Happy Anniversary, Loser

Posted: November 10, 2008 in holidays, wife


So, you ask – how did the anniversary go?

Um…

Let’s have the readers take a quiz.

Rodney’s 13th Wedding Anniversary Included:

A) A massive fight
B) A massive fight that caused one person to call the other person “a loser”
C) Children crying hysterically because of said massive fight
D) All of the above

If you said “D,” then go f*ck yourself.

Seriously, I’m not in the mood to give out prizes.


Why the fight?

Because I got my wife something.

*********************
If you’re patient and continue to read this, you’ll find a portion of what she got at the end of the post.

(You can also skip ahead and just watch it – I don’t deduct points for skimming)
*********************

But we fought because I gave her something.

You see, we had a deal.

The deal was that we wouldn’t get each other anything.

Nothing.

Nada.

Per the signed and notarized document, neither person in the legally binding marriage was allowed to get the other person anything other than a card for this anniversary.

I did not make good on this deal.


Honestly, I always thought that when a woman says, “don’t get me anything,” it actually means, “you’d better get me something or you’re dead.”

Not this time.

In all honesty, I didn’t GET her anything.

I MADE her something.

A video. I made her a video and put it on a DVD – complete with music, and credits, etc., etc.

The video was three parts – the first part (that you’ll see below) is a re-enactment of how we met.

The second part was a montage of pictures of the two of us set to music.

The third part was a music video of me singing karaoke to “Have I Told You Lately that I Love You,” while the my son and daughter were dressed up as rock stars (son on guitar, daughter on keyboard).

For those of you saying:

Ladies: “Oh my God. How hopelessly romantic! Why can’t I have a man like that?”

Guys: “You f*cking loser. You’re making us all look bad! Cut the shit!”

Know this:

This gift is from the same guy who once got his wife a coffee maker for her birthday.

I believe I also gave her the wonderful gift of dumbbells for another anniversary.

See. Most times I MISS.

Regardless…how was this labor of love received?

For your reference, see “A,” “B,” and “C” above.

You see, I broke the deal.

She didn’t get me anything and felt very badly about it – and the fact that I BROKE THE DEAL.

I knew she felt bad and angry about this – because now she felt guilty.

We made a pact – and I took that pact, chewed it up and pooped it out and then ate the poop and pooped it out again.

Jesus Christ.

That was f*cking disgusting.

Sorry about that.


Regardless, my bad…and lesson learned.

I Got it. “Nothing” means “nothing.” When we say we’re not getting each other anything, I will now completely refrain from getting or making you jack shit.

Jeez.

Eventually, she watched the whole DVD and I think she liked it.

For your review, here’s Part One of the video I made (“Rod and Jen – The Beginning”).

In order to keep my freakish good looks and my wife’s security a secret, it’s the only portion of the DVD that will be posted here…as the others have pictures/video of me and her and I like to remain mysteriously anonymous.

Enjoy. Here it is.


And guys, “nothing” means “nothing.” Except on Valentine’s Day and Birthdays.

I think.

I’m so screwed.

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