Somebody’s Baking Brownies

Posted: January 12, 2009 in friends, poop, work

Before I start today, I have a new movie review of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button over on Moog’s Movie Reviews.

That’s it.

Carry on.


May God have mercy on our souls.

We had no water in the office on Friday.

I craftily deduced this using sheer investigative skills and a keen mind.

Also, a man in the locker room at work looked at me and said:

“We have no water.”

Damn, I’m good.

Suck it, “60 Minutes!”

I had just finished working out in the gym, and – as I’m wont to do – was sweating like Chris Farley at a tamale-eating contest.

The guy who helped me solve the “where did the water go” mystery said:

“There’s maybe just a trickle coming out of the head.”

That’s what she said.

A trickle?

I can work with that.

At 5’2″ tall and 152 pounds (OF SHEER RIPPED AND CARVED MUSCLE!!), I don’t have much surface area to cover.

So, realizing that my other option was to show back upstairs looking and smelling like Pigpen from Charlie Brown, I opted for the trickle.

Three hours later, I emerged…

…looking like a tiny, sparkly clean Adonis.

About 20 minutes after that, I headed into the men’s room to pee.


Apparently, someone had eaten the entire population of Malaysia and was currently shitting them out.

As I stood there at the urinal, holding my breath…

(Jesus, Mary and Joseph…it smells like death and/or Rosie O’Donnell’s vulva in here)

…and deftly aiming for the booger that someone had flicked into the urinal…


…I heard the Malaysian-Devourer (“MD”) try to flush.





As I was busily trying to work dry soap foam into my hands with a paper towel, M-D looked at me as he exited the stall.

M-D: “No water?”

Me: “No water.”

M-D: “That’s just great.”

Me: “Yeah, well…not for the next guy who needs to take a shit in there.”

That poor, poor ‘next guy.’

He knows not what Hell awaits him in the toilet bowl.

Malaysians can be stinky when you can’t flush ’em.

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