Dear Moog: Human Resources is on Line One

Posted: January 28, 2009 in Dear Moog, sex

It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where you talk, and I listen.

I’m kidding.

I’m a guy.

I don’t listen unless you somehow work the word ‘tits’ into the conversation.

Then I’m all ears.

..and maybe a little showing of penis.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.

Today’s letter comes from GoingLikeSixty.

GoingLikeSixty has the distinct honor of having some really fucked up sites.

This one is my favorite:

Asian Women Holding Things

FYI – they’re holding televisions and shit.

Not what I want to see them holding, but a person with this kind of weird fetish is my kinda guy.

(GoingLikeSixty: Please forward your porn collection – I’m sure it’s pretty freaky. Thanks in advance.)

It’s been a while since I’ve had a “Dear Moog” letter…so my helpfulness may be a bit rusty.



Sharp as a tack.

Letter #1:

Dear Moog,

Why are guys always arrested for DOWNLOADING

That was it?

Downloading what?! What did you download?!

Is it weird Asian freaky porn?

Are you forwarding it to me?

Don’t send it to my work email, I’m already on probation with Human Resources for the ‘fondling incident’ in the ladies’ room.

Janitors walk in at the most inopportune times.

Oh…wait…another email…

Dear Moog,

Shit. damn enter key just goes off too quickly… that’s what she said.

Anyway, like I was asking, why do guys get arrested for DOWNLOADING porn?

Don’t they realize that they don’t have to download it to see it?



PS: can you be arrested because of your bookmarks?

Dear Going,

First off, I’m not sure why you’d get arrested for bookmarks.

Seriously, they’re pieces of fucking paper you have stuffed in page 72 of “Little Women.”

You can’t be arrested for your bookmarks unless you have a written confession and DNA evidence of the dismemberment of your neighbor with THE DOG WHO WON’T STOP BARKING MAYBE THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO SHUT THE DOG UP MAYBE DIE BITCH DIE DIE DIE..


Perhaps I’ve said too much.

K. We’re back on track now.

“…downloading porn…

…Can be arrested…”




Like, just straight porn…or does it have to involve sheep and shit?

Let me know as soon as you can, because these farm pictures ain’t gonna delete themselves.

Thanks in advance.

Regardless, I’m assuming that you’re talking about the ‘bad porn’ here, and not just normal ‘I now need to go spend 5 minutes in the men’s room to wank myself’ porn.

I believe the types of porn you CAN be arrested for include:

1) Child Porn
2) Fat People Porn
3) Guy-on-Guy porn

Well…maybe you can’t be arrested for #2 and #3, but you should.


Let’s answer your question.

A little tidbit that some people don’t know is that every image you view on every page of every website is actually downloaded to your computer.

This is called ‘cache.’

I know this because I work in the computer industry.

Then I couldn’t think of what it was called so I Googled ‘what is it called when shit is saved on your hard drive temporarily’ and that word ‘cache’ came up.

Seriously – sometimes if it wasn’t for Google and Wikipedia, I probably wouldn’t have a job.

I’d probably be working in midget porn.

Stupid Google and Wikipedia.




Currently, the sheer volume of cache on my computer taken up by pictures of ‘tits’ and ‘ass’ and ‘sheep with nice tits and asses’ is causing my system to shit the bed every ten min

* reboot *


Had another window open with a Megan Fox side boob shot.

That reboot was SO worth it.

So, every once in a while, go into your browser settings and clear that shit out.

Then format your computer and rebuild it nightly.

You never ever know when that knock on the door is cockblocker, Chris Hansen.

Helpful Tip: Remember to save off your wife’s shit and restore it or she’ll be on to you.

Of course, if she was “on to you” in the first place, NO NEED FOR PORN!

Look at that.

Even some advice for the ladies.

You’re welcome.

Moog out.

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.

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