It’s winter here in New England.

That means, just like the Groundhog…

I won’t see my penis for six months.

Junk. Hibernates.

I think I may have that analogy wrong.

Whatever. My blog. My rules.


I was dropping my son, Cam, off at Kindergarten the other morning before I left for work.

For those of you without children, “Kindergarten” is where boys and girls:

1) first learn the art of ‘sexual tension’

2) have snack

3) make a ton of fucking shit out of felt

My house is full of felt shit taped up all over the walls.

It’s like the Muppets dressing room fucking exploded.

I’d do Miss Piggy.

I’ve digressed.

As I’m walking my son past one of his girl classmates…it starts:

Cam: “I hate you.”

Girl: “I hate you more.”

Cam: “You smell like pee.”

Girl: “Go fuck yourself.”

Cam: “You know, my dick is so big I probably could.”

Five year olds are funny.

Man…these two are gonna have some mad-ass sex (or mad ass-sex) when they’re teens.

After I was done laughing and congratulating my son on skillfully firing the first shot, I looked up and saw one of their crafts taped to the window of the school.

Here’s what I saw:

Aw. Cute.

The kids had made winter hats and mittens out of construction paper and taped them to the windows.

So, I say bye to my son…

…slap the little bitch he was fighting with in the side of the head when her mom wasn’t looking…

(score one for dad)

…and walk out the door.

Then I hear:

* knock knock knock

There’s on knock on the window behind me.

I turn…

…and see Cam in the window.

He’s doing this:


How he comes up with this shit, I have no idea.

I laughed for ten minutes.

Thanks, Cam.

You started my day off on a good note.

Now go talk smack to that little bitch.

Chicks love the bad boy.

  1. Christina_the_wench says:

    It’s a beautiful thing to see you teaching your son the finer points of bitch slapping. *sniff* I am calling the Hallmark Channel right now. They MUST broadcast this shit.

  2. Mike says:

    Your boy is going to be just like you.

    But hopefully with a useable penis.


  3. Regardez Moi says:

    This was my favorite post of yours. Hands down.


    still laughing.

  4. Chris Wood says:

    Seems like Cam’s going to learn lots from you! Good call, take no shit.

  5. the iNDefatigable mjenks says:

    You need to train your son up like I did mine. He has befriended the three kids in the class with the hottest moms. The bonus is that the one with the fine rack also has a daughter who is one of my daughter’s best friends.

    Something to aspire to.

  6. moooooog35 says:

    Christina: I was thinking more along the lines of “Cinemax Late Night”, but whatever.

    Mike: penis was totally usable until I destroyed it by personal overuse.

    Let that be a lesson to you all.

    Regardez: “Hands down?” Hands down where? Please be specific. Thanks in advance.

    Chris: Chip off the old block he is. Poor bastard.

    Mjenks: That’s exactly why I volunteer for chaperone duty.

    That, plus I get to ride in the back of the bus with the cool kids.

  7. Thinkinfyou says:

    Ahhh! Good parenting at it’s best!

  8. Poetry Sue says:

    Mooog you inspire me to be a better parent… I must teach my son to bitch slap the girls in daycare… its an important lesson

  9. Gwen says:

    I don’t know, I think he comes by his sense of humor honestly. Apples falling from trees and all that happy shit, you know.

  10. Becky..AMHW says:

    Awww! Even posting that naked, fluidous and very tucked karaoke man can’t hide the fact that you are a little softie!

    Um, don’t take that wrong.

  11. rs27 says:

    Google images should have you on personal retainer.

    Or give you a retainer.

    either way.

  12. HeyJoe says:

    Soon you’ll be laughing about things like pianists. There are a few joys to parenting.

  13. Blonde Goddess says:

    Why didn’t they make the hat and mittens out of felt?
    They used paper?

    I’m so confused…

  14. Stacie says:

    I almost stopped reading after I had to run to the bathroom and vomit from picture one…

    but you totally made up for it of course (as always) and the rest made me smile.

  15. Kellie says:

    Your kid is so cute. Seriously that is a GREAT picture. What a hoot. Did I really just say hoot? God I’m old. I sound like a little old lady talking about how much fun she had playing bridge on a sat night.

  16. Giggle Pixie says:

    That was adorable.

    And hysterical.

    Thanks for both. 🙂

  17. LiLu says:

    How he comes up with this shit, I have no idea.

    I have a pretty good idea, seeing as I say to myself every single time I read one of your posts.

    And about that first pic? My eyes would like a word.

  18. moooooog35 says:

    Thinking: What?! WHERE?!

    PoetrySue: Remember this:

    A is for ‘apple.’

    B is for ‘bitch slap.’

    C is for…well…

    Gwen: if he’s my apple, then he’s gonna have some serious issues.

    Becky: You can tell I’m a softie? Did I leave my webcam on?

    rs27: More like ‘restrainer.’

    HeyJoe: HAHAHA! PIANIST sounds like PENIS!! HAHAHA!

    BG: Because paper is the new felt.


    Stacie: My blog is just like in college: vomiting is half the experience.

    Kellie: Yes, he is a cute whippersnapper.

    See you in the rest home!

    Giggle: Adorable and hysterical. Sounds like you’re describing my wiggly.


  19. coffeypot says:

    Are five year olds allowed to be married in your state? They sound married – at least they sound like me and my wife. All but the slapping up side the head part. I can’t do that because I am too much of a gentleman and she would beat the shit out of me. I need someone like you around here to do it for me. You free tonight?

  20. Malach the Merciless says:

    You took that girl out back didn’t ya!

  21. fiona says:

    Cheap Bastard, buy the kids a hat and mitts will ya!
    A cry for help if ever there was one!

  22. Codec Web says:

    the penis-hidden man reminded me “The Silence of the Lambs” movie, jaja this man is great

  23. moooooog35 says:

    Coffee: Sorry, dude…got your comment too late.

    I’ll be there tonight anyway. I have an appointment with your wife between 7:00 and 8:00. I’ll be the short guy…usually about fifth in line.

    Malach: I did not take her to the Outback.

    Fiona: Good point. However, frostbite toughens ’em up good.

    Codec: It’s pretty tough finding a photo of Buffalo Bill…this was as close as I could get on short notice.

  24. Patyrish says:

    Cam ROCKS! That is too funny. You are wearing off on him, this is actually a good thing.

    Even though he still thinks raisins are people.

    Nice to know that someone will be able to carry on the “Moog” name.

  25. Argentum Vulgaris says:

    That conversation is just like my Ellen, but she’s an old lady of nine. Cam shows promise… and class!


  26. meleah rebeccah says:

    that was too funny and too cute.

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