My Grabby Bunghole

Posted: October 29, 2008 in about me, poop, wtf


Maybe the little guy is hungry.

Let me explain.

It’s something that I’ve noticed recently…

… and is curbing towards a disturbing trend in my daily poo activities.

I have a grabby bunghole.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on, but for the past several weeks I’ve noticed that during my post-poo ass wiping, my asshole grabs the toilet paper as it’s going by.

Me: “I’m wiping…I’m wiping…I’m wiping wiping wiping…I’m…what the…?”

*rriiiiiiiiiiipp*

As my hand deftly goes by “Mr. Brown”, he grabs the toilet paper and rips off a little piece.

And, yes…I have an ass-wiping song.


Why, bumhole? WHY?

Why must you grab at my poopy paper and feel the urge to keep some for yourself?

Are you hungry now, since you just purged?

Sometimes, when this happens, I swear I hear in a tiny little voice as the paper is being torn:

“Num num num num num”


So, yeah…maybe he’s hungry.

Doesn’t matter…I now have a stray piece of TP that needs removal.

Me: “Sonofabitch.”

Guy in next stall: “Can you stop singing and talking, please?”

Now I have to do some disgusting maneuver where I drop the larger piece of TP, and have to try to expel the tiny ripped bit of paper – now held in a death-grip by my bunghole – by using some weird male Kegel exercise in reverse.

Nope.

Paper is still there.


“DAMN YOU, WEAK SPHINCTER!! WHY MUST YOU TAUNT ME?!?”

Guy in next stall: “For the love of God…Please stop.”

At this point, I have no other choice.

I have to use the skill and precision of a person playing the game “Operation” to try to remove the paper without getting poo on my hands.


“Don’t touch the sides…! OH NO!! You’ve got poopy hands!!”

Sometimes my nose lights up and a buzzer goes off. I’m not sure of the medical cause of this, but I may need to see a doctor about it.

While I’m there, I’ll have him inspect my grabby bunghole.

I hope he’s better at Operation than I am.

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