F*ck My Ass

Posted: February 5, 2009 in gym, work, wtf

Before I start today, Lbluca77 has graciously submitted a movie review of “Step Brothers” which is now posted over on Moog’s Movie Reviews.

She wants me.

On a related note:

Who doesn’t?

Alright…alright…

Put your hands down.

Now…onward and upward!

(that’s what she said)

*******************

How Human Resources doesn’t have a hotline to my desk by now, I have no idea.

Let me explain.

I work out.

I work out five days a week.

I’m like a tiny, balding Adonis, but without the fig leaf covering my junk.

I tried the fig leaf thing once, but the people in the gym frowned upon it.

Men can be jealous bitches.


It also gave me a wicked ball rash. On the bright side, my crabs ran away after all the itching.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

Tooty had big tits.

But I’ve digressed.


Wednesday in the gym, for me, is “leg day.”

When I was a young fat shit, Wednesday was Prince Spaghetti Day.

I bet Anthony got some serious WOP ass in his day.

I think that’s a local reference.

If so, I’m not explaining it. God invented Google for a reason, you lazy pricks.

Last Wednesday, I did heavy squats.

This differs from Rosie O’Donnell’s ‘heavy squats’…

…which make me want to throw up a little when I picture it.


As a result of these squats…

…and not because of the blackout the night before…

…my ASS WAS FUCKING KILLING ME.

When you have ‘workout ass,’ things that you normally take for granted get difficult.

Things like:

1) Walking
2) Sitting
3) Going poo

Going poo really sucks with ‘workout ass,’ because as I’m sitting on the shitter, I end up saying stuff like:

“Ow…jeez.”

“Oh..man…that fucking hurts.

“Oh…oh, my ass!”

Sometimes, I may wimper.

This tends to confuse and/or panic the guy in the next stall.


Regardless, I was coming back up the stairs into my work area with my friend, Kristin, and was telling her how sore I was.

The three flights of stairs we had to climb up weren’t helping. My glutes…taut, muscular and stunning…were now fucking screaming at me to stop moving.

As we walked into the lab, I exclaimed:

“Fuck, my ass!”

It was at this EXACT moment, that three other people came from around the corner just in front of me.

Awesome.

My eyes met with the people turning the corner…

…all of them wondering who just yelled out:

“Fuck, my ass.”

Yep.

‘Twas me.

How you doin’?

“Fuck, my ass.”

Nice.

Hold on…my hotline is ringing.

Just curious:

Anyone out there hiring?

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