May God have mercy on our souls.
We had no water in the office on Friday.
I craftily deduced this using sheer investigative skills and a keen mind.
Also, a man in the locker room at work looked at me and said:
“We have no water.”
Damn, I’m good.
Suck it, “60 Minutes!”
I had just finished working out in the gym, and – as I’m wont to do – was sweating like Chris Farley at a tamale-eating contest.
“There’s maybe just a trickle coming out of the head.”
That’s what she said.
I can work with that.
At 5’2″ tall and 152 pounds (OF SHEER RIPPED AND CARVED MUSCLE!!), I don’t have much surface area to cover.
So, realizing that my other option was to show back upstairs looking and smelling like Pigpen from Charlie Brown, I opted for the trickle.
Three hours later, I emerged…
…looking like a tiny, sparkly clean Adonis.
Apparently, someone had eaten the entire population of Malaysia and was currently shitting them out.
As I stood there at the urinal, holding my breath…
(Jesus, Mary and Joseph…it smells like death and/or Rosie O’Donnell’s vulva in here)
…and deftly aiming for the booger that someone had flicked into the urinal…
Me: “BANG!! TAKE THAT!! GOTCHA!!“
…I heard the Malaysian-Devourer (“MD”) try to flush.
M-D: “No water?”
Me: “No water.”
M-D: “That’s just great.”
Me: “Yeah, well…not for the next guy who needs to take a shit in there.”
That poor, poor ‘next guy.’
He knows not what Hell awaits him in the toilet bowl.
Malaysians can be stinky when you can’t flush ’em.