Ice, Ice Baby

Posted: December 15, 2008 in about me, rants, wtf

Damn you water…WHY MUST YOU FREEZE?!?!

Stupid science.

If you haven’t heard, the Northeast United States got socked with an ice storm this past weekend.

This left 1.25 million people and businesses without power.

I was one of those people.

At about midnight, Thursday, our power went out and stayed out for over 36 fucking hours as temperatures in Southern New Hampshire hovered around 22 degrees.

(that’s 22 degrees Farenheit…I have no idea what that is in Celsius…maybe -712.pi or some shit…honestly…I don’t give a shit about Celsius).

As I write this, about 250,000 people are still without power.

Wow.
SUCKAS!!

Here’s what I learned during our family’s ordeal:

1) Everyone goes out for breakfast when the power goes out

At about 9:00 a.m on Friday morning, it was starting to get really cold in the house. We decided to pack up the kids and drive around looking at all the tree damage…and then decided to try to find breakfast.

Apparently, everyone else had this idea.

IHOP – which had power – was fucking packed.

We waited about 30 minutes in a waiting area roughly the size of my colon.

On a related note, IHOP’S “stuffed french toast” is the greatest invention ever made.

I would have sex with strawberry stuffed french toast if I could guarantee that they wouldn’t throw me out of the restaurant.

Again.

2) I feel for those who must go without

My family and I had to stay at a hotel on Friday night.

As with the IHOP idea, everyone else had this same thought as the nearest hotel I could get into was 20 friggin’ miles away.

However, as I sat there in the hotel room on my double bed…

…with my kids sitting next to us on their double bed, I started to think.

I started to think about people who, you know…

…are less fortunate than myself.

People who have to deal with these things EVERY day.

Things like:

a) holy crap…I can’t watch this 32″ inch non-HD television after being used to my 60″ HD Sony.

Do some people actually still HAVE televisions like this?

Those poor things!

Their HBO On-Demand must suck!

b) What’s in these pillows? Foam?!

MY GOD…how do people sleep without down pillows?!?

c) Somewhere…out there…a family can only afford a room with one double bed and maybe a pull-out sofa.

Some people may only be able to afford a single king in a SMOKING room.

We should count our blessings.

Seriously…

…this shit tugs at your heartstrings.


3) I’ve been to Hell

That’s right.

I’ve seen the bowels of Hell itself, and the darkest side of mankind.

Yes, I’m talking about:

The free continental breakfast you get at the hotel.

Jesus H. Christ.

It’s like a subway station in New York at rush hour, except there’s a table of free muffins there.

Hell gets WAY worse if there are those “do-it-yourself waffle makers” in the room and either one is broken or the fucking moron in front of you has no fucking idea how to USE THE THING ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE A FUCKING WAFFLE!!

That’s some serious “Book of Revelation” shit right there, my friends.

4) Pre-Pubescent Girls are Stupid

There we are, family of four waiting for a table to clear up at this stupid fucking breakfast thing…

…while two girls, maybe 12/13 years old are sitting at a four-person table.

One of them is drinking cocoa.

The other one is peeling an orange. But not just peeling the fucking thing…no…she has to make sure that EVERY SINGLE BIT OF PEEL OR THAT WEIRD WHITE STUFF is off the orange.

This takes 3 hours.

GET OUT!! GET OUT YOU STUPID LITTLE BITCHES!! GET OUT!! YOU CAN DRINK COCOA STANDING UP YOU LITTLE TWAT!!

This is why the Little Rascals started the “He Man Woman-Haters Club.”

Because of a cocoa incident at a Marriott.

Really. Can’t blame ’em.

5) My neighbors hate me

My neighbors had all or some of the following happen:

a) trees fall on their houses
b) giant branches crack off and fall in their yards
c) power lines ripped from their homes
d) flood damage from the rising river behind my house

Us?

Nothing.

Not a branch down, not a drop of water…anywhere on my property.

My neighbor was talking to my wife:

Neighbor: Man…we’ve got a foot of water in our basement…the electric service has been ripped from the side of the house…and look…this branch has torn through our wooden picket fence.

Wife: Wow. That’s horrible.

Neighbor: What’s your damage?

Wife: Um…nothing.

* cricket

Neighbor: No branches down? No water in your basement? No damage…anywhere?

Wife: Nope.

Neighbor: Wow. Must be nice to be the Schwarzenneger’s.*

* Last name changed. I think this is appropriate for a made-up last name since I’m quite the physical specimen.

So – we’ve got power now.

And I’m very thankful for this.

So thankful, in fact, that I’m going to celebrate by playing my XBOX 360 for about two hours.

Either that, or maybe I’ll play with the Wii.

I haven’t decided.

So, let’s reflect and think about those less fortunate than ourselves.

Some people only have an old Playstation or something.

Sad, really. Makes you think.

Moog out.

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