I hate locker rooms.

Let me explain.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must go through a certain ritual…

…a…a…

…a passing of manhood, if you will.

Speaking of passing manhood, I took a shit this morning that looked like Abraham Lincoln.

I don’t remember eating the little plastic top hat…but whatever.

Remember, guys…pooping is just like cooking:

It’s all about the presentation.


I also don’t think the guy in the next stall appreciated me yelling:

“I EMANCIPATE YOU!!”

But, fuck him. This is democracy at work.

On a related note, has anyone coined “I’m gonna go free the slaves” as their term to go take a shit?

If not – you heard it here first.

Guy #1: “Dude…where you goin’?”

Guy #2: “Oh, man. I had a huge lunch. Gotta go free the slaves.”

Mark your calendar.

I’m getting friggin’ audited this year.

Obama won’t take this kind of shit from me anymore.


(I didn’t vote for him…I just like the picture…off to find one of Sarah Palin in the same pose)

Wait.

What the fuck was I talking about?

Christ…I go off on a shit tangent and completely lose my goddamn mind.

Oh.

Locker rooms.

So, I’m going into the locker room at work to change for the gym.

My boss, Mike, is in there, just back from his run.

He’s getting naked to take his shower.

Ugh.

The last time I saw my boss naked was during the job interview.

Listen…

When you have no marketable skills, sometimes “I Go Ass-Up” is the best thing to put on your resume.

I’ve digressed.


So, I have a locker in the men’s room…

…and my boss is right next to me.

Now – let’s not mince words here:

I glanced at his junk.

I didn’t stare at it…

…I didn’t fondle it and devote a shrine in my house to it (shout out to my Uncle Ronnie here)

I took a sweeping glance at it.

Mother. Of. God.

It was like looking at a fucking rainforest.

Manscaping is apparently not in my boss’ vocabulary.

At one point, I swear I saw a parrot fly out of from within that generous thicket.


With this image now burned in my head…

(What just hit me? WHO THREW THIS COCONUT?!?!)

I bent over and started tying my shoes – one foot up on the bench.

Then.

It happened.

My boss, trying to get to the showers…

…was trapped.

So he did what he had to do.

HE STEPPED OVER THE FUCKING BENCH IN FRONT OF ME.

In order to describe this further, let me provide a diagram of the locker room.

Hey. That’s not bad.

Man.

I’ve gotten no fucking work done today at all.

Sorry.

So he’s stepping over the bench bollocky bare-ass.

It’s at this EXACT MOMENT that I glance up from tying my shoe…

…and see my boss’ big hairy balls go danglin’ on by…

…as they pass about 8 inches from my fucking face.

Well.

Isn’t that just fucking awesome.

Second time today I’ve been witness to a passing of manhood.

Because this is so hard to visualize, I did what any good person would do:

STOP MOTION VIDEO!!!

WITH SOUND!

(why am I the only one clapping?)

Here you go:


Ugh.

Horrifying.

Thank you for sharing in my pain.

Thankfully, it will be another 8 months before I have to see those hairy bastards again.

Yep.

My yearly review is in October.

I hope he shaves those fuckers.

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Comments
  1. Poetry Sue says:

    ROTFLMAOPIMP

    god damn…. that was good….

  2. Christina_the_wench says:

    I have no words. Just be grateful he didn’t just wake up. Imagine THAT visual.

    You’re welcome.

  3. Blonde Goddess says:

    Be thankful he didn’t step OVER you…I’ve had a few hairy balls smack me in the forehead before and it’s no laughing matter.

  4. Kellie says:

    Ew. I HATE hairy balls. Seriously. Once you’ve been w/ a man who shaves them you’ll never want to be w/ a man that doesn’t. It’s so much nicer and clean. Hairy ones haunt me in my nightmares.

  5. Knight says:

    WOW. This post was so far over the line I don’t even remember where the line was.

  6. Stacie says:

    your posts always leave me speachless, but this one also left a little puke.

    thanks. for all the VISUALS.

  7. LiLu says:

    Oh my lord. I think I’m going to have to just start tagging you on Thursdays… it’s always TMI around here. And I LOVE IT.

  8. LBluca77 says:

    I like the term “Dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool”

    Love, Lbluca straight from the can.

  9. Bon Don says:

    Note to self:

    Update resume with “I Go Ass-Up” and buy Kiwis.

  10. Jen says:

    I can’t stop laughing. I love your chart with you tying your shoe and Apu representing all Indian men.

  11. GoingLikeSixty.com says:

    “…and then I waited for five minutes for a 30 second video to download and it was his illustration of his Boss’s Balls…”

    — overheard in elevator.

    You RAWK dud.

  12. rs27 says:

    So your boss basically teabagged you.

    Welcome to hell.

  13. Becky..AMHW says:

    Blink…

    So…string cheese anyone?

  14. Olly says:

    Yup, now every time you see him you will visualize the hairy beasts.

    Was this just before you ate lunch? If so, it could be a great diet plan…

  15. Kevin John says:

    You got the job, but did you get the raise?

    Good one Mooog!

  16. Patyrish says:

    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    Your Abe Lincoln poo cracked me up and reminded me of when my sister Deborah pooped a manatee. We were like 10 and she came and got me to show me her “manatee turd”.

