Once again, I’ve outdone myself.

On a side note, if I could ACTUALLY DO myself, I don’t think I’d ever leave the house.

Hey…this penis smells funny!

Sorry.

A thought popped into my head for doing a ‘meme’ the other day.

For those of you who don’t know, a ‘meme’ is the French word for ‘grandma.’

I loved doing that meme.

Man…that bitch was FILTHY.

Wait…wait…

’memere’ is the French word for grandma.

Sometimes I start talking about the wrong things.

Confused, my head is bacon goodness!!

But I’ve digressed.

A LOT.


A ‘meme’ is something that you can do as a ‘post’ when you’re ‘bored’ or ‘out of ideas’ or ‘lazy’ or ‘sexually repressed’ and ‘may want to have sex with ferrets.’

Mmmm…ferrets.

Fuzzy little sexy things.

Regardless, here’s my idea:

List some things about yourself that are true, and some that are a lie.

Here’s the catch:

The items have to be song titles.

There is no – “you have to have five of each” rule…or whatever…if you can only find one song, then just use one song.

Loser.


Today…you get the “Truth” songs about me.

Tomorrow…the horrible, horrible LIES!

Here goes.

Some true things about myself in song titles:

1) Short People

I’m 5 foot fucking 2 inches tall. Not rocket science here, people.

However, I have a reason to live! I don’t wanna die!

There’s so much porn I have yet to see!


2) Mama, I’m Coming Home

Seriously, mom – I’m coming home.

I really need a fucking haircut.

3) I Want Your Sex

Please be advised that I may not know what to do with it once you give it to me.

However, I won’t have it for very long, because I’m….

4) Too Fast for Love

Seriously…

…I’ll have your sex for, like, 3…maybe 4 minutes.

Tops.

Also…to my wife:

Honey, the ‘I second this choice!’ shout out here is totally unnecessary.


5) No Anchovies, Please

Blech.

I hate fish.


If it has a fin, I won’t eat it unless it’s on the endangered list OR it’s a tuna sandwich made ONLY with the following stipulations:

a) My wife made the tuna sandwich

b) The bread is lightly toasted…not too crispy…and DEFINITELY not UNtoasted…that shit’s just plain wrong right there, my friend.

c) It has pickles to kill the taste of the actual tuna

d)It has no f*cking dog hair in it OH MY GOD THERE IS DOG HAIR EVERYWHERE IN THIS HOUSE CAN’T WE JUST KILL THIS FUCKING DOG?!?!


5) I Touch Myself

I’m doing it right now.

My boss is looking at me funny.


6) Detachable Penis

Not true.

YET.

But if I keep doing #5 with the schedule I’m on it’s bound to happen sooner or later.

************************

There you go.

If you’re interested in doing this, have at it.

I don’t tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have “a list.”

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It’s the nice thing to do.

Enjoy.

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Comments
  1. Mike says:

    Detachable penis.

    You know, you could put different attachments on that.

    Like the rotating one or the vibrating one.

    I don’t know what that would do for you, but it would certainly do stuff for your memere.

  2. LBluca77 says:

    3 or 4 minutes?! I have said it before your wife is one lucky lucky lady.

  3. Kellie says:

    My old boss once made me karaoke “I Touch Myself” w/ my gay co-worker. True story. Why didn’t I call HR?

  4. fiona says:

    No3, your welcome to mine, it’s fuckin useless! Do what you want with it OR donate it to a local Thrift Store…whatever

  5. LiLu says:

    Tuna and pickles were made for each other. Like masturbating and masturbating. What?

  6. Knight says:

    I’m betting you only saw the bottom rows of porn. I would be happy to press the top dispenser buttons for you.

  7. moooooog35 says:

    Mike: My memeres are dead. I was talking about yours.

    FYI: They like the spikey attachments.

    Lbluca: Exactly. This way, we fit everything into the commercial breaks!

    Kellie: Um…video? hello?

    Fiona: Thrift store?! I can get this shit at GoodWill?!?!

    Does it smell? It does, doesn’t it. Everything at GoodWill smells.

    LiLu: Or, in your case, masturbating and pickles.

    Knight: There’s a TOP ROW?!? Good to know.

    If I ever get through the bottom row, I’ll ping you. Watching these things 5 minutes at a time takes a while.

  8. Blonde Goddess says:

    Shave the dog.
    Paint the detachable penis yellow (it’s easier to find in the dark) and use an hour glass filled with sand as your timer.
    (When you sit and watch it is seems like it takes forever)

    Don’t thank me now.
    I’ll cash in my favor some other time.

  9. Christina_the_wench says:

    So let me get this straight… you’re short, have a detachable penis, can’t reach the top shelf of porn and you’re way too quick in bed?

    How many sex toys DOES your wife own? Just saying….

  10. moooooog35 says:

    BG: Sounds like you speak from experience.

    No. I don’t want to know.

    Christina: You cut me deep just then, woman. You cut me deep.

  11. rs27 says:

    3 minutes?!?!

    You are a marathon man my friend.

  12. BDC says:

    I have a permenant fix for you top shelf problems..Just go and buy youself some doggie steps plus there small enough to carry. And is it wrong that i have a toy of myself? and play with it almost every day? HUMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

  13. coffeypot says:

    I have two that I can think of off the top of my head:

    Sixty Minuet Man – I’ll rock’um, roll’em all night long…

    and

    I’m Hungry For Your Love So I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line

    There has to be more…maybe later.

  14. Bon Don says:

    Edna and Mrs. Midgetman of Steel are lucky ladys!

  15. Mike says:

    Oh who are you trying to kid? You are out doing yourself every chance you get.

    I probably should have read the whole post before I commented, but I think it went downhill from there.

  16. Malicious Intent says:

    You seriously fucking scare me.

    1. I’m a Bitch
    2. Pour some sugar on me
    3. Living on a prayer (and that ain’t no lie!)

  17. Malach the Merciless says:

    I could do this one!

  18. moooooog35 says:

    rs27: If marathons were five feet long and lasted 12 seconds then, yes, I am a marathon.

    BDC: Dude. The toy thing is freaking me out.

    coffeypot: Sixty Minuet Man? You sing 60 minuets? Why would you do that?

    Bon Don: Word.

    What?

    Mike: You’re right…I DO do myself every chance I get. Oh. Look. Here comes HR.

    MI: I’m assuming I have to put sugar on you because you’re so, so bitter?

    Please expand. Thanks in advance.

    Malach: Godspeed, my friend. Godspeed.

  19. GeologyJoe says:

    Kings X is awesome.

    Now i’m gonna be singing ‘detachable penis’ all day. which is a bit more fun than the ‘2 minutes to midnight’ by iron maiden i already had going.

  20. Malicious Intent says:

    No, my glucose levels were low, I pass out otherwise.

  21. meleah rebeccah says:

    I think that sandwich looked good.

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