Dear Moog: Human Resources is on Line One

Posted: January 28, 2009 in Dear Moog, downloading porn with sheep asses will result in some awesome search results, my penis has wool on it


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where you talk, and I listen.

I’m kidding.

I’m a guy.

I don’t listen unless you somehow work the word ‘tits’ into the conversation.

Then I’m all ears.

..and maybe a little showing of penis.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

Today’s letter comes from GoingLikeSixty.

GoingLikeSixty has the distinct honor of having some really fucked up sites.

This one is my favorite:

Asian Women Holding Things

FYI – they’re holding televisions and shit.

Not what I want to see them holding, but a person with this kind of weird fetish is my kinda guy.

(GoingLikeSixty: Please forward your porn collection – I’m sure it’s pretty freaky. Thanks in advance.)


It’s been a while since I’ve had a “Dear Moog” letter…so my helpfulness may be a bit rusty.

FUCK OFF YOU STUPID DIPSHIT!!

Nope.

Sharp as a tack.


***************************
Letter #1:

Dear Moog,

Why are guys always arrested for DOWNLOADING

***************************
That was it?

Downloading what?! What did you download?!

Is it weird Asian freaky porn?

Are you forwarding it to me?

Don’t send it to my work email, I’m already on probation with Human Resources for the ‘fondling incident’ in the ladies’ room.

Janitors walk in at the most inopportune times.


Oh…wait…another email…

***************************
Dear Moog,

Shit. damn enter key just goes off too quickly… that’s what she said.

Anyway, like I was asking, why do guys get arrested for DOWNLOADING porn?

Don’t they realize that they don’t have to download it to see it?

Sincerely,

GoingLikeSixty

PS: can you be arrested because of your bookmarks?

****************************
Dear Going,

First off, I’m not sure why you’d get arrested for bookmarks.

Seriously, they’re pieces of fucking paper you have stuffed in page 72 of “Little Women.”

You can’t be arrested for your bookmarks unless you have a written confession and DNA evidence of the dismemberment of your neighbor with THE DOG WHO WON’T STOP BARKING MAYBE THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO SHUT THE DOG UP MAYBE DIE BITCH DIE DIE DIE..

ahem.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.


K. We’re back on track now.

“…downloading porn…

…Can be arrested…”

Um…

WHAT?!?!

I CAN GET ARRESTED FOR DOWNLOADING PORN?!?!

Like, just straight porn…or does it have to involve sheep and shit?

Let me know as soon as you can, because these farm pictures ain’t gonna delete themselves.

Thanks in advance.


Regardless, I’m assuming that you’re talking about the ‘bad porn’ here, and not just normal ‘I now need to go spend 5 minutes in the men’s room to wank myself’ porn.

I believe the types of porn you CAN be arrested for include:

1) Child Porn
2) Fat People Porn
3) Guy-on-Guy porn

Well…maybe you can’t be arrested for #2 and #3, but you should.

Freak.


Let’s answer your question.

A little tidbit that some people don’t know is that every image you view on every page of every website is actually downloaded to your computer.

This is called ‘cache.’

I know this because I work in the computer industry.

Then I couldn’t think of what it was called so I Googled ‘what is it called when shit is saved on your hard drive temporarily’ and that word ‘cache’ came up.

Seriously – sometimes if it wasn’t for Google and Wikipedia, I probably wouldn’t have a job.

I’d probably be working in midget porn.

Stupid Google and Wikipedia.

KILLERS OF DREAMS!!


Sorry..sorry…

Cache.

Currently, the sheer volume of cache on my computer taken up by pictures of ‘tits’ and ‘ass’ and ‘sheep with nice tits and asses’ is causing my system to shit the bed every ten min

* reboot *

Sorry.

Had another window open with a Megan Fox side boob shot.

That reboot was SO worth it.


So, every once in a while, go into your browser settings and clear that shit out.

Then format your computer and rebuild it nightly.

You never ever know when that knock on the door is cockblocker, Chris Hansen.


