Levitating Homos and My Major Award

Posted: March 2, 2009 in awards, I'm an asshole


No. No.

It’s not ‘World’s Smallest Penis.’

You can’t win that award twice.

It’s in the rule book.

Suits suck.


I won $60 worth of free flowers over at GO! Smell the Flowers! in a caption contest.

Here’s the picture, followed by my AWARD WINNING CAPTION:

Humpty Dumpty – The Musical.” Brought to you by the “Hot Chicks and Levitating Homosexuals Theater Group.”

Fucking ay, that’s right!

Suck it, Shakespeare!


I think he did, actually.

$60 in flowers.


$60 in flowers.

I have no idea what I’m going to do with $60 of flowers.

You see, I’m married to the one woman on the planet who HATES flowers.

Hates them.

This makes days like, oh, Valentine’s Day and our Anniversary and her birthday all that much FUCKING HARDER BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T GO OUT AND BUY SOME STUPID FUCKING FLOWERS!!!


Instead, I’m the one guy on the fucking planet who actually has to come up with creative and different IDEAS on what to get my wife.


I have to THINK about what to get her.

No man should have to do this shit.

It’s fucking tiring.

This XBox isn’t going to play itself.

Did I mention she’s allergic to everything except GOLD?

(anyone smell scam? anyone?)

By the way, I’ve known my wife since 1988.

I exhausted the goddamn jewelry avenue years ago.

She looks like Mr. T but with more hair.

(she tans a lot)

So, I suppose I kind of have to wait for someone to die or something.

If anyone out there wants to volunteer, let me know.

I got some nice flowers for ya.

Moog out.


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