Tis the F*cking Season

Posted: December 22, 2008 in Christmas, driving, holidays, I'm an asshole

Joy to the World!

Nah…fuck ’em.

Just a sampling of how joyous the fucking holidays make me feel.

Things I’ve caught myself saying in the past few days:

Catch the spirit!

Scene #1:

Walking up the stairs with Kristin in my work building, looking at the 60 mph wind gusts outside.

Kristin: “Holy shit. Look at this wind.”

Me: “I should go home and let my dog out. Maybe she’ll fucking blow away. “

I hate my dog.

Scene #2:

Standing in the “Self Checkout” line holding a venus flytrap (don’t ask) while waiting for a guy to finish bagging his groceries himself.

* 10 minutes pass

Me: “Jesus H. Christ. How stupid is this guy? Just scan your shit, dude.”

Wife: “Shhhhh.. you’re so rude.”

Me: “Seriously. All I have is a fucking venus flytrap and this fat douche has been up here trying to scan his shit for a fucking hour.”

(people behind us smile nervously)

Wife: “You’re very loud.”

Me: “Oh. Yippee. He’s asking for cigarettes now. This is awesome.”

Wife: “Cut it out.”

Me: “On the bright side, with any luck, he’ll be dead from cancer soon.”

Scenes #3, 4, 5, 6 and 7:

Behind anyone, anywhere, while driving in my car.

Scene #3:

Sitting at a 3-way (OOOH! A 3-way!) stop with NOT A SINGLE OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN SIGHT while this asshole just sits there waiting to turn:



I wanted him to, you know…GO.

Scenes #4, 5, 6 and 7:

Stuck behind slow, stupid pricks:

Me: “Seriously, dude. If you don’t drive that thing I’m going to reach in and pull you out of your car by your fucking hair.”

Road rage road-side beatings: The perfect gift!

Me: “Asshole, it’s the little pedal on the right!”

I swear some people have no idea where the fucking gas pedal is.

Me: “Good thing you bought the fucking turbo version, douche.”

Why do people by the turbo/supercharged versions of cars if they’re just going to drive the fucking speed limit, or under it? Use the goddamn thing.

Me: “C’mon, grandpa…fucking move it…you’re gonna be dead soon.”


You’d think old people would want to drive FASTER.

I mean, how much time do they really have left?

You think they’d want to get to where they’re fucking going as soon as possible before they kick it.

Happy Fucking Holidays.

Now…get out of my way.



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