue!

Why must you smell so good?!

4) I Touch Myself


Just seeing if you were paying attention.

Okay…back to the lies:

4) Sussudio

I have no idea what this means.

5) Seventh Son of a Seventh Son

I’m an only child.

This is why Mr. Wiggly and I are such good friends.

Aren’t we, Mr. Wiggly? Coochie-coochie-coo!

We ARE good friends, huh?

Why yes, we are…yes we…



My mother, however, is one of 13 kids.

13 goddamn kids.

Way to nail that ‘tang, grandpa!!

Guy musta had some big balls.

Ugh…I think I just made myself throw up in my mouth a little.


There you go.

If you’re interested in doing this, have at it.

I don’t tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have “a list.”

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It’s the nice thing to do.


  1. Christina_the_wench says:

    It is comforting to know that there is a place where smiling, waving penises can walk down the streets unashamed in togetherness. It’s like Paris Hilton’s fantasy land. Minus the Valtrex.

    It’s just beautiful. *sniff*

  2. LBluca77 says:

    It is better to have small balls. It makes it easier for girls to put them in our mouths.

  3. Mike says:

    I like LBluca77 better every time she types something, that nasty nasty hottie.

  4. Stickman says:

    That guy’s vasectomy went horribly wrong! My god that’s gotta hurt!

  5. moooooog35 says:

    Christina: Extra points to you for using ‘Valtrex’ in a comment.

    These points get you nothing.

    Lbluca: YOU DO WHAT WITH THEM?!?!

    Is that legal? Do all women know of this?!?

    Mike: Like the saying goes:

    Pornographic comments make the heart grow fonder.

    Stickman: Thank God mine when horribly right. Actually…too good. I think they’re lopsided now.

  6. Bon Don says:

    Hell yeah I’m going to “Have At It” … oh and come up with my own list too!

    Thanks for the post filler 🙂

  7. LiLu says:

    I dunno, I don’t think that guy with the balls is so bad. He has a ready made chair for any sporting event he goes to.

  8. Narm says:

    Two things –

    1) Small balls make your honker look bigger

    2) Grandpa had some huge balls? At least you know where you got yours

  9. Kellie says:

    Wow. I was going to say something witty (like usual) but I can’t get past that image of the F*ck like an animal CD. Where can we get one of those? Haha.

  10. fiona says:

    “your honker”
    If Narm reckons his goes “HONK” then might one assume that Mr Wiggly goes “parp parp”?
    Fascinating penile sound effects …perhaps the two of you could start a band?
    The Dickheads?

  11. Malach the Merciless says:


  12. fiona says:

    Malach is a wee bit nuts…

  13. moooooog35 says:

    Bon Don: Someday I’ll live in a world where a girl that says, “I’ll have at it” means something totally different for me.


    LiLu: AND fireworks displays!

    Narm: Big balls make my honker look bigger?

    I’m not sure what this has to do with the size of my nose.

    Am I getting teabagged in this analogy?

    Kellie: FOR SHAME YOU DON’T KNOW THE BRILLIANCE THAT IS W.A.S.P!! Blackie Lawless is/was a power saw wielding God of metal!!

    I had a mullet.

    Fiona: You could be our first groupie.

    Probably our only groupie.

    Malach: ?

    Dude…More methadone, less heroin.

    Fiona: Nice job stating the obvious.

  14. Venom says:


    Gotta think about it, but gonna try it, will link it back to this.

    Thanks Buddy!

  15. Venom says:

    ps? It’s called ‘teabagging’. I didn’t just know this, I had to look it up…
    How very sad.

  16. freetheunicorns says:

    I was going to say something, but after reading LBluca77’s comment, I got sidetracked for some reason.

  17. Renee says:

    Hey I’m an only child too…hmmm maybe this touching myself thing is an only child phenom….who knew?

  18. Katie says:

    I think that first guy needs a bath in my sink…

  19. Olly says:

    Hahahahaha that guy with the big balls looks like he has got his own bouncey ball thing built right in that you see kids boinging around on – only his is kinda sick…

    I’d like to see him bouncing by!

  20. moooooog35 says:

    Venom: Thanks. Tell Spiderman I said ‘hi.’

    Free: I’m going back to read lbluca’s comment again and see wha…um…

    What were we talking about?

    Renee: We should conduct some sort of study. I’ll go first.


    Katie: Jesus H. Christ. How big is your sink?!?

    Olly: Hippity Hop.

    In his case, though, I think ‘bouncy ball’ is more appropriate a term.

  21. Susan says:

    Glad I have now been able to finally access you regularly – had to eliminate adware software…who the fuck knew what that was…anyway, I’m back. Thank god.

  22. John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer says:

    You won my caption contest.

    To see which caption won, go to http://authoringauctioneer.com/my-play-date-with-president-obama/

  23. c.watson says:

    I leave for what like a month and this is what you’ve been up to? Well at least I giggled. And please forgive the absense I will continue to read and judge from now on.

  24. meleah rebeccah says:

    Great Fucking List!

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