    She was oh so proud. Manatee’s in general looked like a huge turd….she was so proud though I didnt have the heart to point this out to her.

    Dangly hairy balls….JUST NOT cute…no not cute at all. Sorry to hear they passed just inches in front of your face. Your lucky that you didnt get attacked by one of the animals in his bush.

    In this day and age doesnt everyone shave? I guess not.

  17. Malach the Merciless says:

    So, did you get the hair outta your teeth?

  18. GO! Smell the flowers says:

    Hair outta teeth hey….whilst tieing your show on a bench,brad?Anyway – CONGRATS – you’ve won the free flowers caption contest Moog – we’ll announce it on 14th in a post..all you need to do is accept the prize and we’ll email you the $60 free flowers code…

    Well done again – BRAVO!

  19. moooooog35 says:

    PoetrySue: PIMP? You became a hooker peddler while you were laughing?

    Christina: You actually had 17 words.

    Liar.

    BG: I suppose that explains the scar.

    Kellie: Um..the balls haunt YOU?! At least you’re SUPPOSED to see them.

    Knight: “Mental Poo: Misplacing lines since 2007.”

    Stacie: You’re welcome.

    Send money.

    LiLu: If you could keep the tagging discrete, I’d appreciate it. My wife reads this.

    Lbluca: GO WASH YOUR HANDS WOMAN!

    Bon Don: How you doin?

    Jen: Imagine my coworkers walking by while I’m putting all this shit together. How I still have a job, I have no idea.

    Going60: Wow. I’ve branched out to the elevator population?! AWESOME!

    rs27: It’s only Hell if you don’t get the reacharound.

    You’re right. Hell.

    Blink: I told you they’re terrorists. Told you.

    Olly: Sounds like a Disney Movie.

    A bad. Bad. Disney movie.

    Kevin: ixnay on the aiseray. Oh.

    You mean PAY RAISE.

    Nevermind.

    Patyrish: Um. Don’t all turds look like manatees?

    Malach: When you get your dick out of my mouth, I’ll check.

    Go Smell: I won something?!?

    Holy shit.

    I win flowers on the same day I import a picture of Abe Lincoln made of flowers as a bowel movement.

    Coincidence?

    Yeah. Probably.

  20. Mike says:

    OMG I almost shit myself.

    I had a similar experience once with an oriental fellow, but it wasn’t so bad. See, he was oriental, so his junk was hiding in the rainforest like one of those tiny little monkey’s that eat cockroaches.

  21. HeyJoe says:

    Brilliant Moog. The Mr. Kotter pubicle is CLASSIC.

  22. fiona says:

    SO you talk the talk but was it “good for you”? We “wummen” have to deal with this and enjoy it?
    Welcome to the “girls club” and yes YEUCH!! LOL

  23. Malicious Intent says:

    I WANT YOUR DRUGS…SHARE! IT’S VALENTINES DAY!

  24. Malicious Intent says:

    P.S. for some unexplainable reason I plugged you again in latest post, as a form of therapy. THERAPY, isn’t that a hoot!?!

  25. Buzzardbilly says:

    That was hilarious! And, it went well with the pancake breakfast I was eating. You, my friend, are funny as all hell. That’s assuming hell is funny instead of the way they describe in church.

  26. Regardez Moi says:

    OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

    That? Was the funniest blog post I’ve ever read. Ever.

    I’ll be back.

    minus that.

    ummm….

    see you around? ugh. see, this is why i leave parties without saying goodbye to anyone. it’s so awkward.

    I love your blog! (flashes boobs)

    – runs away –

  27. Laughing Soul says:

    That was hilarious! Thank you for that! Great post

  28. Jen says:

    That was great. This is probably why most womens’ locker rooms have private rooms for changing. Occasionally there is the woman who thinks she is all that who prances around the room but usually she is one of those chicks who refuses to shave anything and it is almost as bad as what you had to deal with. Okay not even close but still.

  29. Chat Blanc says:

    fucking hilarious!! now I must go purge images of your boss’s schweaty balls from my mind.

  30. moooooog35 says:

    Mike: What is it with people pissing and shitting themselves when they come here? I’m not selling burritos here.

    HeyJoe: What..? Where…? Who…?

    (Travolta just doesn’t come across in print)

    AV: I have to call my Pissing In My Pants then and request an Asian.

    Fiona: You wouldn’t have to deal with it if it was me.

    Smooth like a baby’s bum.

    Probably the wrong analogy to use there.

    MI: To say thanks, one of these days I’m going to plug YOU.

    Buzzardbilly: If Hell isn’t funny now, it should be when I show up (I’m bringing rubber chickens!)

    Regardez: Figures I was in the bathroom when you were flashing your boobs.

    Mooog: Having bad timing since forever.

    Laughing: You’re welcome – send money.

    Jen: Nothing says ‘sexy’ like a woman she-beast.

    So. Jealous.

    Chat: YOU’VE got to purge them?!? I’m still trying to scoop my eyes out with sporks.

  31. VE says:

    Ha! That is just too damn funny. You a sick, twisted, funny artist for sure! You go where no man wants to go…

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