Helpful Tip: Remember to save off your wife’s shit and restore it or she’ll be on to you.

Of course, if she was “on to you” in the first place, NO NEED FOR PORN!

Look at that.

Even some advice for the ladies.

You’re welcome.

Moog out.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.

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Comments
  1. Mike says:

    Dood, why didn’t you do midget porn?

    You could have been the “midget giant”.

    You would have gotten all the best midget pussy with your enormous midget penis.

    Just saying.

  2. LBluca77 says:

    No wonder the prisons are so over crowded. You better be careful moog or you might find yourself dropping the soap.

  3. mauniejames3 says:

    Your such a bad bad man….

  4. Buzzardbilly says:

    And here I was expecting to see your photoshop artistry on the pic of my mouth showing off Blackie Lawless (the cavity from hell). You are a midge of many wonders, my friend.

    On a totally Dear Moogworthy note, I had a friend who used a contraceptive sponge. Those sponges get shoved to the end of the vagicavern and have a loop you can use to pull it back out after the sexin’s done. She couldn’t reach the loop (some caverns are deeper than others, you know). She asked her female friends to help her remove the spoodged up sponge of love. They all said no. What would your advice to her have been?

  5. Giggle Pixie says:

    LOL@Bessie likes it rough!!!

  6. moooooog35 says:

    Mike: I’m still available if the price is right.

    lbluca: two words:

    Soap-on-a-rope.

    Actually…that’s either one word or four.

    Forgot where I was going with that.

    Maunie: it’s like you don’t even know me.

    Buzzardbilly: In the interest of preserving my marriage, I will not be photoshopping my wiggly into your decrepit, cavity laden mouth.

    As hot as that sounds.

    To your friend, I would have offered this advice:

    Call me.

    Giggle: Word.

    What?

  7. Malicious Intent says:

    Um……

  8. LiLu says:

    @Buzzardbilly: I don’t know a girl who doesn’t have a variation of that story, for serious. The only answer is try, try, try again… and then go to the doctor.

    They’ve seen it 5 times that week already anyway.

    Or those barbeque tongs. Those work too.

  9. fiona says:

    CachĂ© is a nationwide, women’s specialty retailer.
    Hmmmm So saith Google.
    I think your fibbing…;)

  10. Buzzardbilly says:

    Moog, I didn’t expect you to use a real live Mr. Wiggly, much less the one betrothed to your Mrs. Wiggly. That’s why I was interested. I wondered what oddity you would either paste or draw in there. Now, the wonder’s past.

    To Lilu: Tongs!! My labia slapped shut at the mere sight of that word.

  11. moooooog35 says:

    MI: Well put!

    LiLu: *inserting fingers in ears and yelling ‘lalalalalalala’*

    Fiona: See? Shit like this is why women need to stick to making cookies.

    http://www.cyberisle.com/news/cache_clear.htm

    I like oatmeal raisin.

    Thanks in advance.

    BuzzardBilly: Please…make this conversation stop…

  12. Stacie says:

    can you go over those steps again, a little slower this time?

  13. rs27 says:

    You should also be arrested for 3some porn with two dudes.

    Two penises is two too many

  14. Kellie says:

    Some dude at my college got busted looking at midget and amputee porn in the college computer lab. What the hell was he thinking doing that in public? I save my paraplegic and animal porn for home.

  15. Malach the Merciless says:

    THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN! WIVES AND WORKPLACES NEED TO REALIZE THIS!

  16. moooooog35 says:

    Stacie: Sorry. If you know me, I do everything really really fast.

    Everything.

    It’s my curse.

    rs27: That’s what the siamese twins said!

    Hello? This thing on?

    Kellie: Amen, sista.

    Malach: Preaching to the choir, my friend…preaching. to the. choir.

  17. From The Inside Out says:

    I was reading last night and realized I needed a bookmark.

    When my body recovers from laughing so hard, i think I might print yours and cut it out for my book mark…

  18. meleah rebeccah says:

    Thanks for clarifying all of my downloading of porn questions.

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