All Dan Wants for Christmas

Posted: December 11, 2008 in friends, I'm an asshole, work, wtf

Maybe it hurts when he sticks it in.

Maybe it’s just easier to NOT stuff it in there.

You know…less chance of bleeding.

Plus, he gets to play in the hole with his tongue all day long.

The tooth.

I mean, the tooth.

You sick bastards.

The guy I sit next to the other day came into work and sat down at the desk next to me.

Me: “Morning, Dan.”

Dan: “Morning.”

He smiled.


I sat there…


Well…not really stunned…more indifferent with a tiny bit of morning gas…but for the sake of poetic license:


There…in the space where, just yesterday, sat a gleaming white incisor was…was….


Now, granted, I live in New Hampshire and toothless hillbillies are pretty much common around these parts (they can provide you with the BEST sheep sedative…let me know if you’re interested an I’ll hook you up)

…but the problem here was:

He had a tooth YESTERDAY.


No tooth today.


Where did it go?

Did it up and leave him in the middle of the night?

Dan: “Incisor!! I’m HOOOOME!


Dan: “Um…why are you packing?”

Tooth: “I found THIS in your jacket pocket!!”

She produces…

a gold crown.

“Now…that’s NOT mine, and I know it’s not Jimmy Molar’s back there because his is F*CKING SILVER YOU ASSHOLE…so you TELL ME…WHO’S CROWN IS IT?!?

This probably didn’t happen.

Confused, I rolled over to Kristin.

No – I’m not fat – my chair has wheels.

As a side note, I can glide, like, 20 feet across the floor in this chair. It’s completely f*cking AWESOME.

I’m 8 years old.

Me: “Hey…question.”

Kristin: “What’s up?”

(supress bad thought…supress bad thought)

Me: “Is Dan missing a f*cking tooth?”

Kristin: “Yeah. Sometimes he doesn’t put it in.”



How do you decide one morning to NOT put your tooth in?

Do you think people won’t f*cking notice that you have a giant gap in THE FRONT OF YOUR MOUTH?

Does a fake tooth need a vacation?

Did it get up this morning, look at Dan and say, “No…you go on without me…I’m sleeping in.”

How do teeth talk? Do they have their own teeth?

I need help.

I was just curious as to why you would go to the trouble of getting a fake tooth…then NOT put it in. I can see if it was, say, a back molar or something that no one is going to notice…but a FRONT tooth?

Put the f*cking thing in.

You look like Laurence Fishburne.

Oh…his is just a gap.

Maybe Dan can let him borrow the fake tooth to fill it.

I know he’s not using it.


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