Don’t Stand So Close To Me

Posted: November 24, 2008 in bathroom, rants

A Rule is a Rule.

..unless it’s an Indian guy…

Then Arul is Arul.

(symbols crash)

Thank you for your kind applause. I’m here all week.

Okay…on to my topic…

I long while back, my buddy Spazoid wrote about some basic bathroom rules.

Personally, I have a few that I’ve written about already:

1) Washing your hands

2) Talking to me while I’m in there (seriously…SHUT. THE F*CK. UP)

3) The Joy of BWB (although not a rule…worthy of a mention)


…my recent second viewing of Iron Man reminded me of this rule:

Thou Shalt Not Pee in a Urinal That’s RIGHT NEXT to Another Guy

Men, we all know this rule.

If Moses hadn’t broken that other tablet, it would be Commandment #11.

Friggin’ butterfingers.

Anyway…about this rule…

If you walk into a bathroom with two urinals, and one is already being used, you have three options:

1) Go into a stall instead

2) Hold it in

3) Join the filming of a “golden shower” movie already in progress

Under NO circumstance should you stand RIGHT NEXT to another man at a urinal.

Exceptions to this rule are:

1) You’re at a sporting events
2) You’re gay

That said, here’s what happened to me at the theater.

I walked into the men’s room to go wee wee.

The urinals were laid out as follows:

Child – Child – Adult – Adult -Adult – Adult

For ease of reference, I’m marking them with numbers in the picture below.

When I got there, there was already a guy whizzing into urinal #6.

Per the “can’t stand right next to another guy pissing” rule, I – of course – took urinal #4.

As soon as I started to go, I heard someone walk in.

This guy was, like, 6-foot-4.

He stopped.

He quickly did the math.

The only free adult urinals available were directly next to either me, or the guy at the end.

But…as I said…


Of course, Gigantor wandered to the end, and started peeing in the kiddie urinal.

There I am, all 5-foot-2 of me, standing at the adult urinal…

…while the Jolly Green Giant had to contort himself into some weird Yoga stance in order to get his schlong to reach down into the kid’s urinal…

…to avoid peeing all over the wall.

But, as I said.

We have RULES.

Just don’t ask me to repeat them in the bathroom.

We’re not supposed to talk in there.


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