Tis the F*cking Season

Posted: December 22, 2008 in Christmas, driving, holidays, I'm an asshole

Joy to the World!

Nah…fuck ’em.


Just a sampling of how joyous the fucking holidays make me feel.

Things I’ve caught myself saying in the past few days:

Catch the spirit!

********************
Scene #1:

Walking up the stairs with Kristin in my work building, looking at the 60 mph wind gusts outside.

Kristin: “Holy shit. Look at this wind.”

Me: “I should go home and let my dog out. Maybe she’ll fucking blow away. “

I hate my dog.

****************
Scene #2:

Standing in the “Self Checkout” line holding a venus flytrap (don’t ask) while waiting for a guy to finish bagging his groceries himself.

* 10 minutes pass

Me: “Jesus H. Christ. How stupid is this guy? Just scan your shit, dude.”

Wife: “Shhhhh.. you’re so rude.”

Me: “Seriously. All I have is a fucking venus flytrap and this fat douche has been up here trying to scan his shit for a fucking hour.”

(people behind us smile nervously)

Wife: “You’re very loud.”

Me: “Oh. Yippee. He’s asking for cigarettes now. This is awesome.”

Wife: “Cut it out.”

Me: “On the bright side, with any luck, he’ll be dead from cancer soon.”

*********************
Scenes #3, 4, 5, 6 and 7:

Behind anyone, anywhere, while driving in my car.

Scene #3:

Sitting at a 3-way (OOOH! A 3-way!) stop with NOT A SINGLE OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN SIGHT while this asshole just sits there waiting to turn:

Me: “JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY WILL YOU JUST TURN THE FUCKING CORNER?!? TURN!! MOTHERFUCKER TURN!! NO ONE IS COMING!!”

Ahem.

I wanted him to, you know…GO.


***************
Scenes #4, 5, 6 and 7:

Stuck behind slow, stupid pricks:

Me: “Seriously, dude. If you don’t drive that thing I’m going to reach in and pull you out of your car by your fucking hair.”

Road rage road-side beatings: The perfect gift!

Me: “Asshole, it’s the little pedal on the right!”

I swear some people have no idea where the fucking gas pedal is.

Me: “Good thing you bought the fucking turbo version, douche.”

Why do people by the turbo/supercharged versions of cars if they’re just going to drive the fucking speed limit, or under it? Use the goddamn thing.

Me: “C’mon, grandpa…fucking move it…you’re gonna be dead soon.”

Seriously.

You’d think old people would want to drive FASTER.

I mean, how much time do they really have left?

You think they’d want to get to where they’re fucking going as soon as possible before they kick it.

*****************
Happy Fucking Holidays.

Now…get out of my way.

Asshole.

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