Somebody’s Baking Brownies

Posted: January 12, 2009 in friends, poop, work

Before I start today, I have a new movie review of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button over on Moog’s Movie Reviews.

That’s it.

Carry on.

Now…
********************

May God have mercy on our souls.

We had no water in the office on Friday.

I craftily deduced this using sheer investigative skills and a keen mind.

Also, a man in the locker room at work looked at me and said:

“We have no water.”

Damn, I’m good.

Suck it, “60 Minutes!”

I had just finished working out in the gym, and – as I’m wont to do – was sweating like Chris Farley at a tamale-eating contest.


The guy who helped me solve the “where did the water go” mystery said:

“There’s maybe just a trickle coming out of the head.”

That’s what she said.

A trickle?

I can work with that.

At 5’2″ tall and 152 pounds (OF SHEER RIPPED AND CARVED MUSCLE!!), I don’t have much surface area to cover.

So, realizing that my other option was to show back upstairs looking and smelling like Pigpen from Charlie Brown, I opted for the trickle.

Three hours later, I emerged…

…looking like a tiny, sparkly clean Adonis.


About 20 minutes after that, I headed into the men’s room to pee.

Me: “MOTHER OF GOD….GAAACK!!”

Apparently, someone had eaten the entire population of Malaysia and was currently shitting them out.

As I stood there at the urinal, holding my breath…

(Jesus, Mary and Joseph…it smells like death and/or Rosie O’Donnell’s vulva in here)

…and deftly aiming for the booger that someone had flicked into the urinal…

Me: “BANG!! TAKE THAT!! GOTCHA!!

…I heard the Malaysian-Devourer (“MD”) try to flush.

*click*

*clickety-click*

Nothing.

M-D: “FUCK.


As I was busily trying to work dry soap foam into my hands with a paper towel, M-D looked at me as he exited the stall.

M-D: “No water?”

Me: “No water.”

M-D: “That’s just great.”

Me: “Yeah, well…not for the next guy who needs to take a shit in there.”

That poor, poor ‘next guy.’

He knows not what Hell awaits him in the toilet bowl.

Malaysians can be stinky when you can’t flush ’em.

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