Opening an Old Wound

Posted: October 27, 2008 in manscaping, pain and suffering, vasectomy


Going to bed the other night, my wife says:

Wife: “Hey…you know, you’re coming up on your year anniversary of your vasectomy.”

Her foreplay sucks.

But, as I looked back, sure enough it’s been just about a year since I had my nuts shaved, ripped open, hacked, cauterized (look! ball-smoke!), and subsequently put on ice.

Me: “Thanks for reminding me.”

For those of you who did NOT go through this fantasmical voyage, I present to you with my first Post-Op article:

“Great Balls of Ice”

As a side note, my wife also mentioned this:

Wife: “You know, I still have the large candy bar from the calendar.”

Ah…“My Icky Sticky Advent Calendar.”

Again, for those of you not with me at the time, one of my requirements post-vasectomy was to self-abuse my Mr. Wiggly, like, 25 times or something before I could go back to have the sperm count checked.

As a side note, I probably could have pulled this off in about two days with the proper lubricant.

To mark this countdown, my wife created a porno-Advent calendar – where after every *sploop* I’d get to eat a mini “3 Musketeers” bar.

At the end, I’d get to eat a FULL SIZED ONE!!

(small things excite me)


Regardless, apparently I never ate the big one (that’s what she said)…and she saved it.

Wife: “It’s kind of like saving the top of a wedding cake and eating it on your one-year anniversary.”

Me: “Yeah..um…except it’s a candy bar, and I don’t really want to celebrate this.”

Damn. She’s twisted.

But, hey! CANDY!!

(again..small things)

Here, in it’s original format, is my post:


“Great Balls of Ice”

In re-reading this, I see that I was planning on sitting down to watch the Red Sox in the World Series. No such luck this year.

Bitch.

Anyway – Enjoy.

*******************


Well, it’s over.

At approximately 11:30 a.m., on October 25, 2007, I took two shots of novacaine to my testicles.

Shortly thereafter, they were cut open, ripped apart, cauterized and then sewed back up. My first and only vasectomy, is officially over.

So…awesome.

(insert sarcasm here).

Right now, I’m sitting here now watching hockey and waiting for the World Series Game 2 to start…with a giant bag of ice on them.

To the guys out there: Guys…it’s nasty.

If you’ve never taken a needle to the nut and are in line for one, GET OUT OF THE LINE NOW.

The needle hurts. It hurt A LOT. Interestingly, it hurt a LOT more in my right nut than my left…I guess Righty is a much more sensitive, caring ball.

The third time I nearly kicked the doctor in the head with my right knee, he started to get perturbed. So, instead of attempting murder-by-kneecap for a fourth time, I decided to suck it up and take it.

Here’s the thing…once they’re numb, the whole procedure took, like, 10 minutes.

The absolutely most disturbing part was the cauterization…seeing smoke coming from your crotch is…well…interesting. I’ve only seen this once – when I accidentally used Ben-Gay instead of KY for masturbating.

The smell of a burning nutsack has turned me off to grilling for a while. I’ll be boiling my bratwurst in water or beer now for a few months, at least.

…all of this happened as my bloody, well-manscaped junk hung out in the open for the doctor and his nurse. I wasn’t expecting the nurse. I was hoping for a lesbian assistant or something…but NO.

Anyway, I’m not sure which part of the following two things that happened was more disturbing:

1) The doctor, upon removing my towel and seeing my shaved crotch, looks at me and says, “Hey…nice job down there!”

?!?!?

Um…thanks?

…or…

2) The doctor and the nurse start a conversation on guys coming into the office all manscaped. They comment on a 22-year old who came in the day before. The nurse looks at the doctor, her face lights up, and she says:

“Wow..he was NICE looking.”

Great. Now I know (KNOW) my little guys are part of some global junk-comparison between patients. I wonder who won the pool on me.

(In the backroom, a nurse checks her square and jumps up yelling, “It’s me! It’s me! I had 5 inches length and 2 inches girth!”)

..ugh…

Anyway, big thanks to everyone for their well-wishes. I’m settling in tonight to watch Game 2 of the World Series (go Sox!) with a partly frozen crotch. I’ll be popping my first Vicoden around 9:30.

Ice in my crotch.

Vicoden.

World Series.

Wife waiting on me hand and foot (thanks, hon!)…

..other than getting my nuts sliced open, not a bad day, really.

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