Fuck Alton Brown

Posted: December 3, 2008 in holidays, I'm an asshole, rants, thanksgiving

That’s right.


For those of you who don’t know who Alton Brown is, he’s some asshole on the Food Network who “guaranteed” that my Thanksgiving turkey would be fantastic if we just followed his instructions.

Now, let’s be clear:

I don’t really like turkey.

However, I will eat it just because it is an animal and I know this shit pisses off dickwads like PETA.

Fuck it…let’s cook two.

My kids don’t like turkey.

My wife doesn’t like turkey.

So why, year after year, my father-in-law insists on buying a turkey that’s roughly the size of a small car, I have no fucking clue.

Since we make turkey once a year, I have to figure out how to cook it.

This year, my wife insisted that we should follow “Alton Brown” and his turkey-cooking-method to get the best turkey.

She even Tivo’d his Thanksgiving show to make sure we had it right.

All I heard was “Alton says..,” and “Alton did this..” and “Alton, Alton, Alton” whenever I asked a question about the turkey, or fantasized about him in the shower with a fresh bar of Dial soap.


Too much info there.

Fine. We’ll follow Alton.

The results?

Here goes:

Alton said to remove the turkey when it reached 151 degrees.

He GUARANTEED that it would go up to 165 degrees – or higher – during the half-hour you were supposed to let it sit.

This would result in a PERFECTLY COOKED BIRD!!


The two people coming over who actually eat this shit should be pleased!

I set the temperature alarm for 155 degrees…because I don’t trust people who wear glasses.

On a side note, I wear glasses. This is why I usually ignore the voices in my head.

Hilda, the evil gnome in my skull cannot be believed!!



So I pull the stupid fucking turkey out at 155.

10 minutes go by.

15 minutes go by.

Oh…look! It went up a whole fucking degree!

25 minutes go by.

At this point, it’s at – like – 161 degrees.

Fucking Alton Brown.

At about 35 minutes it goes up to 163 and stays there.

So much for your fucking guarantee, Alton.

Nothing says ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ better than giving your relatives salmonella poisoning.


Since Thanksgiving is now almost over, we decide to just cut the fucking thing up and nuke it if we have to.

I also watched my mother ‘dismantle the carcass’ so she could make soup later.

I also believe that ‘dismantle the carcass’ is the term she gives to having sex with my 80-year-old stepfather.

I wish she’d stop talking, sometimes.

The rest of the bird was raw and bloody.

This is perfect to give to my dog for her suppers.

(I’m trying to kill her)

I should ship some of this raw shit to Alton Brown…maybe it will kill him as well.

If that doesn’t work, I can always do what Hilda says I should.

She has good ideas sometimes.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s